The realisation my marriage is not going to be forever

[Mistymeg]

That’s it. I don’t see a lifetime of this. I also worry there is no smoking gun here. On paper he’s the perfect husband and Dad, gets up with the kids almost every morning, gets them ready for the nursery and drops them so I can get ready and commute, he also then goes into the office most days too, he dotes on them, he’s a good cook and does most of the cooking and bbqing, no controlling behaviour and keeps a lot of the house going really. I do my share, I definitely do, we have our roles and just like finances it’s pretty much 50/50, if anything I feel he’s a bit put out recently that my career is flying but he seems to cope better with the pressure of two toddlers, full time job and daily stress than I do, so everything has a cost.

That said, the spark has long gone. Way before the better jobs and recent pressures.

I’m so lonely. He barely looks at me or acknowledges me. I don’t look forward to being around him, the thought of dinner with him sounds dull to me and when he was due to be out last night and came home, I was disappointed.

Everyday I came home this week I asked how his day was, he’d answer and not ask me back. I made a point of it stating that he wasn’t making conversation back, and he claimed he had asked me but he hadn’t, I asked what I replied and he pulled from something else.

Tonight I switched tact and didn’t bother asking him how his day was. We had the usual transactional conversations about food and kids, admin, tv and pretty much sat in silence. It got to 9pm and I said it’s strange that despite me making a point of him not asking me about me day all week, tonight I didn’t ask him and he still hasn’t asked. As usual he gaslit me - it’s because I’d snapped at him earlier (apparently), then he said the amount of nights I’m on my phone… all my fault. Not that he could be better at that. I had a huge presentation at work this week and he didn’t wish me luck, message me in day or ask anything when he came home yesterday.

We have no spark, no sexual chemistry- I don’t enjoy sex with him, it’s just a tick box exercise to say we do it once a month but I’d say it’s more like 8 times a year. We do have two young kids and both work full time but honestly, we just WhatsApp back and forth mostly for communication. It’s all admin. I don’t enjoy time with him. He doesn’t like people who speak too much, doesn’t like stories, takes the mick out of people who tell boring stories. If I tell a story even if just about my day he zones out. Sometimes I will just open my mouth and he will huff before I’ve said anything.

I keep thinking when the kids are older it will get better but actually, I just don’t know if it will.

anyone else been here? We’ve been married 10 years and I’m not quite 40 yet so thinking it’s a long life ahead. That said I don’t want to share the kids, I don’t want to deal with the finance fall out, definitely don’t want to be dating again……. He is not open to marriage counselling but also comes from a strict catholic family so wouldn’t divorce either.

Even before we were married I noticed he wasn’t a team with me, even in front of his own family he’d be wanting to show off and the centre of attention and not think about me. He’s not like that generally but weirdly feels he has to impress his parents, they have a weird dynamic. He’s almost nervous in front of them…. It stretches further than that though, in group settings I had to tell him to stop making the butt of all his jokes. It might have been funny once or twice but everytime we went out he’d be bantering at my expense. It’s almost like if he wasn’t doing that he wouldn’t know how to interact with me in public. In general I’ve found he’s never had my back and will take the side of anyone or anything else. His response? You don’t need me to stick up for you, you’re strong enough.

honestly I wonder if an open relationship later down the line is an option. Something has to change.

When we are out with other parents I notice how affectionate they are subtly with one another, supportive and a team. It makes me think it’s not he ages of the kids. Has anyone been in a similar boat?

He sounds awful OP.. He sounds petty, narrow minded and thick and as if he is threatened by you being brighter and more successful. Imagine not liking people telling stories wtf?

It might actually be a bit of a relief to just accept that this isn’t for life. I csn see that it would be really hard to leave right now but it sounds like a goal to work towards in the future. Something tp promise yourself. And in the meantime detach.

