The realisation my marriage is not going to be forever

[Mistymeg]

That’s it. I don’t see a lifetime of this. I also worry there is no smoking gun here. On paper he’s the perfect husband and Dad, gets up with the kids almost every morning, gets them ready for the nursery and drops them so I can get ready and commute, he also then goes into the office most days too, he dotes on them, he’s a good cook and does most of the cooking and bbqing, no controlling behaviour and keeps a lot of the house going really. I do my share, I definitely do, we have our roles and just like finances it’s pretty much 50/50, if anything I feel he’s a bit put out recently that my career is flying but he seems to cope better with the pressure of two toddlers, full time job and daily stress than I do, so everything has a cost.

That said, the spark has long gone. Way before the better jobs and recent pressures.

I’m so lonely. He barely looks at me or acknowledges me. I don’t look forward to being around him, the thought of dinner with him sounds dull to me and when he was due to be out last night and came home, I was disappointed.

Everyday I came home this week I asked how his day was, he’d answer and not ask me back. I made a point of it stating that he wasn’t making conversation back, and he claimed he had asked me but he hadn’t, I asked what I replied and he pulled from something else.

Tonight I switched tact and didn’t bother asking him how his day was. We had the usual transactional conversations about food and kids, admin, tv and pretty much sat in silence. It got to 9pm and I said it’s strange that despite me making a point of him not asking me about me day all week, tonight I didn’t ask him and he still hasn’t asked. As usual he gaslit me - it’s because I’d snapped at him earlier (apparently), then he said the amount of nights I’m on my phone… all my fault. Not that he could be better at that. I had a huge presentation at work this week and he didn’t wish me luck, message me in day or ask anything when he came home yesterday.

We have no spark, no sexual chemistry- I don’t enjoy sex with him, it’s just a tick box exercise to say we do it once a month but I’d say it’s more like 8 times a year. We do have two young kids and both work full time but honestly, we just WhatsApp back and forth mostly for communication. It’s all admin. I don’t enjoy time with him. He doesn’t like people who speak too much, doesn’t like stories, takes the mick out of people who tell boring stories. If I tell a story even if just about my day he zones out. Sometimes I will just open my mouth and he will huff before I’ve said anything.

I keep thinking when the kids are older it will get better but actually, I just don’t know if it will.

anyone else been here? We’ve been married 10 years and I’m not quite 40 yet so thinking it’s a long life ahead. That said I don’t want to share the kids, I don’t want to deal with the finance fall out, definitely don’t want to be dating again……. He is not open to marriage counselling but also comes from a strict catholic family so wouldn’t divorce either.

Even before we were married I noticed he wasn’t a team with me, even in front of his own family he’d be wanting to show off and the centre of attention and not think about me. He’s not like that generally but weirdly feels he has to impress his parents, they have a weird dynamic. He’s almost nervous in front of them…. It stretches further than that though, in group settings I had to tell him to stop making the butt of all his jokes. It might have been funny once or twice but everytime we went out he’d be bantering at my expense. It’s almost like if he wasn’t doing that he wouldn’t know how to interact with me in public. In general I’ve found he’s never had my back and will take the side of anyone or anything else. His response? You don’t need me to stick up for you, you’re strong enough.

honestly I wonder if an open relationship later down the line is an option. Something has to change.

When we are out with other parents I notice how affectionate they are subtly with one another, supportive and a team. It makes me think it’s not he ages of the kids. Has anyone been in a similar boat?

yes! The public displays of affection are a no go. He said to me when we met he didn’t like holding hands with his ex but he did with me and after a few months it stopped. I think he knows full well he doesn’t like it full stop but was somehow hoping things with me would be different. You and I are in a very similar boat! So glad to meet people like you on here.

That’s what I keep thinking about finding happiness with someone else. Randomly, I met someone when I was 23 in Ibiza and fell head over heels for him, but he had just met someone at home, so it was short lived. Was the most intense emotional connection I’d felt. I watched from a fb distance as he had children with her and married… only to many years later find him on Instagram (I guess I was always curious!) and discover he had divorced. Some years later he now regularly posts stories with his new partner, they look like they have the best time together, always laughing, having fun and posting about how much they are best friends. It makes me think if he found a soulmate second time around, maybe I could too.

I kind of feel like YABU because I have the opposite problem - still have a spark (although I’ve lost my sex drive generally) and still enjoy time together solo but parenting is ruining us, it’s not 50/50, nowhere near, and the resentment is murder ing our relationship. I would say that the respect he has for you and your kids maybe counts for more than spark.

