Would you find it weird if your mil asked you this ?

[Golferlady]

Looking for honest opinions please as I really don’t want to be that MIL that makes things awkward.

My son is getting married next year and I was thinking about asking my future DIL to come with me to help me choose my outfit. If your MIL asked this, would you think it’s odd and feel uncomfortable about it ?

There’s a couple of reasons I was thinking about asking - the first is that I know my future DIL has been to buy her dress & understandably isn’t telling anyone anything about it and her mum also has her outfit now which she also wants to keep a surprise for the day. So I’m worried that I might inadvertently go for a similar style or colour. For example I love lace but I know that could be what DIL or her mum has gone for. So thinking she could steer me away if I’m straying into their territory.

The other reason is that I’ve not been included in any of the wedding planning which I am secretly a bit gutted about but absolutely haven’t let on to anyone. I thought this could be a way to feel a bit more part of it rather than just feeling like a guest.

Wibu to suggest it ?

I think that's a very thoughtful idea. During my first conversation with my mil she asked me if my pubes had gone grey yet. Now that's overstepping!

I think it would be nice and an hour isn’t too much to ask. I’d be casual about the lunch invite and give her an easy out though.

I think it’s a lovely idea and you sound like a very kind, generous and thoughtful MIL. It’s sad you feel you are missing out by not having daughters and I would hope if your future DIL knew you felt like this, she would be happy to include you more in the planning. I am not at all close to my MIL but I did invite her to a venue viewing (she declined) and to help choose the flowers (also declined). Your DIL is lucky to have you and that’s before even mentioning the financial contribution! Suggest it and hopefully she will be happy to make a day of it and go for lunch, rather than ‘wasting time on you’ or seeing it as ‘duty and obligation’ (such unkind phrases and a sad way to view the world!)

I couldn't think of anything worse than going shopping for an outfit with my mother in law, unless you get on and like spending time together I'm not sure why your son's fiancé would jump at the the chance to watch you try on outfits? I can't stand my mother-in-law though, maybe if I liked her I would have helped/she would have asked? I went with my mum and sister when my mum picked her outfit for both mine and my sister's weddings though, we had a lovely time and lunch out afterwards.

This. Plus it shows that you value her opinion and might bring you closer.
I wouldn't have expected her to invite you to the dress fitting or reveal what her mum is wearing as that's standard.
I'd have been flattered.

Lovely idea, you should definitely ask her and as others said have lunch and maybe a glass of fizz. It’s a shame that you haven’t been involved in viewing venues etc I would hope when the time comes I and in laws will be equally involved in the planning stages. I have always told my daughters that they should invite future MIL in choosing their dress - god help her DD1 is a nightmare shopper!
Would you invite anyone else too - sister/trusted friend - Future DIL maybe not be comfortable to be as honest as you’d like
Hope you all have a lovely day

I'd sort of expect the DIL to just suck it up whether she does or doesn't want to tbh: Op is paying for half of her "special day"

I think this is so beautiful.

Your future Daughter in Law is so lucky.

💕

OP I think it's a wonderful idea and you sound very lovely. I'm sorry you feel left out of wedding plans so far. I hope you and your DIL do get to go outfit shopping and have a lovely day out together with lunch etc. Maybe even a visit to a nice florist nearby

My MIL sadly passed away last year but we were very close and I would have been more than happy to go out for lunch and help her choose an outfit. I think when people are planning their wedding it gets intense, I’m sure they just haven’t realised they haven’t included you or realised you’re feeling sad about it. Are you invited to a hen celebration?

Neither of mine are married, but if DS was to marry his current GF I definitely would ask if she’d be interested in coming along. I think she’d be delighted

My mother in law asked me to go with her to find a hat for our wedding and I was flattered to be asked. We had a nice day out with lunch. Looking back I wonder whether she felt out of things. I think you can be a bit thoughtless when young and wrapped up in what you want. I am a mum of daughters and if it’s any comfort they all had their ‘visions’ for their weddings and knew what they wanted without much input from me. Do ask your daughter in law. The fact that she holidays with you suggests that you have a good relationship.

