The realisation my marriage is not going to be forever

[Mistymeg]

That’s it. I don’t see a lifetime of this. I also worry there is no smoking gun here. On paper he’s the perfect husband and Dad, gets up with the kids almost every morning, gets them ready for the nursery and drops them so I can get ready and commute, he also then goes into the office most days too, he dotes on them, he’s a good cook and does most of the cooking and bbqing, no controlling behaviour and keeps a lot of the house going really. I do my share, I definitely do, we have our roles and just like finances it’s pretty much 50/50, if anything I feel he’s a bit put out recently that my career is flying but he seems to cope better with the pressure of two toddlers, full time job and daily stress than I do, so everything has a cost.

That said, the spark has long gone. Way before the better jobs and recent pressures.

I’m so lonely. He barely looks at me or acknowledges me. I don’t look forward to being around him, the thought of dinner with him sounds dull to me and when he was due to be out last night and came home, I was disappointed.

Everyday I came home this week I asked how his day was, he’d answer and not ask me back. I made a point of it stating that he wasn’t making conversation back, and he claimed he had asked me but he hadn’t, I asked what I replied and he pulled from something else.

Tonight I switched tact and didn’t bother asking him how his day was. We had the usual transactional conversations about food and kids, admin, tv and pretty much sat in silence. It got to 9pm and I said it’s strange that despite me making a point of him not asking me about me day all week, tonight I didn’t ask him and he still hasn’t asked. As usual he gaslit me - it’s because I’d snapped at him earlier (apparently), then he said the amount of nights I’m on my phone… all my fault. Not that he could be better at that. I had a huge presentation at work this week and he didn’t wish me luck, message me in day or ask anything when he came home yesterday.

We have no spark, no sexual chemistry- I don’t enjoy sex with him, it’s just a tick box exercise to say we do it once a month but I’d say it’s more like 8 times a year. We do have two young kids and both work full time but honestly, we just WhatsApp back and forth mostly for communication. It’s all admin. I don’t enjoy time with him. He doesn’t like people who speak too much, doesn’t like stories, takes the mick out of people who tell boring stories. If I tell a story even if just about my day he zones out. Sometimes I will just open my mouth and he will huff before I’ve said anything.

I keep thinking when the kids are older it will get better but actually, I just don’t know if it will.

anyone else been here? We’ve been married 10 years and I’m not quite 40 yet so thinking it’s a long life ahead. That said I don’t want to share the kids, I don’t want to deal with the finance fall out, definitely don’t want to be dating again……. He is not open to marriage counselling but also comes from a strict catholic family so wouldn’t divorce either.

Even before we were married I noticed he wasn’t a team with me, even in front of his own family he’d be wanting to show off and the centre of attention and not think about me. He’s not like that generally but weirdly feels he has to impress his parents, they have a weird dynamic. He’s almost nervous in front of them…. It stretches further than that though, in group settings I had to tell him to stop making the butt of all his jokes. It might have been funny once or twice but everytime we went out he’d be bantering at my expense. It’s almost like if he wasn’t doing that he wouldn’t know how to interact with me in public. In general I’ve found he’s never had my back and will take the side of anyone or anything else. His response? You don’t need me to stick up for you, you’re strong enough.

honestly I wonder if an open relationship later down the line is an option. Something has to change.

When we are out with other parents I notice how affectionate they are subtly with one another, supportive and a team. It makes me think it’s not he ages of the kids. Has anyone been in a similar boat?

Curious to know why I’m being unreasonable if I am?

You don't mention love anywhere (past or present). Yet you do say 'I'm so lonely.' Firstly, I'd say if you have kids, they come first. Beyond that, there seems little point in carrying on this relationship long-term. He won't try counselling to change things, or take your concerns at face value? That answers your prospects for improvement.

You don't pose a clear question. Is it the open relationship? Or the banter? Or being 40 and facing a long time of it?

What are the jokes he is making? It might give some insight in to some underlying resentment towards you.
I wouldn't say it is definitely over. Have you tried spending time together alone doing an activity or shared hobby? Parenting young DC can be relentless and some parents can get lost in it. Maybe you both need an opportunity to just get back in to being a couple instead of just parents.

It certainly looks like both of you are unhappy; he probably feels the same way as you about the impact of splitting up on the children and your lifestyle. But would he ever admit that?

It may be that one of you gets to the stage where you just can’t bear it any longer and initiate a split. Personally I feel sooner rather than later is better, while the children are still small enough to adapt and you both have time to find loving relationships - but that’s easy for me to say. I didn’t see it when I was in your situation, or couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I think you need to push for marriage counselling.

You don’t need his permission to divorce him, whatever his religion.

I was reading your post thinking you must have loved and cherished each other once, to date, marry, have two children and not that long ago if they’re still toddlers. But you then say it’s great before you got married so I’m not sure what to say. When did you stop fancying each other? When did you stop laughing together? If you tell him it’s so bad you’re considering divorcing him (again, you can do it without his agreement) what will he do?

I think situations like this can be fixed and improve but it needs willing from both sides. I don’t sense there’s much willing from him.

If it offers you any hope, DH and I got into a very similar dynamic after DD was born and until she was about 5. Then, gradually, things did start to improve, and now we’re fine. I started to enjoy his company again, felt supported, we both worked on things, quietly, that we knew annoyed the other after a discussion about the issues.

I am so sorry OP. Right now with kids this age and both working ft is really a challenging time for any marriage. Too knackered for relations and phones are also a relationship killler.

Maybe you could start getting dressed up and going out for a few drinks and dinner together 1-2 times a month to see if you can rekindle that spark? This was honestly a lifesaver for us during that difficult period. You need to reconnect, remember you are each a person doing your best and not always getting it right and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place to balance out the resentments that build with the day to day grind.

