I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

Aye, giving them a bit of extra spending money is going to make them feel unsafe 🙄 come on.

No it isn't necessarily terrible parenting. And of course it is about some people being better off than others. Some people will teach their children about money by giving them 50p. Some will give them £5. And some will give them £50. And some will give them £500. And so on and so on.

You do realise that, even though £20 seems to be the collective hive mind "normal" amount to give on this thread, there will be some people who consider that excessive and thus terrible parenting? It's so abundantly weird on this site that so many people don't seem to realise that there are many subjects on which reasonable people can disagree.

your mum gave you and your sister equal amounts of money. You both are their daughters. What you chose to do with it is nothing to do with your mum or children so your sister will have to suck it up.

Honestly people on here are wild! Sometimes people have more money or assets than other people. That's life. Your sister's kids are learning that lesson early. I have to say no to my kids if they want to do things that aren't budgeted for. It doesn't mean that I dictate to my children's friends that they can't go on the trip. It's a life lesson.
We had a similar situation with my niece's and nephews who questioned why my children had holiday money that they were free to spend as they saw fit and they didn't have any money to spend on holiday as their mum had the family spending money and had to sanction any purchases. People budget differently. People have different family circumstances. I personally find it difficult to part with money on plastic tat. I find it easier to give my kids money and be happy saying no I'm not buying plastic tat but if you want it use your own money which has the added bonus of them usually thinking twice about it!
Long story short - you are not being unreasonable for not reducing your kids money and your sister is being unreasonable in asking you to do so.

Fair enough if people are assuming based on a typical 4yo; but my DS is the only one I have to go on, and he was indeed exceptional and rare - his nursery teachers were amazed when he could tell the time by 3 (and he would correct them when they rounded it up to e.g. 'ten to' when it was actually 8 minutes to) - he was just an absolute maths nut; but I highly doubt he was unique.

I think people are also forgetting that OP's DD is 8, so she would surely have no problems in understanding the basic maths.

Irrespective of how the sister behaved it sounds like it was pretty obvious to OP that her nieces and nephews wouldn’t have ended up with £50 each, so for their sake she could have checked first. It’s fairly standard behaviour to try and treat kids consistently in a group holiday situation.

Anyway that’s enough MN for me tonight 😊

IMO you were crazy to give a 4 year old and a 8 year old £50 each. They have no idea of the value of money and at that age they’ll just buy £50 worth of tat. You would have been far more sensible to give them each £20 to spend and put £30 in each of their savings.

Agree, but also, it's not necessarily about the maths involved, it's the logic. It's about learning that when you spend some, the total in the "bank" goes down, and if you spend nothing on one day, you have more to spend the next day, etc. Even if they have to ask an adult to do the actual sums, so what? They're still learning about money and budgeting.

£50 is wasted on such young kids.

The adults should have used the money for a group excursion or meal out to celebrate being together. The kids will spend it on garbage. Shame.

You caused the situation then really. £50 spending money for each of your kids, and one is only 4 years old ?

You are not unreasonable. They could have opted it up to told their children the money was spend paying for the holiday. It's an annoying and sad lesson, but an important one, that some people have more money than others. But , on holiday, I would make sure we had money for lots of ice cream,s for the kids as it is 70% + of what they consume.

@wrongthinker, I am not sure which parenting course you have subscribed to but if you paid any money towards them then please ask for a refund. Yes £50 may seem a lot of money, it is a lot of money, but the OP mentioned early on that their child had bought an ice cream and had seen that amount go down. They are not using it for slot machines and lottery tickets. It is being spent on items that often parents just pay out for directly and the child has no understanding of the cost. There is absolutely nothing wrong with children beginning to understand this at the ages of the children in OP's post if appropriately supported. In fact for those of us who work with children and families, it is an excellent place to start in promoting an understanding money about money and the realities of budgeting. Thus this forms a very important working towards children feeling safe, secure, and confident. Surely this is it quite obvious?

Her fault for having five kids.

When you decide to have 5 kids you have to accept that everything you have is going to be split 5 ways instead of 2.

