AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

She sounds obnoxious about this. Have you categorically told her that you’re not going to have kids and she needs to stop mentioning it?

I don’t think you were harsh enough, clearly.

i think you’re going to have to hang up or end the visit every time she mentions it.

YANBU.

Are all the nieces & nephews on your partner’s side? I knew my parents wanted grandchildren so I was glad my brother took care of that. I hope that if I’d been an only they wouldn’t have pressured me though.

Some parents on here say their life had no meaning before they had kids - it sounds like your mother might feel the same way. If you do blow up at her she can only blame herself.

Do you not have siblings with kids? You mention nieces and nephews but I assume that’s on your DH’s side. If so, your mum is probably mourning the fact she will never be a grandmother. She’s entitled to be upset about this, but not entitled to keep making remarks to you and you were right to tell her to stop. If she brings it up again, I would probably say something along the lines of ‘mum, I’m sorry you’ll never be a grandma but I will NOT be having children. There is not one tiny ounce of ‘maybe’ here so please stop making comments. I am happy as I am.’

She has no right to keep on asking you, I have children but I don’t think people who choose not to have children will have some kind of empty life, that notion is ridiculous.

You are not selfish, selfish would be having a child you don’t wan’t to please your mother.

Enjoy your wedding and congratulations!

She is totally out of order. My DD1 and her partner have no desire to have children. I totally respect this as it is their life not mine. I have never even asked DD2 about children and she has never brought it up. It is none of my business.

"Well then what's the point of life?" That has shocked me

Why would it shock you though @TwinklySeal?
You are a scientist, your education has been informed that the fundamental, driving force behind evolution and natural selection is the continuation of a species by passing on our genetic information.

HOWEVER, everyone has a choice and your choice is as equally valid as hers was.

She should respect your choice to live your life the way you want and she should celebrate the fact that you lead a fulfilled and happy life.

She needs to keep her own counsel and her criticisms to herself.

Mine did similar until I asked if she basically wanted to know when me and my Dh were having sex. I told her it was way too personal and none of her business. You’ve been clear with her and she’s still going on about it, it’s just rude.

Tell her you’re waiting for her pregnancy announcement so you can both go through it together?

You are obviously not unreasonable.
Having or not having children are equally selfish tbh. Rarely are people making these decisions with anything else in mind, it’s your life you’re allowed to be selfish in whichever way you choose.

You’ll have to be firmer with your mum. When babies are mentioned just shut it down straight away “that won’t be us” etc.

"Do you want grandchildren or do you want me to explain to your friends exactly why you weren't invited to your daughter's wedding?"

I think you should be more frank with her and tell her straight that it’s not something either of you want so that hopefully you don’t have to keep having this conversation. It’s unfair of her to keep bringing it up and you shouldn’t be put in this position but it sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise and you want to move forward from this constant nagging for grandchildren. Do you think she might think that you can’t have them or that there’s a fertility issue rather than you don’t actually want to have them?

I am someone who shares the same opinion as your mum, when I was struggling to conceive I very much thought what is the point if I can’t have children but that is my opinion, and I completely appreciate that others don’t and won’t have the same opinion. My brother and his partner have never had children and it’s never been discussed, it’s their private life and their choice. She can have that opinion but she absolutely shouldn’t be forcing it upon you and questioning your life choices

I had the exact opposite. Partner and I met when we were early 20’s and lived together ever since. We were sure we didn’t want children but when I got 40 I changed my mind and thought it might be nice to have 1 as a new adventure as we’d done most of what we wanted to do over the previous 2 decades.

I eventually got pregnant at 43 and the reaction from parents and PIL wasn’t unbridled joy and happiness for us, instead it was a unanimous “what have you done that for?”.

Similar to you I made it clear it was none of their business what we did but it did sour relationships a bit because we had clearly disrupted their plans and vision for the future.