My son and DIL wouldn't tell me anything, not out of any malicious reason but kept their cards close to their chest as it was all a big secret.

I had to speak to DS and explain all I wanted to know was colour of bridesmaid dresses so I didn't rock up with a big clash but they still refused.

It really restricted what outfit I bought as I ended up super neutral as I really was terrified of ruining all the photos.

So, definitely worth asking DIL to come with you or at worst, let you know what the colour theme is.

I think it would be nice to ask her, and go for a nice lunch somewhere afterwards. You can ask her about the wedding and I'm sure she will enjoy the extra build up to the wedding. I understand you are upset OP. And your allowed to be. Like you said you haven't voiced your upset to them. When I married dh, MIL came to the second dressing fitting as she was making my veil. We went to a wedding fayre, me, dh, with both sets of parents, same for the mens suits, along with our siblings. Once myself and dh had chosen then venue, we all went to look at it together. His mum came when we chose the flowers. In fact dh and his step dad went to sort the cars on their, so I didn't know what we were having until the day. I only have sons too, and I really hope I would be included in wedding planning if they decided to get married.

I would never choose to do anything with someone who was there “because they had to suck it up”. In my world, me paying for half the wedding wouldn’t mean I’d actually bought half the bride.

Your world sounds weird if its a place where people are buyable.

In my world, if a family member gifted me a large sum of money, I would consider spending the afternoon with them the least I could do by way of thanks

@Golferlady I think you sound absolutely lovely. I'm sure your future DIL would be glad to accompany you to look at outfits. It might be a nice opportunity to ask about things like her flowers and just generally enjoy her excitement about the wedding.

I struggle with my own MIL as she was completely unenthusiastic about my engagement to her son, as apparently we should have taken her out to lunch to tell her, then cried that she "didn't get to make any decisions". My own mum didn't either😀
I have a son and I think my own experience has been a learning opportunity for me!

I think you’re projecting here. I didn’t even invite my mother (of whom I am very fond) to my wedding! Not all mother-daughter relationships are some kind of wedding-shopping-focused rosy-hued paradise.

I think it’s a good idea - when you’re inviting DIL maybe phrase it as you’re going to this specific shop, they offer hour long slots, you hoped she could come help you choose a dress as you want to make sure you’re fitting in with her chosen colours/style, and then perhaps you could take her out to a nearby coffee shop/bar for a drink to celebrate the upcoming wedding? Like make it a slightly special occasion, make clear you’re supportive of whatever she wants for the wedding.

I only have sons as well so understand totally where you’re coming from!

I think it's a lovely idea OP. I would defo put it forward in a no pressure message. Lunch or afternoon tea obviously included 😀

I would have enjoyed this with a MIL I had a nice relationship with. Unfortunately mine wasn't speaking to me at the time of our wedding. We are fine now but I will never forget how she made me feel.

I think it's a bit strange MOB is keeping her outfit under wraps !

I think it’s a lovely idea. When we got married dh and I planned it together Pil came to one wedding venue and also to the venue we picked. Tbh neither set of parents were particularly involved in finer details although we did share colours/plans with them. Mil and her mum cam up to the room to see me on the day which was lovely. And mil came on hen do.
its a shame she hasn’t included you in her hen do (assuming her mum is going)
it could be a way to be a bit more involved

Great idea. I ended up returning my dress for Ds's wedding, I asked DIL to look at it and it was pretty much the same dress as her mother, So I went with another one I liked.
I also wasn't included in any plans. Dil tied to include me and other female relatives by having a ladies lunch, so we could meet and chat together, both families. It was lovely.

I think this is a lovely idea!

You could have a nice lunch together before or after and find out more about their plans, etc.
She have have misinterpreted your respectful boundaries as disinterest, so it would be a helpful opportunity to reframe that too.

YANBU, if you’re not a ditherer and a bliberer.

Who is paying for the wedding?

Ask her 🥰 I’d have loved if my MIL had but she didn’t, she was quite happy herself, infact neither did my mum!