The realisation my marriage is not going to be forever

[Mistymeg]

That’s it. I don’t see a lifetime of this. I also worry there is no smoking gun here. On paper he’s the perfect husband and Dad, gets up with the kids almost every morning, gets them ready for the nursery and drops them so I can get ready and commute, he also then goes into the office most days too, he dotes on them, he’s a good cook and does most of the cooking and bbqing, no controlling behaviour and keeps a lot of the house going really. I do my share, I definitely do, we have our roles and just like finances it’s pretty much 50/50, if anything I feel he’s a bit put out recently that my career is flying but he seems to cope better with the pressure of two toddlers, full time job and daily stress than I do, so everything has a cost.

That said, the spark has long gone. Way before the better jobs and recent pressures.

I’m so lonely. He barely looks at me or acknowledges me. I don’t look forward to being around him, the thought of dinner with him sounds dull to me and when he was due to be out last night and came home, I was disappointed.

Everyday I came home this week I asked how his day was, he’d answer and not ask me back. I made a point of it stating that he wasn’t making conversation back, and he claimed he had asked me but he hadn’t, I asked what I replied and he pulled from something else.

Tonight I switched tact and didn’t bother asking him how his day was. We had the usual transactional conversations about food and kids, admin, tv and pretty much sat in silence. It got to 9pm and I said it’s strange that despite me making a point of him not asking me about me day all week, tonight I didn’t ask him and he still hasn’t asked. As usual he gaslit me - it’s because I’d snapped at him earlier (apparently), then he said the amount of nights I’m on my phone… all my fault. Not that he could be better at that. I had a huge presentation at work this week and he didn’t wish me luck, message me in day or ask anything when he came home yesterday.

We have no spark, no sexual chemistry- I don’t enjoy sex with him, it’s just a tick box exercise to say we do it once a month but I’d say it’s more like 8 times a year. We do have two young kids and both work full time but honestly, we just WhatsApp back and forth mostly for communication. It’s all admin. I don’t enjoy time with him. He doesn’t like people who speak too much, doesn’t like stories, takes the mick out of people who tell boring stories. If I tell a story even if just about my day he zones out. Sometimes I will just open my mouth and he will huff before I’ve said anything.

I keep thinking when the kids are older it will get better but actually, I just don’t know if it will.

anyone else been here? We’ve been married 10 years and I’m not quite 40 yet so thinking it’s a long life ahead. That said I don’t want to share the kids, I don’t want to deal with the finance fall out, definitely don’t want to be dating again……. He is not open to marriage counselling but also comes from a strict catholic family so wouldn’t divorce either.

Even before we were married I noticed he wasn’t a team with me, even in front of his own family he’d be wanting to show off and the centre of attention and not think about me. He’s not like that generally but weirdly feels he has to impress his parents, they have a weird dynamic. He’s almost nervous in front of them…. It stretches further than that though, in group settings I had to tell him to stop making the butt of all his jokes. It might have been funny once or twice but everytime we went out he’d be bantering at my expense. It’s almost like if he wasn’t doing that he wouldn’t know how to interact with me in public. In general I’ve found he’s never had my back and will take the side of anyone or anything else. His response? You don’t need me to stick up for you, you’re strong enough.

honestly I wonder if an open relationship later down the line is an option. Something has to change.

When we are out with other parents I notice how affectionate they are subtly with one another, supportive and a team. It makes me think it’s not he ages of the kids. Has anyone been in a similar boat?

And counselling with someone who turns everything to be your fault won’t work. For counselling to have benefits , both have to be able to admit where they can do better. He won’t.