It may be that you are just no longer compatible, but is it worth trying to give it a good go before inflicting a breakup on your kids?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable but I’d go to marriage counselling and say exactly what you’ve said here so that he has the opportunity to hear someone else mirror his behaviour back to him.

There is no way I could stay in a marriage with those dynamics for the long haul. It sounds really lonely.

I don’t know if this is fixable or not and think it would be worth trying.

But if it isn’t and you split, the outcome could be ok. You’re both equally involved with the children and it sounds like you would both prioritise them. He is capable of looking after them independently (not a given) so you wouldn’t need to worry about them while they are with him. You both work. You’re not at each other’s throats and so could probably coparent amicably. All these factors make a split easier on the children. There are worse situations to divorce from.

Well this sounds a mess
parenting young kids is hard and actually one way or another it stays hard work through till adulthood, you've got the bratty teenager stage then easing them into adulthood. They always need your time even if they become more independent. The two of you sound tired out though, do you ever get away on your own without the kids?
perhaps you should explore some counselling on your own, have you told him how you feel? Mutual respect is really important and it sounds like that's an issue.
honestly yes it can get better I absolutely despised mine at some points but ultimately changed my mind and worked out I loved/married him because he was kind, not because he was any good at earning money. His inability to hold down a job was unsurprisingly causing a lot of problems, I'd lost all respect for him and I wanted to call it a day. We got ourselves back on track after I worked out it wasn't all his fault - he found a job he enjoyed and stuck at which was a great relief even if not a big wage. I'm glad now we got back on track as he got ill and died last year age 71, our DD early 30's. I'd say the final 13 or so years were happy respectful ones where we pulled together and were a proper team. I'd never thought we were in the earlier years.
i think you need the counselling to work out if you stay or go because this all sounds pretty hard, he's not going to make it easy if you do leave because it's against his religion, but it's not good for your DC to think this is how a relationship should be. If you stick together you have to be at least civil to each other. Good luck

Sit down for an honest talk. Cards on the table. Decide to work on it, make changes, or to get things in order to separate and divorce.
He might not initiate a divorce, but you can.

Because you not only married him, you then had two kids. Must be quite miserable in your house , but you won’t split up. He doesn’t get to decide he won’t get a divorce btw, you can divorce him any time.

i think this is marriage. I get that it’s not exciting but the commitment you made was to work through these period of monotony. . The reason you signed a legal document to be together is for these times.

Despite the lack of exciting times you both have a lot to lose. So, Op, either up your game (both of you) and commit to this life and loving each other or get your ducks in a row.

How was it in the early days? Was there a spark?

@Mistymeg you are not being unreasonable to suggest something has to change - what that is though, I’m not sure exactly.

I wanted to pick-up on the banter. I’ve been out with a couple of couples that have had one partner make the other the butt of their jokes and as an outsider it’s highly uncomfortable to watch, so I can only imagine how humiliating this must be for you, as well as feeling unloved. For one of the couples it did stop though after about an hour as the person doing the joking began to get to know us and feel more at ease. For the other couple, unfortunately the gf had to endure this for the entire evening - it was only family there so no reason to feel uncomfortable. I see this as a massive red flag, although the gf went on to marry the dickhead.

"He is not open to marriage counselling but also comes from a strict catholic family so wouldn’t divorce either."

Did you have a Catholic Wedding OP?

He doesn’t like you, let alone love you. I hope he likes your children.

If you really can’t bring yourself to separate yet you will have to detach completely from the marriage and live as housemates. Then start new hobbies, get a boyfriend, just start to enjoy living.

Life should not be this hard.

If he won’t consider counselling then he really isn’t interested in staying married to you.

You only get one life and you are young enough to start over, having a fulfilling good quality life, whether single or with someone new.

His Catholicism is irrelevant in terms of the divorce, you just get the petition issued and follow the process.

Good luck. 💐

Hi OP me and my partner have been together for 20 years and it’s not always been easy and we havn’t always been in love with each other. There’s been years where I considered leaving and I’m sure him the same. But we stuck at it, grew as people and right now I genuinely couldn’t be happier with him.

Our kids are now older creeping into the late teens- and slowly but surely we have found each other again, we spend a lot of time together hanging out, going on adventures and having fun. He makes me laugh again and I can’t wait to see him at the end of the day. I can’t remember when it changed or how but I’m so glad we stuck it out. He is my favourite person in the world again (and there were times I genuinely could not stand being in the same room as him). But I want to have sex with him again , we had a few years where like you I did it to tick a box, and it was few and far between. I just wasnt interested at all. But now I can’t get enough, but it wasn’t the sex that improved the relationship, that want and need for him came after and was a result reconnecting in other ways.

I don’t know if things can change for you, but wanted to share an account where a couple have come out the other side. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Catholic or not, you can divorce him.
Life is far too short to stay for the kids etc. You say that you don’t want to share them, yet you work and he does a lot of childcare anyway according to your OP. Perhaps you need to think about how you would manage with your 50%.
I’ve stayed for the kids and because I don’t want to be alone, don’t be me.

Another 40’years of this? It’s easier to split when the DC are young and you can rebuild your life.

I voted YABU because you say he’s from a strict catholic family and won’t divorce yet you think he may entertain the idea of an open marriage down the line. If he won’t get divorced because of a religion he definitely won’t share his wife.

It can be fixed if you both want to. It doesn’t sound like the end of the road to me, just that things have become stale which happens when life is revolving around work and young children. You should try marriage counselling and date nights, see if you can reignite the spark. I wouldn’t jump headfirst into divorce.

You sound a bit needy and your husband probably senses you dislike him.

Unless you can resolve those two issues, splitting up might be the best option