Would you find it weird if your mil asked you this ?

[Golferlady]

Looking for honest opinions please as I really don’t want to be that MIL that makes things awkward.

My son is getting married next year and I was thinking about asking my future DIL to come with me to help me choose my outfit. If your MIL asked this, would you think it’s odd and feel uncomfortable about it ?

There’s a couple of reasons I was thinking about asking - the first is that I know my future DIL has been to buy her dress & understandably isn’t telling anyone anything about it and her mum also has her outfit now which she also wants to keep a surprise for the day. So I’m worried that I might inadvertently go for a similar style or colour. For example I love lace but I know that could be what DIL or her mum has gone for. So thinking she could steer me away if I’m straying into their territory.

The other reason is that I’ve not been included in any of the wedding planning which I am secretly a bit gutted about but absolutely haven’t let on to anyone. I thought this could be a way to feel a bit more part of it rather than just feeling like a guest.

Wibu to suggest it ?

I'd have been happy to help, but my lovely MIL has a better sense of style than I'll ever have!

I would have enjoyed dress shopping with and for my MIL - I love clothes and she was a fabulous looking lady.

I didn’t go with her to choose her wedding outfit nor would I have asked her to my appointment- I see that as a thing for the bride and her mum. However MIL was asked to come to help choose the little flower girl’s dress as flower girl was fiancé’s niece and her granddaughter. I enjoyed a couple of shopping trips with her over the years and now she’s gone, I wish we could have had more.

Surely it depends entirely on the people involved, how they get on and what they like doing.

Why not just ask but give her an out. ‘I know you must be busy, so if you can’t or don’t fancy it love, no worries at all. Just let me know if there’s anything or any colour you’d prefer I avoid’.

Why on earth would anyone feel any obligation to invite their MIL on their own do? She's not your mum! Id find it really weird if my husband felt obliged to invite my dad on his stage do so why should women feel obliged to accommodate the in laws? Hen do's are for your closest friends, my hen do is in a month and I'm taking my three best friends away for a weekend, I am absolutely not spending a weekend with my MIL!

It’s pretty standard to invite MIL if hen do consists of a dinner with multiple female friends and family. A weekend away that mum isn’t going to either is a different thing.

Not unreasonable at all! You sound a lovely mil.

I think this is an absolutely lovely thing to suggest. Also a way to be involved, I would’ve loved if my late MIL asked this.

It’s really nice that you want to build a nice relationship with her. But I’m not sure that asking her to help you choose what you wear to her wedding is the best way (especially if it is an hour in a shop watching you try on things and needing to be diplomatic about her opinion). Relationships take time to build, and starting at peak stress in a young woman’s life is kinda more about you than her isn’t it? You say that YOU want to be more involved in the wedding - relationships are two way things, she seems to be fine as she is wrt your involvement in the wedding. You have the whole of the rest of her marriage to build a relationship.

I have a great relationship with my MIL. We have both stayed out of each other’s business and have never imposed (either way, except for right at the beginning about a couple of things which I’ve chosen to put out of my mind) for anything. And yet, we have both without hesitation or question “been there” for each other at different times over the years, through illness and various high-stress moments. She knows I have a mother already and don’t want or need another one. She could never be like a mother to me anyway; she didn’t even meet me until I was in my 30s. But to me she’s the perfect MIL. Quietly supportive, always there when needed, never when not. It’s a really difficult thing to gauge and manage, a completely different role to any other, takes a lot of thought and judgement, and she’s done it so well. She’s been a role model to me for when my time comes.

My DH did invite my dad on his stag do. And I would have liked to have my MIL, I just didn’t think to ask until really last minute. There was no obligation.

I have 4 adult children. 2 sons and 2 daughters. My son got married last year and my daughter is getting married next year so I have been on both sides of this.
I’m very close to my DIL. I wasn’t involved at all in their wedding preparations and was not invited to her hen (I get that because her mum didn’t want to go and she explained she couldn’t invite me if her mum wasn’t there and I totally agree) It did sting a bit though when my husband was invited to the stag with my other sons and my 2 daughters were invited to the hen so I was the only person not invited to anything.
My DH went with my DSs to buy suits and obviously I didn’t go with them.
My son did invite his FIL though which again I honestly didn’t mind. They are very close too.
It did end up though that I was very much sidelined from the build up so I get that feeling completely. I know this was because my DILs mum very much had a vision that it was her daughter’s wedding and nothing really to do with my son’s family. She actually said this to my son at one stage.
I am still very close though to my DIL though, she lives with us at the moment! So sometimes there are other dynamics at play. Who knows. The long term relationship is the important one.

Having said all that I know my daughter would be delighted to go dress shopping with her mother in law if she wasn’t invited so don’t be put off suggesting it.

Have you actually talked to your future DIL, OP about all of this? She may have no clue.

I love my MIL and would be upset to know she felt left out.