A lot of people on here (and on social media) describe their partner’s qualities s if it is shot a job description (he’s a good dad, does the washing up, takes the kids to school, is nice to my mum etc etc) when marriage is really about where you really connect with a person at a spiritual level, where there is love and you both want the best for eachother, can laugh together, have eachother’s back. Tough times will come in everyone’s life and that is when you really know if you are with the right person.

it is not about whether someone sounds good on paper.

think really hard about what you actually want from life

But are you in love with each other? Do you laugh with each other? You sound very unhappy with your life. I've been married much longer than you, we don't fancy each other anymore, don't have sex (or want it), but we have such a deep deep love of each other, so much in common, and laugh until we're helpless. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, even though there's no physical side there anymore, he's absolutely my life. The question you need to ask yourself honestly is 'Do you care enough'? If he left you tomorrow (by any means) how would you feel? I think once the love has gone, it's gone and you need to call it a day. You're here once. Xx

We had kids younger but what helped me at 40. HRT to give me my spark again. Telling dh stuff, he is happy to sit and listen. He wont ask me questions but more than happy to listen.

Having couple good friends to fill the emotional gap. If I need big repsinses or excitement I tell my friends as its not in dh nature - he is so laid back.

Finding one thing I find sexy in dh - his eyes and butt.

Having counselling myself and learning to count my blessings and not add short comings.

Hobbies - i got kids into family activity and we all do it together. As kids got older I picked up another hobby myself so have new group of people

I value dh in that if shit hits fan he will be there. He will step up and will always have my back

Also you setting him tests and traps is not a way to improve things OP

if my partner sulked and sat in silence all evening I would also leave well alone 😅

Me and my best mate ring each other on drive home and debrief about our days. Much more therapeutic than dh lol

I send him text messages during day as he processes those better

Unless and until you get counselling for yourself you’ll just be going in circles and drive yourself mad.

Hi op I could have written this post a few years ago. I think it’s difficult because of the kids in my set up was I wasn’t willing to give up on my dc it wasn’t easy but I could not imagine sharing custody. I planned to go after dc finished school, college but thing magically got better just before then. It was like he knew what was coming. So I stayed and things go around to good then drop back down my dp hates work so I know this affects moods I have offered various solutions over the years but he never wanted to try them. Now I go out with others to talk etc. we have date nights but he won’t go to parties etc. I would suggest counselling for yourself this is for you to get listened to without judgement. I would also say if you read the threads on here the grass isn’t always greener so you might not get the guy you want. I think only you can decide what to do. Look at the bigger picture for all of you. I was also swept up adored then sometimes I think he despises me it really is a roller coaster emotionally. Good luck.

I totally disagree with this - or at least I think it's very dependent on how the parents handle the divorce, treat the DC after the divorce and what happens next. My DPs divorced when I was six and DSis was three and it has had a lifelong impact on my DSis - terrible MH and an inability to form a successful adult relationship due to her insecure attachment to our DPs.

Having said that, I don't think any couple should stay in a miserable marriage 'because of the children'. If you want to split up, do it, you have one life and you have the right to try and live it as happily and contentedly as you can. Your marriage sounds miserable and very lonely with an emotionally unavailable DH who doesn't meet a great number of your needs. Yes, he pulls his weight financially and practically - so he's not a complete arsehole - but he's also clearly not the right man for you. I would split up OP, but do it with the DC at the forefront of you mind at all times and hopefully he will too. Do it right and you shouldn't do any long-term harm to your DC.

Are you both happy in a sexless marriage? I think I would be, I don’t think I’m a particularly sexual person anymore. He used to complain but has long given up trying. I have made it clear that without emotional connection, I have zero desire to sleep with him. We laughed so much in the beginning, that’s his personality, he is a jester. The laughing was the last thing to go and the real solid thing we had. We still make each other laugh here and there but nothing like before. I’m confident if we really tried we could get that back. I think I should start to distance myself from him for a bit, let him feel something isn’t right.

I would gently offer this - talk with your priest, and talk calmly but seriously with your husband. Say it will not be a conversation that gets side tracked in to “blame”, it needs to be proactive and based on affection and allegiance. Young children are hard, and I k ie from experience how hard they are when you have no family left on your side for whatever reason. The time goes by so quickly though, and if there is any of your original love left you deserve and your family deserves you both to put effort in to trying to keep it going. Do you think your feelings have been altered by the colleague/person you were having a very emotionally supportive relationship with during the pandemic? Are you in therapy as an individual? Or talking to your priest as an individual?

