The realisation my marriage is not going to be forever

[Mistymeg]

That’s it. I don’t see a lifetime of this. I also worry there is no smoking gun here. On paper he’s the perfect husband and Dad, gets up with the kids almost every morning, gets them ready for the nursery and drops them so I can get ready and commute, he also then goes into the office most days too, he dotes on them, he’s a good cook and does most of the cooking and bbqing, no controlling behaviour and keeps a lot of the house going really. I do my share, I definitely do, we have our roles and just like finances it’s pretty much 50/50, if anything I feel he’s a bit put out recently that my career is flying but he seems to cope better with the pressure of two toddlers, full time job and daily stress than I do, so everything has a cost.

That said, the spark has long gone. Way before the better jobs and recent pressures.

I’m so lonely. He barely looks at me or acknowledges me. I don’t look forward to being around him, the thought of dinner with him sounds dull to me and when he was due to be out last night and came home, I was disappointed.

Everyday I came home this week I asked how his day was, he’d answer and not ask me back. I made a point of it stating that he wasn’t making conversation back, and he claimed he had asked me but he hadn’t, I asked what I replied and he pulled from something else.

Tonight I switched tact and didn’t bother asking him how his day was. We had the usual transactional conversations about food and kids, admin, tv and pretty much sat in silence. It got to 9pm and I said it’s strange that despite me making a point of him not asking me about me day all week, tonight I didn’t ask him and he still hasn’t asked. As usual he gaslit me - it’s because I’d snapped at him earlier (apparently), then he said the amount of nights I’m on my phone… all my fault. Not that he could be better at that. I had a huge presentation at work this week and he didn’t wish me luck, message me in day or ask anything when he came home yesterday.

We have no spark, no sexual chemistry- I don’t enjoy sex with him, it’s just a tick box exercise to say we do it once a month but I’d say it’s more like 8 times a year. We do have two young kids and both work full time but honestly, we just WhatsApp back and forth mostly for communication. It’s all admin. I don’t enjoy time with him. He doesn’t like people who speak too much, doesn’t like stories, takes the mick out of people who tell boring stories. If I tell a story even if just about my day he zones out. Sometimes I will just open my mouth and he will huff before I’ve said anything.

I keep thinking when the kids are older it will get better but actually, I just don’t know if it will.

anyone else been here? We’ve been married 10 years and I’m not quite 40 yet so thinking it’s a long life ahead. That said I don’t want to share the kids, I don’t want to deal with the finance fall out, definitely don’t want to be dating again……. He is not open to marriage counselling but also comes from a strict catholic family so wouldn’t divorce either.

Even before we were married I noticed he wasn’t a team with me, even in front of his own family he’d be wanting to show off and the centre of attention and not think about me. He’s not like that generally but weirdly feels he has to impress his parents, they have a weird dynamic. He’s almost nervous in front of them…. It stretches further than that though, in group settings I had to tell him to stop making the butt of all his jokes. It might have been funny once or twice but everytime we went out he’d be bantering at my expense. It’s almost like if he wasn’t doing that he wouldn’t know how to interact with me in public. In general I’ve found he’s never had my back and will take the side of anyone or anything else. His response? You don’t need me to stick up for you, you’re strong enough.

honestly I wonder if an open relationship later down the line is an option. Something has to change.

When we are out with other parents I notice how affectionate they are subtly with one another, supportive and a team. It makes me think it’s not he ages of the kids. Has anyone been in a similar boat?

I was in a similar position to you OP, but I've separated and done the divorce. For me I wasn't willing to risk 10years of unhappiness for a chance it may get better. I realised we had completely grown apart and didn't have anything in common anymore, and I didn't want to spend any time with him. I would rather be single and on my own that in an unhappy marriage like mine was

If you had a Catholic wedding then you will have gone through a Pre Cana (Pre marriage course) where couples are taught about the expectations of a Catholic marriage and how to negotiate problems. Much of the marriage preparation work concerns discussion of ideas, skills, and information thought to be of practical use in married life.

Is what you learned/discussed not of any use to you?

Maybe you should go back to your Priest for guidance?

The gaslighting is abuse. Read Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? He will not change OP and you should never have counselling with an abuser anyway. Even if he is nice most of the time he is still abusive.

I can't emphasise this enough. Every time I see someone wanting to stay together "for the children" I want to say that without exception, everyone I know whose parents divorced when they were under 10 is a well-adjusted adult whereas everyone I know whose parents divorced in their teens (or worse when they'd just left home) has been messed up to some extent by it.

This is an excellent point. Its the dishonesty and the sensation that you have been misled by your parents about the reality of your family which I think destabilises people so much. Plus the misery of living with two people who clearly don’t respect one another.

If you are going to divorce (and I would in your situation) then maybe better to accelerate it.

You keep saying he's gaslighting you, but it doesn't sound like that at all.

I was like you and here's the benefit of my advice - what I'd do if I can go back in time.
Talk - address the elephant in the room. Go to counselling. I was scared to admit things had got bad in case I lost the status quo. You have nothing to lose.
Go to the GP. Your loss of libido might be something that drugs will fix. You fancied this man once. There's nothing worse than having sex you don't want.
Value what you have. The grass is not greener. Don't throw away the good stuff.

we don’t have family support but we could pay yet even more for childcare and go away for the weekend it’s just a case of who we trust and DS1 is challenging. We have our big anniversary coming up so maybe will beg his parents to come down to have them. We are 50/50 with finances. I’d be very upset if he took half of what I have as I have everything I’m ever going to get inheritance wise , which is by no means life changing money but also I joined two good companies and have a fair amount of stocks and shares to my name. So he’d get half of all of that technically. He’s also successful but I’ve got more in that sense. I think his earning years maybe we’ll be in front of him his parents are in a good spot financially, so he still has all of that to come. I’d be walking away from a very comfortable retirement with him but I am so miserable I’d be happier living on my own money and being with someone who I can enjoy life with.

