Would you find it weird if your mil asked you this ?

[Golferlady]

Looking for honest opinions please as I really don’t want to be that MIL that makes things awkward.

My son is getting married next year and I was thinking about asking my future DIL to come with me to help me choose my outfit. If your MIL asked this, would you think it’s odd and feel uncomfortable about it ?

There’s a couple of reasons I was thinking about asking - the first is that I know my future DIL has been to buy her dress & understandably isn’t telling anyone anything about it and her mum also has her outfit now which she also wants to keep a surprise for the day. So I’m worried that I might inadvertently go for a similar style or colour. For example I love lace but I know that could be what DIL or her mum has gone for. So thinking she could steer me away if I’m straying into their territory.

The other reason is that I’ve not been included in any of the wedding planning which I am secretly a bit gutted about but absolutely haven’t let on to anyone. I thought this could be a way to feel a bit more part of it rather than just feeling like a guest.

Wibu to suggest it ?

I didn't go with my MIL but she did ask me what colour my mum was wearing.

You could say I'm going on X day if your free to come with me. That way if she doesn't want to she can just say she's busy that day.

Wow BoredZelda, you cannot pick your children's sexes, and the OP is allowed to feel like she's missing out on stuff. I think DIL will like to be asked, especially as you don't have any daughters. I'd suggest a nice lunch and it should be a lovely day for you both.

It's nice! Means you value her opinion and want to spend time with her, nice idea. Can only be a positive thing!

I think I'd feel a bit under pressure to go and make it a ' thing' but I'm quite pragmatic and shopping for my own wedding dress wasn't even a big ' thing', just a task to get done. I'd probably wonder why MIL wasn't going with a friend her own age who could give better advice on what suited. I wouldn't think it was weird to ask, just probably wouldn't love it. But if it was convenient, I might go to make her happy

I lost my MIL to cancer 4 years after we got married and I hugely regret not involving her more in the wedding run up. I am mortified every time I remember that I didn’t invite her to my hen do until the last minute.

She was wonderful but I think I was young, naive and a bit absent minded about it all and I didn’t think to ask her to things. I know she would have loved to be more involved (she had three boys!)

So I would say definitely suggest it.

@thatgreenjuniper made some good points.

You sound like you will be a lovely, considerate MIL.

I also think sussing out what you want and trying it on and making a short list before going shopping together is a really good idea As brides to be can get very busy in the run up.

Start online and then in person...
The MN shopping board often has good suggestions.

Somewhere like a big John Lewis has a personal shopper who will be great at making a suggestion of the right style and I think its free, (last time I saw it advertised) but you need to book it in. Maybe ask them first? They know the stock really well and what suits people's figures. And you can always take that advice to the next place if you can't find the right thing there. I once had similar help in Monsoon and it really was a good call.

Allow time to get something altered (professionally maybe) if it is great but not quite the right fit.

Best of luck, I'm sure you will look fab!

I went dress shopping with my MiL for my wedding, it was a really nice experience for both of us.

She'd narrowed down a few options already so I just went along and gave my opinion on the 3 options in the same shop. I think that was the best way she could have done it - not hours trawling around shops, quick look at the dresses they had on hold then off for a cuppa and cake.

I don't always get along with my MiL on everything, she's a force ! But I do really like and respect her and this was a nice pre-wedding memory.

MIL has 3 sons, I married the youngest and she's always said she would have liked a daughter to do things like this with, I think that's completely understandable, she's never stepped on my mother's toes.

Go for it ! She'll make a polite excuse if she's not into it x

Also - you're undoubtedly a nice MiL if you've not made a fuss out of not being included more in the wedding stuff. Good on you for prioritising the relationship over a one day event.

Really lovely that you can now realise the errors of your ways. I also didn’t include mine in the hen party and now as a mum to sons realise how much it would have meant to her. But I speak to others who don’t feel the same.

Ditto - I am also now the mother to sons! Thank you for your message.

I wouldn’t have known where to look if my MIL had asked me to go dress shopping with her! Surely she’s capable of dressing herself? On the other hand, I couldn’t care less what anyone wore to my wedding - none of my business what a person chooses to wear.