My parents were like this and did split eventually when us kids were late teens. My mum was just starting to enjoy her life but then got cancer and died. I’m saying this to point out that life is too short to hang around in a very unhappy situation. I understand that my parents didn’t want to disrupt us and finances would have been difficult but their unhappiness blighted my childhood probably equally or more than a split would have done and I wish my mum could have had more happiness in her life.

Because you knew what you were getting into before you married him. Did you think you could change him? He’s probably thinking the same as you (ie wants out).

I put yabu because he doesn't have the right to deny you a divorce.

You are in your thirties and lonely in a dead marriage. He's not willing to try to resolve the issues. Apparently you are expected to continue this pretence. In doing so, your children will learn that this is normal, and in 30 years time, they will be copying you. Is that really what you want?

Time to start planning. Your career is taking off, your children are more independent every day. Start making plans. For godness sake, take back your life.

You mentioned losing the spark early in your post, so initially my advice was going to be about rediscovering whatever attracted you to this man enough to marry him and have children with him, because there must have been something. And vice versa because this shouldn't just be about you making the effort. How did you use to have fun, what did you use to talk about?

Then I got to this bit...

Even before we were married I noticed he wasn’t a team with me

It stretches further than that though, in group settings I had to tell him to stop making the butt of all his jokes

In general I’ve found he’s never had my back and will take the side of anyone or anything else

And realised it's one of those marriages where neither of you has ever actually liked the other one much and yet for some reason married and had kids with each other anyway. Divorce him and work out what that reason is (in therapy if necessary) so you don't do it again.

He sounds like he doesn’t like you very much but I do wonder if you give off similar vibes to him? I would give marriage guidance a go as there are some positives in your relationship. If that fails I would look to seperate.

I voted YABU because by your own admission you saw what he was like and still married him anyway.

You can divorce whenever you like btw you don't need his permission.

If you want to fix this then get couples therapy. Otherwise then just pull the plug now and try and coparenting amicably. It's probably going to be easier on the kids now than when they're older.

‘he seems to cope better with the pressure of two toddlers, full time job and daily stress than I do’

Maybe he doesn’t though, maybe he feels he is facilitating you/your career by focussing on the morning routine for the children and ‘keeping the house going’?

Seems like communication challenges on all sides and maybe you have both fallen into roles that might have worked once but are maybe not working now?

It is really hard having two parents working full time with small children (and older ones tbh!) - there isn’t much joy in it at times…….

Firstly him agreeing to a divorce isn't a prerequisite for a divorce. Can you remember what attracted you to him in the first place?

You sound just like my parents: nice house, plenty of money, no emotional or physical abuse. Just different souls who never should have married - decent, good people in their own right. Hugely, hugely miserable together. The affairs probably started when I was about 6/7.

For the sake of the children, end it sooner rather than later. The children will recover better the younger they are. My parents divorced when I was 12. Just as I was settling into high school and hormones kicked in. Fucked me up for 20 years.

We only went away with children once for 2 nights and he was very unwell and needed antibiotics for an infection when we got home. I was pregnant. That was 2 years ago. We don’t ever go away just the two of us. We do go away on our own with work or with friends. We don’t have any family support, just paid for help. His parents are just too old and not up for it and I don’t have family.

Did anything change so you did bring yourself to do it? What happened..

For the sake of the children, end it sooner rather than later. The children will recover better the younger they are. My parents divorced when I was 12. Just as I was settling into high school and hormones kicked in. Fucked me up for 20 years.

I can't emphasise this enough. Every time I see someone wanting to stay together "for the children" I want to say that without exception, everyone I know whose parents divorced when they were under 10 is a well-adjusted adult whereas everyone I know whose parents divorced in their teens (or worse when they'd just left home) has been messed up to some extent by it.

Under-10s might cry for a week but they will take it in stride. Teenagers and young adults may look as if they're coping better because they understand, but they'll also have a lot more long-lasting inner turmoil. Not to mention teenagers and young adults will have to deal with it on top of life things that actually matter like exams and university - and at some point they'll also have easy access to unhealthy coping mechanisms (drugs, booze) that a 6-year-old doesn't.