I have one kid and the main reason for that is because I didn't want to have to split what I had to offer between 2 or more kids. That's how it works.

It would be unfair, full stop, to snatch their money away to pander to your interfering, jealous sister, even if they'd spent nothing.

Your mum wanted to give HER OWN daughters an equal amount of money to do with as they chose. Good for her, she was being a fair and kind mother to her two daughters.

Just as you are being a good, kind and fair mum to your own kids.

Your sister's inability to provide a decent amount of spending money for her kids is sad for them, but not your children's fault, so they shouldn't be punished for her poverty.

She's going to have to teach her kids that lots of people have more than them and how to regulate their envy - and as she almost certainly put her kids up to asking nosy questions about other people's finances she can also teach them that's terrible manners and learn to regulate her own jealousy.

Separate holidays from now on would be fairer for your own kids.

Don't ever choose pandering to your jealous sister over the happiness of your own children. They're your responsibility.

I'm glad you stood up to her unreasonable demand.

@EndlessWeeding it was £100 split between 2 and how is it being used by the grand children a waste? Surely most of the things they will spend it on such as ice creams, treats, pool toys etc would have been spent any way. This way the children are starting to learn about how far money goes and making choices. Just like when we got Xmas/birthday money- even if it was a tiny amount in a postal order (like from my PGM). It is holiday money, a special treat, but £50 does not go very far these days. An important life lesson which cannot start too young

I'm glad you're not my sister

On school trips and residentials, all children are usually told the maximum amount of spending money they can bring and it's usually a low amount like £20 so all parents can afford it, and all children are being treated equally. They usually spend it on sweets, souvenirs or presents for siblings. In my opinion, to maintain good relationships between adults and children, all children on a family holiday should be treated equally even if it means "looking after" some of their money for them so it doesn't "get lost" and they can put in their piggy banks when they get home.

Oh are you a poverty stricken, jealous, interfering CF too? 😆

It was her choice to have loads of children not your problem. Should have thought about the fact the more kids you have the less money you have a the less of your time they get.

If only life was as simple as you’re making out.

So the kids now can’t holiday with their cousins? And you think they’re winning by having £50 instead?

Kids would choose family over money any day of the week.

Its sad to see how individualistic our society has become and the impact on families and relationships.

Where have you got that from though?

Why does family spending money automatically equal going to be spent on the children? There's nothing to support that, in fact the opposite. Just because your mum doesn't give you money doesn't mean all mums are some sort of homogenous hive mind!

Perhaps she wanted her dd's and son in laws to treat themselves for once?

If she'd wanted it to be spent on the children she would have given it to the children!

Not sure why people think op should have discussed what they were doing with funds. If my mom had given my brother and I an extra bit of holiday money, I can't say I would ask him what he was doing with it. If I decide to give it to my kids it's no one else's business.

So no I don't think op needs to take any money back and have them spend it some other time. Not sure how old the sisters kids are, but they also need to learn that not every thing is fair in life.

I think this isn't as simple as it appears. I think this is someone from Mr Burnham's new cabinet and its not about holiday money and two sets of grandchildren. It's about the defence budget isn't it?

Someone has come on here using the analogy of a family holiday and spending, to try to find a way to keep the peace between Mr McFadden and Mr Streeting. You are Mr Healey aren't you OP? Or Mrs Healey on Mr Healey's behalf trying to balance the triple lock, against Nato's demands for 3,5% GDP? Sneaky one trying to use the collective power and incisiveness of Mumsnet to run the country.

Your mum should have given each grandchild the same amount, what in earth was she thinking?! You are your sister are grown adults and don't need spending money from your mum on holiday.

But after your mum's bizarre decision, you and your sister could have discussed what you would do with your £100 each to make sure this didn't happen, as any parent could have predicted this would become an issue between the cousins. They won't understand why grandma has given more to your kids that your sisters and I can imagine your sisters kids are really hurt by this. You, your mum and sister need to communicate better.

And agree with PPs, why give such young children £50 to spend on holiday, that's an insane amount and presumably they only have holiday tat to waste it on! I'd have given them £10 or £20 each and put the rest in their savings.