Could he be autistic or neurodivergent in some way? Could he be depressed if he’s changed quite dramatically?
maybe write him a letter if he can’t have conversations with you letting him know your feelings and asking about the above - so it doesn’t backfire you could draft a letter on chatgpt and ask it to re word it so it is received well/not taken as a criticism.

Yes, we're very happy being sexless! I'm in menopause, and the desire left us both a few years ago. Neither of us is interested so it works for us. We do care very deeply for each other and we know instantly if the other needs support. Admittedly, we're like best friends but very VERY best friends with a deep loving connection. Like I said, if the love is gone then it's gone, in my opinion. Are you in love with him, or just 'love him' ?

Xx

I came to the conclusion that, watching other couples, that getting out should be compulsory at ten years..a free dissolution ..the marriage licence expires . Remarry if you want to. I bet most don’t want to.

Somehwat agree with this, but I'm pretty sure at 10 years we would have renewed.
Maybe at 20 years even.
Now at 30 years and I would have renewed but DH is leaving me.

We were watching a sitcom the other day and there was a lovely romantic moment and I was a bit gooey eyed and even two of the kids said ‘ah that’s nice’ and nothing from dh at all. I honestly don’t know if we want the honeymoon for life thing op, but I think all couples should chat to each other about their day, laugh, want to tell each other stuff etc. I’ve radio silence here. I say feel him out about actually doing the dating thing- see if he’d go for dinner or to the cinema with you, then see what your gut says. That or have the is this it conversation. x

Are you ok?

I don’t think I love him anymore. I love what we have, the family unit, the support we give to one another in terms of running the house, finances, support for each others careers, having someone to ‘do life’ with, we have nice holidays and I like that he has a family as I don’t. I’d be completely alone if we separated. I just don’t want to have sex with him and emotionally it’s like living with someone who I barely know right now. I’d say he resents my career, definitely things have gone down hill since as I want to talk about it and tbh all my friends and his friends want to talk about it, I can only imagine how he plays it down like everything else when asked. I’d imagine it’s like when mum has a baby and everyone asks about the baby. That said, even before my career, things went down hill….. ever since the day I was opening up to him and being vulnerable about how Christmas triggers me, just a few years into our relationship and he didn’t even look over from the tv, I’ve known he and I are on a different emotional spectrum.

With respect I’m not sure that strategy will help - it feels more likely to just drive the wedge deeper.

I really related to your post because I feel my husband and I also have a similar balance of personalities - I am more emotionally open and need some verbal validation/enquiry, whereas that whole idea is alien to him and he shows love by doing. Like yours, he is a great father and householder, and very sensitive to ups and downs at work.

What really helped for me was individual therapy (in a group as it was cheaper, and actually I got loads from the other women in the group) which helped me get stuff off my chest about the relationship and everything else. I did this for nearly 5 years.

It also made me see that my way of responding to his emotional withdrawal was angry outbursts and/or guilt trips, which just alienated him further. I’ve learned to take a deep breath and a step back when he pisses me off and only talk to him about issues when I’m calm. As part of this process I told him (calmly) that I needed his verbal validation and it was a non-negotiable, even if he had to force himself and fake it. He was amenable to trying and over the years it has become more habitual and genuine.

At the same time I really tried to meet his needs better. As a doer he wanted me to do stuff for him (which I sometimes really resented) - but actually cooking him a meal, or taking time to do something he wanted together helped him warm to me as well. I imagine he probably would really appreciate you taking the kids and giving him a lie in sometimes for example?

I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that he will never be able to have a conversation with the emotional depth that I crave, and I have to get this from elsewhere. I am lucky to have this with my mum, sister and one close friend. I’m sorry you don’t have family you can turn to for this, but do you have any friends who can fulfil this need for you?

Ultimately, if one or both of you is unwilling or unable to adjust your modus operandi then the marriage probably doesn’t have legs. But it sounds like he is overall a good guy who is just very different from you - not totally unsalvageable compared to some of the horror stories people share on MN every day!

OP there is nothing worse than being lonely in your marriage. Once you realise you’re the person who is driving all of the conversation, all of the interact etc it just gets worse. I was in a lonely marriage and it slowly ate away at me. It turned me into someone I didn’t know.