We just wouldn’t get anywhere, he won’t talk about emotions or be honest, he will gaslight me by saying it’s all my fault. I wonder if we talk about it calm if it would work. I do think we need support. I just think I met him when I was in a very vulnerable place and wanted to be loved. Of all the people I could have fallen for, for all intents and purposes, I fell for a good egg. However, not someone I’m emotionally compatible with. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I love a chat, quite emotional and passionate and he’s just well so laid back he’s horizontal, quite low energy, and has huge mood swings depending on his job. He had energy when I met him, and he is in and out of these companies every few years and if he doesn’t like the job he’s utterly miserable. Like now. Compounded by my new very good company and it’s probably not helping.

What is your share of household stuff and kids stuff? Only because from your post alone it seems like he does a lot at home like the cooking, getting kids dressed whilst also working. You mention you commute etc but could it be he feels utterly exhausted from the housework AND also working so then conversation is dead? I’m at home and I don’t work at the mo but being with baby all day IS still exhausting and my husband often wonders why I’m not more energetic and his argument is ‘he’s been to work all day’ but being at home with a young child IS still exhausting let alone on top of work for you two!

could you guys afford to take some leave this summer? See if your relationship improves then? Or if it’s the kids being exhausting could you give them to grandparents / family for a weekend if they are around ? :)

Yes there was a huge spark in the early days. I’d say we’ve both changed a lot. He was very chatty and engaging in the early days, utterly besotted with me and me him. However, a couple of years in and I vividly remember saying to him that Christmas was a trigger for me as I don’t have the family unit most others have. I was only 28 at the time, he knew fell well about my challenging upbringing. He didn’t even look up from the tv. Just said ‘oh no’ and he does that a lot ‘poor darling’ when I confide in him about something big. We were at his parents house and his brother unannounced said his daughter was like their mum - smart and a force to be reckoned with. My heart just sank as DH would never speak about me like that. Ever. Let alone unannounced. I brought it up and DH said you don’t need praise… drives me mad.

I feel like a lot of this sounds like normal married life with young kids and full time jobs. It's not going to be exciting and romantic because very few people have time for that. It is exhausting and relentless at times, and I think that can take a toll on the connection you have with your partner.

I feel like you haven't really considered how your partner is feeling in all of this. It sounds like they are involved heavily with the child admin side of things. Personally, this is something that I find mentally and physically draining, and your observation that they handle the stress of two toddlers better than you might not be correct, perhaps they are really struggling but don't know what to say or do to change it and are also feeling resentful.

From reading your post, it sounds like at times you are setting them up to fail (waiting for them to ask about your day, then complaining later when they don't as an example). Havw you thought about asking how their day is, fully listening, responding appropriately to what they say and then just telling them how your day was rather than waiting to be asked? I appreciate it is nice to be asked, but something has to change to build the communication and connection, and criticising someone isn't likely to be a good starting point.

I see that you have suggested councilling, which seems like a good idea, but they have refused. What reason did they give for this? Perhaps you could suggest that you both get some councilling on your own first and then go from there?

Yes we did.

Unlike many of the women who post here, you seem to have the basics of a relationship (no huge red flags/abuse), so with an open mind and counseling you could get through this (possibly). I wouldn't jump to open marriage, ending it etc yet. Something needs to change, but maybe not in that direction yet.

This is heartwarming to read. Do you think emotionally you were compatible all along, just under pressure or do you think with enough effort and time you found one another again despite being incompatible personality wise.

They’re always just quick witted lines, same thread of a joke just spread out over the evening and if any spotlight is shone on me it will be a joke about my shortcomings. I don’t think he’s ever once said anything complimentary about me at a dinner.

He sounds awful OP. Honestly I could not stay married to him. I’d divorce him as soon as possible. Potentially when both are at school.

I disagree. I think he does sound abusive.

In fact OP I’d get out earlier. The sooner you do it the less it will impact the kids.