Would you find it weird if your mil asked you this ?

[Golferlady]

Looking for honest opinions please as I really don’t want to be that MIL that makes things awkward.

My son is getting married next year and I was thinking about asking my future DIL to come with me to help me choose my outfit. If your MIL asked this, would you think it’s odd and feel uncomfortable about it ?

There’s a couple of reasons I was thinking about asking - the first is that I know my future DIL has been to buy her dress & understandably isn’t telling anyone anything about it and her mum also has her outfit now which she also wants to keep a surprise for the day. So I’m worried that I might inadvertently go for a similar style or colour. For example I love lace but I know that could be what DIL or her mum has gone for. So thinking she could steer me away if I’m straying into their territory.

The other reason is that I’ve not been included in any of the wedding planning which I am secretly a bit gutted about but absolutely haven’t let on to anyone. I thought this could be a way to feel a bit more part of it rather than just feeling like a guest.

Wibu to suggest it ?

@nomas we have contributed an equal amount to her parents which has pretty much covered the wedding

Have your son and DIL shown their appreciation for this?

I know money shouldn't come with expectations but both son and DIL should treat both sets of parents equally.

I went with my MIL and my mum to get their outfits. We all had a nice day out together. We actually didn’t manage to get to the shops though because we planned boozy brunch first and it ended up being too much boozy and not enough brunch. On the second attempt we did manage to get both of them nice outfits, though we were under strict instructions for DH and FIL to not touch a drop of alcohol until after we had made the purchase.

Do it, and make a fun day of it. No boozy brunch first though! Learn from our mistakes.

If you get along then it’s a lovely idea!
Write her a text or letter if that feels appropriate.
Tell her that you’d really love to spend an afternoon together before the wedding and think she has wonderful taste, so would appreciate her opinion on a few dresses that you like.
take her for a glass of champagne afterwards.
Good Luck xx

It sounds as though you all get on, and you sound very self aware and mindful so it sounds like you'd be aware if there were any background issues.
Would it be worth having a chat with your son? Say although you appreciate it's all under control, you actually want to help in some way as you like helping and having a wedding in the family is such a lovely event.
It does seem a bit of an oversight that you haven't been included in any way.
That's just manners tbh.

It's a lovely idea. You are her future MIL and it would be a lovely way to nurture a good relationship between the two of you. Lunch at a place of her choosing would also be a thoughtful gesture, but only if you could afford it. Perhaps coffee and cake if not.

"but mainly it is to have some time with future DIL related to the wedding."

This is a lovely idea. It's somewhat tricky to know how to include the MOG, but I like this. Add lunch and it'd be perfect.

When DD1 got married, we thought his mother might like to help with the (very simple) table decorations. She said "No. I'll leave that to you." She only wanted to be there for the wedding, and that was okay.

When it came to DD2's wedding, MOG liked to touch base frequently. She and her sister hosted a really nice bridal shower; she's always loved my daughter. DD2 asked me if it would be okay to invite his mother and his aunt to look at bridal gowns with us. Both only have sons and she'd realized that wedding dress shopping with a daughter was something they wouldn't experience. Of course, I said "yes" and it really seemed to make them both happy. Lunch afterward, and it was such a thoughtful way to include his mother in the wedding plans.

That was kind of your daughter but ….. I wouldn’t have invited anyone to look at bridal gowns with me except my mother. To me that was as much a mother- daughter special time as walking down the aisle is for father - daughter. It wasn’t out of any disregard of my husband’s family. It would have been unusual in my country and friendship group for anyone else to attend the appointment.

I also trusted my mother’s taste and complete devotion to ensuring I looked my best above all others and wouldn’t have welcomed other opinions.

I did invite my MIL to my husband’s niece - her little granddaughter’s flower girl dress appointment and would gladly have accompanied her to her own dress picking if she’d been so inclined.

I think this is lovely. And the fact you care so much about how your DIL feels is very heartwarming. You are not unreasonable to feel a bit sad about being left out of the planning and you’ve thought of a lovely way to work around it instead of making it into a big deal and upsetting DIL - you sound like a great MIL ☺️

My MiL recently asked asked me for my opinion on three dresses she was considering for my niece’s (her granddaughter’s) wedding. She’s in her 80s and wanted to look stylish and not too old ladyish. I appreciated being asked and we had several lovely conversations about outfits and hats in the next few weeks. When we got to the wedding, I made sure she was always kept company and didn’t miss anything while her daughter was busy with all the mother-of-the-bride duties.
Point is, do it - it’s a lovely way to bond with your future daughter in law and if she’s as nice a she sounds, I'm sure she will accept.

You sound like a really nice and thoughtful MIL. I think your suggestion is a great way of feeling more involved without making her feel guilty or making it about you. Good idea.

Sounds really nice to me. One of my colleagues turned up to her son’s wedding in the same outfit as her daughter in law’s mother so a good idea.

I think it’s a lovely idea. If you can throw in lunch even better

I understand that. We had that moment without meaning to.
She, her sister and I had planned to go to a wedding show and then "just peek* at some dresses. DD1 ended up with flu, so it was just DD2 and me. After the wedding show, she asked to stop by a new shop "just to look. I promise, I won't pick a dress until DD1 can go, too."

So we did, and the very first dress she tried on was THE dress. Everyone in the store caught their breath when they saw her- it was almost magical. Secret #1

We swore we wouldn't tell and would pretend we hadn't seen it yet when her sister came along. When DD1 saw her in the gown, she fell in love on the spot. Teary eyes from all 3 of us. Secret #2.

Then we went a third time, this one including my mother and his mother and aunt. DD2 tried on 4 or 5 gowns they liked, including the one she loved. It got the same reaction again, so she finally said "Yes" to the dress.

Sneaky? Yes. But fun, too. DD2 and I had that first secret moment together. Then we also have a secret between both girls and me, which is a sweet memory, too. We've never told anyone else, so the secret-within-a-secret is still ours. 😍