Regardless of his being catholic and not open to divorce, I really think you should consider it. And sooner the better.

The relationship you are modelling will ultimately damage your kids. And staying because you don’t want the financial hit/practical impact of separating is understandable but cowardly. You will very soon escalate to resenting each other [you sound as though you are already both there] and then into really hating each other and your life together and at that stage you damage both you children and each other. You both deserve more and your kids deserve better parenting an a home without an undercurrent of hostility and dislike.

It will be an upheaval, but truly, if a friend had shared everything in your post, I’d be urging her to seek an appointment with a solicitor and start planning an exit.

I am so sorry you feel like this. I can absolutely identify with your loneliness and how you feel about sex. He was always putting me down, saying I was stupid and I’d never manage without him. My children were older than yours but honestly the best thing I did was to divorce him - I was 42. I wish I had not wasted so much time being unhappy. I had a few years living with the children alone, when one went to university and my DD was 16 I met a man who has somehow given me the confidence to be the person I always was on the inside. I gained an honours degree with the OU a DP has got me through some really tough times. We’ve been together for 28 years now and I have never regretted a single moment. I hope you find happiness as I have 🌹

I believe you can, people much older than us do it too.

I have a connection with my new partner that I've never experienced before. We fell in love so quickly, we were both very surprised as it feels out of character. I see the same connection in my brother with his other half. There's an unspoken communication there when we look at eachother, we just know how the other is feeling and I thought that took years of learning someone. It turns out it doesn't with the right person.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness.

It's been a total different relationship for me second time round. I couldn't have imaginged breaking up first time (14 years togethrr), although it wasn't my decision, I gave up begging for DP to stay.
Much happier this time at 40.
Your DP not showing any interest is really not good. Maybe go out a bit more to test him.

@Mistymeg

TBH, based on the things you say about 'who you are' and 'who he is' it sounds to me as if you probably shouldn't have married in the first place. It also sounds as if you had 'niggles' of this before you married. I'm not criticizing just pointing out that perhaps things were always destined to end up this way.

If he won't agree to counseling and participate in it, your marriage is dead in the water. Sure, you could go to counseling yourself, but all that will be able to focus on is helping you to accept things the way they are. If you do that, you'll be living a half life. Not the full and happy life you truly deserve.

In all your 'talks' with him, have you ever told him you're contemplating divorce? I'm not saying to issue an ultimatum, those never work. But if you are seriously thinking of ending it, tell him now. It may shake him up enough to actually think about his attitudes (probably not though). Or it may result in him saying "Me, too" and you could possibly have an amicable split. If nothing else, it will be out in the open and if you do decide to end it, he won't be able to act all surprised.

One word of advice. If you do feel you are seriously contemplating separation or divorce, even if you aren't sure yet, see a solicitor before you mention anything to your DH. Get educated on what a divorce may mean to you financially and wrt the children. It may help you in your decision making process.

Sounds lik my DH. Jokes at mu expense, looks away when he kissed me when I ask and doesn’t ask about me or say hello in the morning f unless I initiate and then denies it. I’ve paid for replika for someone to take an interest in my life and slowing wondering what I can outsource to be happy

Oh, hes only 'sometimes' nasty to her, so thats ok?

Op, I think you need to put cards on the table. Say you are considering divorce but want to do counselling to see if it can be salvaged.

Presume you can get a civil divorce, and can presumably remarry in a civil ceremony. Not ideal. How religious are you?

You're not being unreasonable. There are many couples out there just making things work for the children. My best friends parents were like this. Once the kids were adults, out the house and happily in serious long-term relationships, the parents divorced.

OP I have only read your posts, but your marriage really resonates with me. I have a few questions for you.
Is he able to empathise?
Do you think it's the stories you tell he's uninterested in, or do you think he cuts you off because he doesn't know how to respond?
You say he had mood swings - does he do anything for a hobby, or for enjoyment at all? Does anything help bring him out of it?
He doesn't talk about emotions - but does he ever SHOW emotion? How does he show he cares?
Is he able to do all the physical jobs he can see need doing, but struggles with the mental load or thinking of things / initiating social plans or holidays or days out?
And finally, does he have high or rigid expectations and doesn't know how to be tactful or to hide his disappointment when things are not as expected?