Eventually I stopped talking, so we stopped talking. We would walk around the park together in silence. Things actually got awkward at home. We were like two strangers living together. We would sit in separate rooms. We’d talk when we had to but it was exchanges we had to make. I would sit upstairs crying, wondering how this was my life. Our relationship became sexless, I couldn’t remember the last time we held hands, kissed, hugged. Everything about it became transactional. We actually did try counselling but we let it get too far that it was too late. Too much hate and resentment for each other had built up.

Living like that and it’s only a matter of time before someone ventures outside the marriage.

Contrary to what people say I don’t believe that is what marriage is like at all. You’re a team in marriage. It’s only now I’ve met DH I realise that not all relationships stale like that. Yes, you hit bumps but you work as a team to identify them and overcome them together.

I would lay all cards out to him and if he brushes you off or ignores you I would contemplate divorce. Luckily, his Catholicism doesn’t mean he can refuse you a divorce.

Ignore the insanity comment saying it could be worse because he doesn’t hit you. You don’t need to live like that. Being alone is better than being lonely in a marriage.

Your situation sounds like a mirror of mine minus the children, I'm 38 was married for 10 years, with him for 17 all in and I'm now getting divorced.

I tried really hard for a year to re ignite things once I realised how rocky they were. Going to the gym, getting waxed, new clothes. I kept taking him to one side and telling him how I felt. But nothing changed. Eventually I just thought he must feel the same as me and told him it was over.
He completely U turned and said he'd do anything to keep me. Unfortunately it was already too late, I had check out in my mind and already fancied someone else. I did agree to give it one last go (hoping he could actually win my feelings back) but what I noticed is that no matter how hard he tried, it was his nature that made him do all the things I didn't like, the things I had just ignored for years and you can't change people's personalities. He is self centered and controlling by nature and it sadly won't change.

I'm now in a new relationship and I realise what I've missed out on. The new guy is so doting, cares how I feel all the time about everything and I don't feel like I'm on my own in a relationship anymore. We are head over heels for each other and we are looking forward to the second half of our lives together.
We laugh how we are that gross couple thats always clinging on to each other and kissing in public. Something neither of us have ever done before and used to think was stupid. Turns out it's just true love.

It's a daunting thing to do, splitting up, but it doesn't sound like you have any happiness in your relationship and life is pointless without it. Go and be happy x

Intimacy is pretty non existent. Sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I’m not bothered. I think I need a connection to want sex and there isn’t really much of a connection right now.

He’s not tactile at all, especially when out. He hates public displays of affection so he would never be like that.
He also says he’s not sociable and hates socialising. But actually when he’s out he’s really good at chatting to people and having a laugh with them. He would never do couple dates though. Hates socialising with my friends. Only happy with his own.

It’s definitely lonely. And sometimes I find myself being a bit jealous of my friends relationships. But I just keep reminding myself that theirs are not perfect either

Why on earth did you marry him in the first place? Did you ever actually like him or were you looking for a family?

I’ll go against the grain here and say don’t bother with marriage counselling - you’ll be throwing good money after bad and you’re way past that between not having a relationship with him at all and considering an open marriage. Just split up - it’ll be easier on everyone.

It's obvious this needs much talking about, as he seems similarly unhappy/disconnected from your relationship? I think if you could talk, or have proper counselling, get to the crux of it, then it'll kill or cure, but at least you'll both know and it might help decide the future. You might discover that you do love him. How would you feel if he said he felt the same way you do, that he's not sure if he's in love with you?
What's the best/worst outcome here? Is splitting up the worst thing you can imagine, or is staying together (sexless!) forever?

My favourite proverb is "Nothing changes if nothing changes" x

For the love of god, have an honest conversation with him and tell him all of this. I understand your complaints, especially those about him not asking about your day etc, but it really does seem like these are symptoms of a much deeper malaise. What's on the other side of a frank conversation will be difficult, no doubt about it, but are you really content to let your life drift by in this way, when you could do something about it?

She already has. He's not interested.