He doesn't seem to even like you. He's showing contempt for you, your stories, your needs, your requests. That's a sad way to live and if you stay your kids will grow up thinking this is normal in a relationship.

But it doesn’t sound like he is happy either. Does he not recognise that neither of you are happy and your marriage needs to change? As you said he won’t talk or go for counselling.
is he just burying his head in the sand? It doesn’t matter whose “fault” it is, you both need to recognise and be willing to change.

If he doesn’t think there is an issue then I think you need to spell it out to him that you can’t continue like this and divorce will be on the cards.

Yep, and the guilt. Parents martyr themselves in a miserable marriage "for the kids" - so from a teenager's perspective, the resultant miserable home environment and miserable divorce is on some level their own fault.

He won’t enertertain marriage counselling because he won’t talk about emotions. Same way that I’ve told him for many many years I’m lonely because he doesn’t talk much in depth about anything. One day he called me up and said he’d been fired for poor performance. You don’t just get fired in this country, you go through performance plans, business reviews each quarter…. He just kept it all from me and our relationship went to shreds through that spell and I had no idea what had been going on. He is very smart just in a hard career so he walked into a much better company and was the person I loved all over again. I think he is in a company he doesn’t like again, for more than a year and is a bit envious of everyone joining these very new shiny companies and wants in. I think if he started at one he’d be happy but ultimately I could never tell a full story to him, he switches off if ANYONE speaks for more than a few minutes. Doesn’t like couples dinners because he has to listen to their stories!

If the spark has gone one of you will wander off eventually. You either need to end it before this happens or work on your relationship with counselling I'm afraid

When did you divorce and any regrets? Are you happier? Did he do anything when you served the papers as they say…

No it was one big joke. As usual he just took the mick out everyone there, I mean we both did tbh, it was a chore. Very interesting people in there. It’s his mum who is a strict catholic, he’s has a strange dynamic with his mum and has the need to impress her. He isn’t religious at all.

Yes, when the children were teenagers, and it was an absolute shitshow. But things were different for us in that I think he really loved me (in his own way) and genuinely did not want to split up.

FWIW within a few years we were both happily settled with new partners.

I'm afraid I can't see a solution to this OP.
If he won't talk to anyone, least of all you, then it's going nowhere.
Just serve him with divorce papers and have done with it.

As a side issue, I'm just puzzled how a man who won't talk about emotions ever managed to court you and have children ?

Doesn’t it? When he doesn’t ask about a big presentation I said I had at work. When he doesn’t ask how my day is consistently. And when I point it out he blames me. Or lies and says he had but I didn’t hear him or I answered it and forgot. That is gaslighting.

Honestly at one point I would say u had an emotional affair. I met someone at work who listened to me and hung off my every work and we’d talk for hours if we could. The pandemic ended that communication trail but we still spoke during the pandemic on the phone here and there outside of work and we still speak from time to time now.

“I’d be walking away from a very comfortable retirement with him but I am so miserable I’d be happier living on my own money and being with someone who I can enjoy life with.”

Well worth it in my experience.

Feel a bit sad people are saying this is just what marriage is like… not mine certainly and not one I hope my kids have one day! With kids yes the spontaneity and carefree-ness goes, but I love my husband and he loves me and he shows it. What’s the point in a lonely marriage, it’s not serving you?

My parents separated when I was an adult and it was incredibly messy and my Dad especially had been a miserable horrible man for 12+ years prior to the split, rude to my mum especially during periods of stress and just really not nice to be around. I don’t see him now but by all accounts post split he’s much happier. I wish they’d separated when I was a kid so I could have known this apparently more pleasant man than the horrible atmosphere I spent a lot of in as a child.

I would consider separating, on the basis you deserve better and you’d both have time alone while the kids are with the other parent which may help you find your way back to each other or it may just be a break each week.

Because he was bubbly, happy go lucky, very funny, reliable, a genltemen, smart, the person you’d take home to parents. I’d just dated uncommitted guys until then. I just wanted to be loved and he fancied the pants off me and adored me, swept me off my feet. As one of my friends said, I’d hit the jackpot. But it only gets you so far; emotionally he wasn’t there when I needed him. He does a lot for me; he showed love by doing things. Not saying things.

No, gaslighting is a psychological technique designed to undermine someone's mental stability, to the extent that they start to doubt their perception of reality. Saying you asked someone a question when you didn't, principally because you couldn't be arsed, is straightforward, common or garden lying.

@Mistymeg ,

‘Honestly at one point I would say u had an emotional affair. I met someone at work who listened to me and hung off my every work and we’d talk for hours if we could. The pandemic ended that communication trail but we still spoke during the pandemic on the phone here and there outside of work and we still speak from time to time now.’

Are you downplaying this!

Was it purely emotional (any kisses even?) and how often do you talk now and on what kind of level?

Once you invest your emotional energy elsewhere, you need to separate (or properly not contact the OM forever). Anything else is both deceiving your partner and yourself.

@Mistymegim so sorry you are in this situation. You are far too young to be this miserable though - you and your children deserve to see a happier you. Don’t forget you are modelling their relationship plans for the future - would you be happy to see grown up them treated like this?

That is a big thing to keep from someone, and definitely shows he has issues communicating.

I guess the question is one of whether you would want to stay if he were to change. If the answer is yes then could you perhaps use his religious commitment to marriage as a way to get him to engage? Especially if you make it clear to him it's that or you will be leaving. I imagine that the Catholic Church will offer marriage guidance themselves, and that might be a way
in. If you don't want to be with him anymore, or don't believe he can change in the long term, you can leave him and that is a totally valid decision to make.