Would you find it weird if your mil asked you this ?

[Golferlady]

Looking for honest opinions please as I really don’t want to be that MIL that makes things awkward.

My son is getting married next year and I was thinking about asking my future DIL to come with me to help me choose my outfit. If your MIL asked this, would you think it’s odd and feel uncomfortable about it ?

There’s a couple of reasons I was thinking about asking - the first is that I know my future DIL has been to buy her dress & understandably isn’t telling anyone anything about it and her mum also has her outfit now which she also wants to keep a surprise for the day. So I’m worried that I might inadvertently go for a similar style or colour. For example I love lace but I know that could be what DIL or her mum has gone for. So thinking she could steer me away if I’m straying into their territory.

The other reason is that I’ve not been included in any of the wedding planning which I am secretly a bit gutted about but absolutely haven’t let on to anyone. I thought this could be a way to feel a bit more part of it rather than just feeling like a guest.

Wibu to suggest it ?

This is a lovely gesture and fully respectful towards your DIL. Especially if you reiterate you value her opinion and don’t want to make a faux pas.

Sounds a really good idea to me.

what a weird comment, she’s bringing it up here anonymously specifically as to not upset her DIL.

I can totally see where you're coming from OP. I was conscious of that when planning my wedding (albeit 20 odd years ago) and made an effort to involve and include my now MIL whenever I could. I think what you're suggesting is a lovely idea and can't think why your future DIL would have any issue with it. You could make it a lovely day out with a spot of lunch and a glass of bubbly afterwards! That's what I'd do! I hope she accepts, that you both have a lovely time and that you find an outfit you love.

I like my mother in law but i wouldn’t have liked this, sorry. First of all I don’t really enjoy shopping with others, then I would have been really uncomfortable about giving opinions on her appearance. I would have bee happy to be invited to lunch and just be asked what colour my mum/ the bridesmaids were wearing.

I took my mum and mil shopping for their outfits for my wedding, they both loved it

I think it’s a nice idea. You could ask if she fancies lunch too.
I've daughters and sons and I was surprised at how much I appreciated being asked to be a little involved in the wedding plans. I’m usually very laid back about that type of thing and don’t think I’d have noticed if I hadn’t been asked but once I was I appreciated it. So I understand your disappointment in not being asked. Both my DILs are really nice so that helps a lot. I’d have felt comfortable asking them to come with me to try on dresses.
I’m close to my daughters so I have to be mindful to include my DILs.

I went with my mother in law to get her dress, we had a lovely day and got some lunch.

Have you.any dds or close female family? If not that might be a way to introduce it."oh I'd love it if you would like to come, it would be lovely to get your input."
I hope she says yes.

OP doesn’t have to keep it secret from us that she feels a bit upset. That doesn’t mean she’s given anything away to her DIL or her DS.

OP, if I were you, I’d either ask via text or I’d ask DS to ask so she’s less put on the spot. That way, if she doesn’t really want to she’ll come up with an excuse and it won’t be so awkward. If she declines, just choose something nice and if it clashes somehow that’s their fault - they were given the option to help you choose.

I don’t think it’s unusual to want to be included in the planning somehow. Having said that, my DSis’s in-laws paid significantly more than my parents and neither were consulted about anything, they were simply informed by the couple what they had chosen. Which is maybe fair enough too? Gifts shouldn’t have strings attached.

Anyway, I think it’s a nice idea and a bonding/welcoming gesture as well as giving her a chance to steer your outfit towards her vision, so what have you got to lose?

But do you habitually spend time alone together voluntarily, and enjoy it? That’s the key question here.

I think it's a lovely idea.

I would think it was lovely x

First.. I am absolutely not sticking the boot in..

I think it would be odd for you to ask your son's fiancé to come shopping for your outfit.

I think all you can do is ask for colours to avoid or if there is a style that might be appropriate. You could invite her mother for lunch to get to know her a bit.. invite his parents to dinner, with DS and future DDil, have a lighthearted chat with DS and DDil offering to help with any aspect of the wedding.. or speak to your son and see if you can be more involved with anything he is involved with.

DDil has chosen not to involved you in her dress shopping or to involve you in shopping for her mother's outfit. Maybe she does not consider this something that is required. I didn't. MIL and I have a good relationship... I think she told DH that she would like to do something so she made the favour bags. For BILLS wedding, she made the cravats for all men in the wedding party. She did also tell me about her outfit and colour and I said. . That sounds lovely. Maybe she wanted more from me and it went over my head. I had one bridesmaid who wore cream, we had white flowers and mostly black and white photos. I have no idea what colour my Mum wore but we did pass that information between them so they were both comfortable.