As for not being involved in wedding planning: I outsourced pretty much all of mine to third parties. I’d consider myself lucky in your shoes 😂

I’d not,like this, she’s likely very busy and a morning traipsing round shops watching you try on outfits will be many people’s idea of hell. No matter how close you are.

id maybe say I’m going dress shopping to x on sat, if you’re free you could come along and we could have lunch, if not anything I should avoid so I don’t dress rhe same as your mum? And leave it there, gives her the ability to say sorry I’d love to but busy sat, stay away from x, or sure, am free.

I did this with both my MILs

My son went with all his groomsmen and the dads to get fitted for their suits all together so I couldn’t really be the embarrassing mum gatecrashing that one !

However my husband wants to buy him a tie from Hermes for the day so I will suggest the 3 of us go and make a day of it rather than just ordering online. Thank you for the suggestion.

The groomsmen and dads thing is quire standard,

I think it’s a lovely idea. My DDs MIL was with DD when she found ‘the dress’, I’d been to other shops with her & was working that day, didn’t mind at all & it was nice for MIL to be included as she only had sons. They too had a vision for the wedding so the dress was the only thing I was involved in, which I was a bit sad about but oh well.

You sound like a lovely mother in law. Unfortunately my husband is estranged from his Mum and we've never met in 16 years, but if things were different I'd like to have had a MIL relationship like this.

I’m not asking her to do my zip up for me 😂but just want to make sure my outfit aligns with the vision of the day and thought it would be a nice thing to do together

Also just to say it wouldn’t be aimless traipsing round the shops - there is a specific mother of bride / groom dress shop not too far from my son and DIL that I have been looking at so you only get an hour’s slot anyway so hopefully she won’t feel like she’s wasting a whole day on me.

I like my MiL but would have found this weird. Nevertheless, I think asking her is a nice gesture and think it would be good to frame it as an opportunity to build a stronger friendship/connection. I would check with your DS first, though.

Vision of the day? Are you sure that what you wear will impact their vision of the day, given they haven’t told you anything already? I mean, unless you intend on turning up looking like cruella deville, won’t you just buy something that’s appropriate and looks nice? Or are you talking about matching colours etc? If so, maybe just ask the bride what colours to avoid and pick one that suits you?

In reality I’m guessing you just want to be more involved in plans for your son’s wedding. I think you need to take this up with him, not your DIL to be. She has her own family and friends to manage and in all likelihood is doing more than 50% of the necessary work. Not sure a bride to be would appreciate more duties and obligations.

I liked my MIL and would have been happy to do this. It's my mum that I wouldn't have shopped with, either for my dress or hers!

When my DS got married to his wife, I asked the MofTB for a photo of her dress, so we didn't clash.
I too, wasn't included in any wedding arrangements. I guess that's unfortunate being the MofTG. I felt a bit overlooked at the wedding, but when my DD gets married, I will be sure to include her MIL at the bridal dress choosing, as she has 2 x DS.
I think, ask your DS first. If he agrees then enjoy the day with lunch and dress choosing.

I’d like to look like part of the wedding party instead of just a random guest so it would be nice to choose an colour and style that is cohesive with their day.

Mainly though it was a chance to bond / enjoy the wedding build up. It’s very hard as a MIL as I want to build a nice relationship with her but then see posts like this that say it would be a ‘duty and obligation’.

Really sad and mothers of daughters just don’t have to worry about any of this

I mean this politely but she has her own mother. I’m sure she really likes you but would you have wished to go dress shopping with your mil?

I don’t find dress shopping fun at tne best of times, but it’s a heck of a lot less fun when it’s clothes you’re not into and you’re just watching someone else trying them on.

I think someone’s suggestion of picking 3 and asking her to choose one.is a good idea, and then lunch, but again, she’s likely really busy and your dress won’t be up there for her, you could ask your son to come with you? She doesn’t need to do it as she’s female.

as said, do ask, but keep it light, like I’m off on sat to buy a dress, if free feel free to come along too, if not, what should I avoid.

if you want a good relationship don’t try to force this into her.

I think the key issue here is you want to be part of the wedding planning and your son has not included you, so you’re trying to find a way in.

I think that would be a lovely thing to do and you sound like a nice MIL to be. Just make it clear that there's no pressure. I regret not involving my own MIL more in my wedding planning. I grew so much closer to her after having children, she was such an amazing support and Grandparent and ended up much closer to her than my own Mum, as did my kids.

I understand it's hard but a wedding isn't the be all and end all, it's just the start of their life together and hopefully you will be as involved in that as your DILs Mum.