My MIL came to my party before the wedding as did her sister and niece. My mil also invited me shopping before the wedding too. She was shoe shopping for the wedding and wanted to buy me a nice pair too. I didn't have a theme/vision etc., my ex DH and I picked everything together, but both mothers were equally involved.

@Twodogsonthecouch yes I do feel a like I’m the only one not to have any involvement as DH has done the suits and my son has invited him and his future fil to the stag do so it’s just me with no participation in it.

I’m really mindful not to make any fuss and cause any unhappiness around the wedding. I have offered help to both my son and DIL but they just said it’s all under control. I think my DIL’s mum is quite a matriarch so perhaps she’s the driving force in this.

I went with my mil to buy hers and also my evening outfit. It was a lovely outing. My husband is an only child so she really enjoyed being more a part of the occasion.

As I said my DILs mum was a big part of it in my case. She has one daughter and 2 sons and I think she felt that she would have no involvement with her sons’ weddings so she didn’t want me to have anything to do with my sons wedding.
family dynamics can be tricky and as I say the long term relationship is the most important so sometimes you just have to suck it up even if it stings

I think it's lovely and would have gone with my MIL if asked

My MIL has 3 sons. When BIL got married I went shopping with MIL to look at outfits as she didn't have a DD to do it.

When we got married I actually took her and my mum separately to look at my potential dress.

I liked her and now love her and wanted her to feel part of our day and be a part of our lives.

My MIL is important to my DH so that made it important to him and me to be kind and include her.

Hopefully your DIL and you will go on to have a lovely relationship. Not all DIL hate their MILs.

I think it’s a lovely idea. You sound very considerate and thoughtful. I would have been flattered and delighted if my MIL had asked me. She did run her outfit colour past me but that was all. We got on well but were never particularly close but then she wasn’t close to many people. She was a brilliant MIL though…I’m sure she had very different ideas to me on many things but never once voiced them. I have only sons and hope I can bite my tongue as much as she must have!

If you really want to bond / spend time with her I’d also suggest offering to treat your DIL to lunch on the same day. A glass of wine might help you both relax.

I think it’s a really nice idea. Good for bonding. I helped my MIL pick her wedding dress! (She married hubbies step dad a couple of years after we got married!)

I actually went with my mother in law shopping to pick an outfit for my wedding.It was an amazing day and we went for lunch and literally shopped until we dropped!
It was a great way to let her feel part of the day but we had a great relationship anyway and we still go shopping and people still talk about her outfit.

I understand entirely where you’re coming from with feeling a bit left out. Being mother of the groom can be difficult - you don’t really have a specific role.
The bride and her immediate family are all very involved with bride type things. The groom’s DF is usually involved with the groom side of things. As the mother of the groom you’re either a spare wheel to the bridal party or a spare wheel to the grooms party. My DILs are both lovely and included me in a lot of things, but I was always aware of not wanting to be “that” MIL by being pushy about wedding things eg I would wait to be asked by them, I wouldn’t stick my nose in.
If you get on well with your DIL I would ask her, but maybe give her a get out clause so if she doesn’t want to do it she can decline and both of you save face. You might be pleasantly surprised and she might love to do it- but you’ll not know unless you ask.

I don't think it would be duty and obligation - I did it with my Mother-in-Law, we don't always see eye-to-eye, but I like her a lot. I wanted to go, there was no obligation in there. I guess it's just variable based on the person.

It was exactly as you are imagining it to be - a nice time and a nice memory.

Just suggest one shop, pre-choose some outfits, put them on hold and ask if she'd fancy coming with you to have a look and help decide the final one. This is what my MIL did. Your reasoning for wanting to fit with her Mum's outfit are perfectly sensible, you don't have to tell her about the rest.

Short but sweet, you could suggest a coffee after, makes it not too long but a nice outing.

There's also nothing wrong with feeling a bit upset you don't have a girl of your own to do it with, just perhaps don't share that with her - I think that's where obligation might come into it.

I don't think I understood at the time this was probably why my MIL wanted to do it, but since I've read your posts I'm so glad I did !

I hope you and your son have a lovely wedding day x

That would be lovely and then maybe have a nice lunch and glass of wine to get to know each other better.

I think you definitely should ask. Maybe invite her out and take her for lunch and shopping.

I really don't understand the people who can't grasp why people would do things with their MILs? They are part of your family though marriage, the person you love's family. Surely it's completely normal to spend time together? I think it would be absolutely awful to exclude them! Same with the 'she/I already have a mother', what's that got to do with anything? People don't try to become someone else's mum in real life, surely? Family gatherings must be quite awkward when couples only care about their own side.

(The above excludes toxic PILs, obviously).

@Golferlady I think it's a lovely idea. If she's too busy to spend a whole day shopping, why not ask her for lunch/afternoon tea then show her some outfits you like on your phone while you're there instead?

Do you ever spend time with her without your son?