It will be very clear that this is an attempt to get your DDil to behave in a way that she has not chosen when it is your DS that you are related to. Find a way to reframe all of this for yourself. Find joy is sharing this journey with your DS in the way that he is capable or willing to share this with you and celebrate that your son and his future wife like coming on holiday with you. Build on what is already there rather than trying to force behaviours that have not naturally evolved.

Not unreasonable at all. My MIL and my mum aren't really into clothes or fashion or getting dressed up but it was still important to them that they both looked lovely and wore something that worked well with the other's outfit. The biggest challenge was with one of my siblings as the other mother was very glam and my mum got really worried about looking dowdy in comparison. They both looked great on the day.

I also think it's OK to say you'd love to know more about the plans and offer to help with anything they need some ideas or support with. My mum's really crafty and creative and is a big baker so helped out in lots of different ways but we made sure my MIL was able to contribute to a different element of the day and played a role.

As long as it's all in the spirit of supporting the couple it's grand. Is there anything that your son's planning for the day that you can help with?

It's really about whether the DIL herself feels comfortable.
If you're quite close, and/or she's into shopping, fashion etc then it sounds like a lovely idea.

The worst she can do is politely decline. Some people might not find that a fun activity so don't be offended if she does say no.

But I can't imagine anyone thinking anything bad of you asking her? But if there are people who might feel left out you've no need to tell them you're doing it with her.

I think it is a lovely idea. Message her so that she isn't put on the spot.

I didn't really know my MIL very well when I got married. We lived quite a distance away from them. She was told what my Mum was wearing and where it was from. She also knew my Mum was not a hat person or fascinator person but that didn't dictate that she couldn't wear one I just wanted to give her a heads up. My MIL actually hired a personal shopper to help her find her outfit and she looked amazing. Similar level of dressy.

I do feel that when you run ideas past people it just gives them an opportunity to be negative about it so sometimes it is easier to involve less people. My PIL had a vision in their head of what their son's wedding would like like and to be honest it was not what we wanted nor was I their choice of bride (still together 30 years later) so any wedding thing we said was met with oh no why are you not doing X,Y,Z? Luckily my parents were very supportive of our wedding and PIL got the big traditional white merginge dress wedding for their DD a few years later.

I wasn't involved in either of my sons weddings. 🥺 Like you I never said a word. My first dil helped me choose my outfit. Second one wasn't really interested. Both are lovely girls and I live them both dearly. Do ask her, its a lovely day to have together ❤️

Maybe you can ask her more as a way of spending a day together - offer to take her out for lunch and go shopping for your outfit. Then there's less emphasis on the shopping, and more as a nice way of spending time together and treating her before the wedding.

Gosh if I’d paid for half the wedding I’d expect to be included in some way, it’s very rude for them not to be including you. In what other capacity would you give a couple thousands of pounds and have no knowledge of what’s going on. I’m not having a go at your DIL by the way, your son should be making sure you’re included!

The same thing happened to my sister when her son got married. She was so upset, didn’t have any details at all. I told her to ask her son but he didn’t know either and couldn’t be bothered to find out!

Absolutely ask her!!!! It would make her day i am sure.

My mil lives over 450 miles away so she couldn't come dress shopping with me and I couldnt go with her, but we did spend ages WhatsApp messaging pictures and links and my friend took videos when we went dress shopping and we sent them and got hers and sil's opinion on all choices.

Our relationship had sadly declined due to the death of my stepson when he was 16 and their subsequent treatment of my dh but I don't regret the fun we had shopping. I hope we can make it back to that someday

I would have loved that.

My MIL did this and we had a lovely day! I’d say go for it.

Some of these comments are very stereotypical particularly the one where having sons means she wouldn't be involved! That is rubbish! I think as you have paid the same as her parents have you should have been included in some of the planning if only to ask your opinion - it is your son's wedding after all! My PIL contributed to my wedding as did my Mother (Father dead) but I didn't involve them in any decision making which they were all happy with. I did take my mother wedding dress trying on once I had decided what I wanted and also when getting the bridesmaid dresses but that was because they were my nieces and young. I think it all depends on the person. She might have a vision but surely your son has some interest and should have included you if only to ask your opinion - I think that is really wrong!

It seems to be the other way around to me - most mils loathe their dils, and are therefore only uncomfortably tolerated.