Would you find it weird if your mil asked you this ?

[Golferlady]

Looking for honest opinions please as I really don’t want to be that MIL that makes things awkward.

My son is getting married next year and I was thinking about asking my future DIL to come with me to help me choose my outfit. If your MIL asked this, would you think it’s odd and feel uncomfortable about it ?

There’s a couple of reasons I was thinking about asking - the first is that I know my future DIL has been to buy her dress & understandably isn’t telling anyone anything about it and her mum also has her outfit now which she also wants to keep a surprise for the day. So I’m worried that I might inadvertently go for a similar style or colour. For example I love lace but I know that could be what DIL or her mum has gone for. So thinking she could steer me away if I’m straying into their territory.

The other reason is that I’ve not been included in any of the wedding planning which I am secretly a bit gutted about but absolutely haven’t let on to anyone. I thought this could be a way to feel a bit more part of it rather than just feeling like a guest.

Wibu to suggest it ?

Honestly, I'd have been very touched if my MIL had asked me to go with her to choose her outfit and would have done so with pleasure. I'm assuming you and DIL get on okay? If there's tension between you then obviously that's different. But assuming you at least like each other okay, it sounds like a rather lovely idea.

Not at all! I’d be really flattered if my MiL asked me… she AND my mum came to my wedding dress shopping. It’s not weird at all! Totally get about clashing… think my MIL left hers last minute and just text me asking what colour my mum was wearing. Congrats on your sons wedding

I think it sounds lovely.

My SIL went shopping with my mum for an outfit for their wedding, she did all us a favour cos she's a nightmare to buy for 😂

Sounds like a great idea!!! Make sure to tell DIL to flag if its too close to MOB or bridesmaid colours or clashes. And be honest about the cut/fit/style etc!

I didn't go with my mum or my mil to pick their outfits for my wedding but I wouldn't have thought it was weird if they had asked me.

I think this is one of those things that will depend entirely on your relationship and her response could range from fgs haven't I got enough to do, to what a lovely thing to do together.

TBH if you haven't been included in the wedding planning so far, I think it could be closer to the first one 😪

I'd ask my son whether he thinks she'd like the suggestion.

I think it's a lovely idea, I would also say to have lunch and a glass of wine so you can relax and chat too xx

I'd be flattered. Just make it clear it's a request as you'd appreciate her input rather than her feel like it's an obligation because you are her mil.

If you think she’d not be keen then maybe narrow it down to 2 or 3 outfits and ask her to come see them. Even a text to say ‘I like these are there any you would rule out for being too similar/close or any you prefer?’

I don't think it's weird at all. If you and your future DIL have a good relationship, she might actually appreciate being asked. There's no pressure if she's busy, but it could be a nice opportunity to spend some time together before the wedding. I'd just keep the invitation relaxed so she feels comfortable saying yes or no.

That would be lovely, if she looks reticent then ask if she wouldn’t mind if you sent her some pictures of any you like.

DH and I made a big thing of dressing the men of the family, and invited everyone along to the fitting, wives included, we then all went to lunch together. It was lovely to have everyone involved. The tailor asked my husbands best man if he was the father of the groom, he’s 2mths older than DH, caused much hilarity on the day.

Lovely idea OP. Verbalise the first reason to her, but not the second! And yes, if you can afford to treat her to lunch too, that would be super to start building a strong relationship with her as her own person.

It's a nice gesture. My future DIL chose mine. We spent an afternoon going through dresses on line and I bought the one she really liked. Fortunately she has great taste!

Do you and DIL generally get on, OP? Do you think she feels reasonably relaxed with you?

If so I think it is a lovely idea. I would mention the reasons you’ve given above when asking, and also include an invitation to whatever refreshment she would appreciate.

FWW, if your child is male then I don’t think it’s significant in itself that you’ve been excluded from the wedding preparations. Weddings above all can bring out the tribalism in brides. I’m sorry, though.

Theyve been together a good few years now and come on holiday every year with us so from my perspective we get on well - albeit most women I know despise their MILs so perhaps she’s a good actress

Apologies for the cross post OP

Sounds like a lovely idea - and you can treat her to lunch.

None of my sons in law ever asked me to go with them to choose their outfits! 🙁

I think I’d have liked it if I’d been asked to do this. But YABU to say you are upset at not being included in the wedding planning. If your son has done that, it’s down to him, not her.

I think if I was the dil, I would prefer my mil to ask me out for a relaxing lunch and afternoon at a spa rather than clothes shopping tbh.

If you want to be more involved op, you could start by asking your dil, if there is any task she needs help with, or taking off her hands?

If not, maybe suggest it would be lovely to take her out for lunch if she has time?

Then at the lunch you could casually mention your outfit and if she offers to help naturally then you could run with it?

I'm all for this, surprises can back fire like my wedding when mil wanted hers to be a surprise and just told me the colour. There was a popular shop for wedding guest dresses for older women and my mother fell in love with a particular dress and I thought why not, it fitted her perfectly was gorgeous on her and a different colour to what mil told me she had. The morning of the wedding they arrived in the exact same dress just different colours, out of all the dresses they picked the same one😳 I didn't mind but I could see they were both so uncomfortable and mil had words with me.

@poetryandwine i think she is relaxed around me but obviously you can never know for sure.

I think that is a lovely idea. Go for it.

I didn’t say I was upset specifically with my future DIL for not being included in the planning…. of course I know it’s on my son to have involved me. But DIL has a vision of the day and DS is happy to run with her vision so naturally she has leaned on her family to discuss ideas, view venues etc

And I haven’t verbalized it either in real life - but I’m allowed to feel secretly upset about it. I only have sons and I feel disappointed that this is one experience I won’t get to be part of.

Why do most women you know despise their MILs? Surely not, and if it’s true then it can’t all be for the same reason

Just ask her if she fancies some lunch and a shopping trip to help choose your wedding outfit!