Would you find it weird if your mil asked you this ?

[Golferlady]

Looking for honest opinions please as I really don’t want to be that MIL that makes things awkward.

My son is getting married next year and I was thinking about asking my future DIL to come with me to help me choose my outfit. If your MIL asked this, would you think it’s odd and feel uncomfortable about it ?

There’s a couple of reasons I was thinking about asking - the first is that I know my future DIL has been to buy her dress & understandably isn’t telling anyone anything about it and her mum also has her outfit now which she also wants to keep a surprise for the day. So I’m worried that I might inadvertently go for a similar style or colour. For example I love lace but I know that could be what DIL or her mum has gone for. So thinking she could steer me away if I’m straying into their territory.

The other reason is that I’ve not been included in any of the wedding planning which I am secretly a bit gutted about but absolutely haven’t let on to anyone. I thought this could be a way to feel a bit more part of it rather than just feeling like a guest.

Wibu to suggest it ?

Tribalism in brides? What nonsense. My MIL wasn’t involved in any of the planning I did, because why should she be? My mum came to try on wedding dresses with me because she was making my dress, we needed an idea of styles that worked and her opinion on how viable it was for her to make. She came to visit venues with us because she is my mum and I wanted her opinion because she know me and knows what would work for me, a third set of eyes was useful. I love my MIL dearly but at that point she didn’t know me very much at all. If my husband wanted her to be involved, he could have asked her. It has nothing to do with tribalism, it’s about relationships.

I think it depends on what sort of relationship you have with your future DIL. I didn't have a particularly good relationship with my late MIL and I would have hated it.

If you have a good relationship then it's lovely idea, but I would emphasise that she is marrying your son, you are not necessarily gaining a daughter.

Sounds like a lovely idea but I do shopping and lunch regularly with my mil anyway. The other option as someone previously said is to choose a couple of options and share them with dil to check there won’t be any clash. My mil had a red and blue option and my mum had already chosen blue so I guided her towards the red option.

It would be a lovely thing to ask your DIL providing:

1. the wedding isn’t imminent and she isn’t stressed doing last minute tasks
2. you haven’t been judgmental or unkind in the last few years

I expect she will be thrilled to be asked.

If it's just about clashing, you could just ask what colour the mother of the bride is wearing.

My MIL did this and it really wasn't an issue. They can tell you a bit about the colour/ fabric without sharing a photo.

If it's about wanting to spend some time with your DIL then you should ask her.

If he is happy to run with her vision, then so should you be. You must have known all along this would be the case if you have sons, and it won’t be the first (or the last) time this comes up. You can be as “secretly” disappointed as you like, but that fact you brought it up specifically related to this issue, would suggest it’s not quite so secret and the reason you want to do this is to have an experience similar to one you’d have had with a daughter.

Absent that part of it, and assuming she isn’t absolutely slammed for time whilst planning her wedding, then it’s a lovely thing to do.

Very rude she didn't invite you to the wedding dress try on. My mum made it clear from childhood you include the MIL to be on this.
You could ask your son and her if they have any guidelines-for example if bridesmaids are pink, they might not want any other top table women in pink, but really, they should have already told you.
There's nothing wrong in asking her, but everyone I know (and that's brides in the UK and elsewhere) tended to get together to arrange it. A lot of them got all the outfits/dresses at the same shop, not all obviously.

I would have been happy to be asked but I’d probably have come up with an excuse not to go if I’m honest. I vaguely remember seeing a pic of my MIL’s outfit to see if I was okay with it but I didn’t really have any views if I’m honest. Just a note on the planning, are you paying for any of the wedding? My parents paid for a lot of things and therefore were involved in the discussions. My in-laws didn’t pay anything (which was fine!!) but it meant that we didn’t feel like we had to include them in anything.

The clashing is one reason but mainly it is to have some time with future DIL related to the wedding.

I think its a lovely idea, not weird at all. X

I would have been thrilled to have a girly shopping day with my mother in law. Geography made it difficult otherwise we would have done this.
10 years into marriage and I still adore her, she is our absolute rock and an amazing granny too.
Not everyone hates their mils!
Ask her, but yes make it 'if you have time it would be lovely' in case she is feeling overwhelmed with things to do, and take her out for lunch if you can afford to, or a nice coffee and cake.

This is my worry tbh that she won’t really want to do it and then it will be uncomfortable for her.

We have made the same contribution as her parents, so between us it should cover most of the wedding

Not to minimise your feelings but I got married 4 years ago and my mum wasn’t involved in the planning at all, ruined my dress shopping and generally just made it all about her. So not all daughters are out here living their best wedding life with their mum!

Personally if you had her number I’d text MIL and ask what colour she’s wearing, and go get your own dress. If you want to bond with your DIL ask her for lunch and chat about the wedding etc. I’d have found it odd to be asked to go shopping with my MIL I had enough to do with my wedding!

Definitely wouldn’t have happened with my MIL (her choice) but I think it’s a lovely idea!

I think it’s lovely. Go for a nice lunch or Afternoon Tea too.

Or maybe she genuinely likes you. I loved my MIL
It would have been lovely if she'd asked me to pick her outfit with her, a shopping trip is not the sort of thing we would normally have done together so it would have been a little weird in the sense of being unusual but definitely not in the realms of "oh my god why are you asking me!"

My MIL asked me and I was very pleased to help. We made a day of it and had lunch too.

I didn’t take her to buy my dress but I did ask her along to a fitting as so she could have the experience as she doesn’t have a DD herself.

Of course it should absolutely be all about DIL’s vision & I definitely wasn’t expecting to be dictating ideas or anything like that but it would have been lovely to have been asked along to a venue viewing for example.

As per my OP I would like an excuse to feel a bit part of the wedding build up and this seems like a good way without treading on her mum’s toes.

And yes I did know having sons would mean I didn’t get to be included in things like this & it was always a sadness for me so thanks for sticking the boot in!!

If you get on well with your future DIL, I think it's a lovely idea.
Would you meet for lunch with her? Then go shopping?

I think it's a good idea. Your future dil.can steer you away from picking anything to similar to her own Mum's outfit. I asked my Mil to come with me to choose my wedding dress because she didn't have any daughters of her own and she cried she was so happy to be included.

I would have involved my mil more but my dm wanted to be the centre of attention and could be a bit ‘unpredictable’. I couldn’t say to my mil my mum can be a diva sorry. Sometimes things are a bit more complicated. Thinking about it, I’d say it like that now but at the time it felt more complicated.

Despise with good reason !
Mil issues on here seem to be about similar mils who are still jealous over their 30 year old married with children "baby boys " who are pushy ,never ask ,judgemental and trample over boundaries.
Yours goes on holiday with you so I'm sure you are non of those things !

Def ask her I think it's very sweet.

I think this is a lovely idea and you sound like a lovely MIL. I hope your DIL takes you up on the offer.

Why don't you give her the choice? It's a lovely gesture, but if you are worried of awkwardness, just ask?

I would love your opinion, I know you are busy, but would you like to come outfit shopping with me, or if you prefer, I could send a couple of pics of my shortlist , so you can tell me if anything clashes, or you are happy with all of them?

So either you can go shopping and have lunch/ afternoon tea, or you still ask for her opinion.

It's a big ask to have someone giving up an entire day to go shopping if she's generally busy, but it's up to her.