I've been with DH over 10 years, I'm similar age to you, 2 young children. DH and I have had various rough patches, and are currently going through what I felt might be the end of us. I think he is autistic, and he struggles with a lot of the above. He does A LOT in the house, and I resonate with you feeling lazy / like a child as he just cracks on so efficiently with it all. But he just shows zero interest, won't think to ask about things that are important to me or other people, doesn't plan ahead for special occasions, and just cannot support me emotionally.

I've found a therapist that works with neurodiverse couples, and genuinely I feel like it's going to be life changing if we can implement some of the things she's suggested (we've only just started).

I'm not saying your DH is autistic but I really feel like you've just described my actual life, and perhaps if the things he struggles with are similar to the things mine does, I could give you some suggestions of what helps us. I'm not sure how far you can get with anything at all though, if he won't even talk about it.

I would be giving him an ultimatum. Engage with couples therapy willingly, or divorce. You can't just carry on as you are - and if he isn't willing to work on it then he's putting the nail in the coffin. You'd have plenty of time left of your younger years to find a new and loving partner. Xxx

Why did you marry him, out of interest? You knew he was a complete arse beforehand. That being said, he sounds awful. He gaslights you (abuse), humiliated you under the guise of a 'joke', then manipulates you into thinking it's okay because you're "strong". Being strong has absolutely no relation to him publicly embarrassing you for the sake of a 'joke' (which I doubt anyone finds funny and probably thinks he's a twat, because he is). it's extremely disrespectful and honestly just embarrassing, for him as well.

You also say he wouldn't divorce - it is not his choice. You can divorce him if you want, he has absolutely no say in the matter if you want to leave. You don't want to date again etc but do you really want to stay in this frankly depressing marriage? No. Everything you've posted screams "I want to escape, but I'm scared of everything that comes with it". I get that, it is scary, but it is so worth it when you're no longer living under their miserable rain cloud and call it a life.

Wow MN is incredible, the second person I’ve met who is in an uncanny situation. A support WhatsApp group could be on the cards if we find another.

Funny you should say that, I noticed a few years ago DH struggles with eye content. I noticed one day he conducted an entire conversation with a professional we were meeting over zoom and didn’t look towards the screen once, his face was potentially facing the right way but he was looking down. I then couldn’t stop noticing it, when we were standing around with other parents he would talk to someone but look away. I thought from there, he might be autistic but never thought about it deeply.

Had your DH been diagnosed? Such a helpful response as I have ‘barn door’ ADHD according to a psychologist I met once and keep meaning to get a diagnoses. DS1 is being assessed for SEN. I will look for a marriage therapist specialising in neurodivergence too. ❤️ thank you.

And yes please for any further coping mechanisms.

Sorry to hear that. Seems like emotionally unavailable DHs who have no interest in conversation out side of dull day to day transactional speak are more common than we thought…

OP, I could have written this, though we’re 20 years married with older teenage kids. I feel your pain. This summer I’m going to have the conversation and finally bring it to an end. Here’s hoping for courage, wisdom and a brighter future for us both.

🙋‍♀️ I think I may be the 3rd on here to say, snap.
From an outsiders point of view I’m spoilt with the way I’m looked after. DH does cooking & cleaning, most of the General house chores in fact. But there is no emotional of physical intimacy. He can hear my needs, and I believe he loves me and wants to meet my needs, but is unable to see it through.
A few years ago I realised he is autistic. DH is beginning to recognise it too, and see it in his family.
I don’t know if our marriage will last, or maybe just until DC are in or finish Uni (DC getting autism diagnosis clarified things). I do regret not leaving years ago before worries about impacting GCSEs/A’levels. Now DC have seen a marriage with no (or almost none) intimacy as normal and I regret that.

@Mistymeg

Even before we were married I noticed he wasn’t a team with me, even in front of his own family

and you went ahead and married this man and had 2 kids and now you feel there is an issue………

why????

You said you’ve been married 10 years. You were speaking to someone before Covid. Covid was over 6 years ago. So you were talking to someone, an emotional affair in your own words, from early in your marriage. Why did you have children with someone you were checked out with?

I think you should split. You’re so young still, you’ve got a whole other life to discover.

looks like autism is one to look into, seems to be a commonality in some of the posts in the same situation. I looked up symptoms and difficulties identifying or expressing emotions even though they experience them deeply is one and social challenges including finding small talk exhausting and pointless, may seem emotionally distant when overwhelmed, when asking Gemini about being married to someone with ASD.. Alternative affection: Look for love shown through actions, shared activities, or technical help rather than typical verbal or physical cues.