YANBU

You need to be firmer. If she still brings it up, then leave wherever you are, put the phone down, stop messaging or doing whatever you are doing to end the conversation. If it continues despite being harsher, tell her you are not having children, and if she doesn’t stop, then she won’t have a daughter in her life.
I would distance myself from her if she doesn’t stop as it shows a lack of respect for your choices. You can’t want to be around someone that thinks your life is pointless. She sounds horrible.

Personally I would just smile and keep saying that we aren't planning on having them..

At the risk of being accused of being agist... As people get older they get stuck in their ideas.. and saying or asking the same thing again and again is something that is increasingly common the older a person becomes.

I could predict the 2-4 questions and lines of conversation that my elderly relatives and in-laws will bring up, every time I visit.. and I would be spot on each time.

But so what? All I would understand from it is not that you mum thinks your life is meaningless...but for her, having kids have her purpose (maybe her only purpose) and she doesn't really have the ability to see outside of her own frame of mind enough to imagine you not having the same feeling of purpose associated with raising children. That is not a negative judgement though.

Smiling along and not rising to arguments goes a long way to keeping relationships with parents and older relatives strong...

As a scientist she will also be aware that humans have evolved to the point we no longer reproduce instinctively, are not receptive to any old male when ovulating and that it is a choice.

The world would be a much better place if everybody was as honest as you. Children are not mandatory. Why ruining everybody's life because of some odd "pressure".

Be honest with your mum and ask her to stop banging on about kids that will never come.

If anyone is every saying you are missing out on life because you don't have children, they are projecting and trying to justify their bad choices and hide their misery. Happy people are not judgemental.

She sounds absolutely batshit.

Tell her you will walk out the door any time it is mentioned. I can’t imagine why she’s this selfish.

I would tell her if she keeps mithering on at you about something you’ve expressed mutiple times your not interested in, you’ll uninvite her from your wedding.

I think she should drop it but equally understand why she might feel upset about the idea of no grandchildren from her daughter. It’s your choice and she should stop harassing you but she’s also allowed to be quietly or privately upset (or possibly even devastated for some people?) that she won’t be a grandmother from her daughter. I was very against children but then changed my mind as I got older. My DC and my sisters children have brought significant joy to my parents, and they are active grandparents, I can see how they’d have been upset if neither of us had kids. Are the nieces nephews all on your DPs side?

I think there are many women who define themselves by their dc and take great joy from it. They then want that for other women. It’s a fairly straightforward attitude and very common. They haven’t experienced life without Dc any more than you have experienced life with dc. It’s just both your experiences and views are different but hers are still the norm for her age group. I assume you want the money, career and prestige more and that’s fair enough.

What job did your mum have? Many women didn’t have glittering careers 40 years ago and have dc. They often had to choose career or dc at a fairly young age. Many women did not have a great choice of career either!

You might be shocked at what she thinks but have you told her about your abortion? It’s an issue for society that many well paid couples are not having dc and prioritise other things. It’s quite a big issue already and it will get worse as we will need to import talent.

As a doctor who doesn’t feel remotely ‘culty’ and who has a wide group of non-medic friends as well as medics, why was this detail about your cohort, playing hockey at medical school etc relevant? Just curious!

And your mum def needs to back off. How incredibly irritating. She should be overjoyed that you are living the life you want.

She is of course being unreasonable, and hypocritical to be annoyed at you for being harsh after suggesting your life (which with a committed relationship, good friends, an interesting career and hobbies/interests sounds brilliant and very rich) is 'without meaning!'

However the only thing I would say is I perhaps would not have sent that photo. Presuming your conversation with her was fairly recently, then sending a cute baby photo could have muddied the waters for her - to me of course it makes sense that just because you're holding a friend's baby (presumably with a "awww she's so lovely" type accompanying message) it doesn't mean you want your own, but to her it could be a "see she clearly does love kids why cant she see she would make a great mother" type of thing.

Even if not, if she is mourning not ever being a grandmother, seeing the photo and knowing that her close friend is getting what she wants more than anything probably did feel like salt in the wound.

I assume you want the money, career and prestige more and that’s fair enough.

Or maybe she just doesn’t want children.