AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

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My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

Tell her that her comments on your life choices make you want to see her less.
If she continues, then follow through.

Two senior medical careers in a house requires a lot of support with children.
Yanbu.

It’s none of your mum’s business but why send her the photo? That was clumsy.

Just make sure you are on the same page with your DH about it. Or better still, make sure YOU are sure about it. My friend and her DH were on the same page right until they were both in their mid 40s, and then he decided that after all, he would like to have a child, by which time she could not conceive and he went on to have children with a much younger woman. Nothing to do with your mother, everything to do with you.

“Children deserve parents who want them desperately

You are right OP and if you and your DP don’t want children you are absolutely right not to have them

Regarding your Mum’s “what is the point of life” comment. Perhaps reframe this as a compliment and a sign of what a critical part of her life you and your siblings have been. She loves you so much she can’t imagine any other kind of life.

Having children has been a source of joy in my life and having had them it’s hard to imagine a happy life without them. But that’s my life.

My lovely friend doesn't want children, has a wonderful full life and can’t imagine a version of her life that would have a place for them and still be wonderful. Horses for courses.

You don’t say if your Mum is already a grandmother, I’d take a different approach depending on the answer.

If she already has grandchildren then her feelings are really about you validating what she thinks are the “correct” way to live your life. I’d shut that down very firmly.

If she doesn’t have grandchildren I’d be gentler.

She still doesn't get to criticise your choices but if she sees all her friends’ relationships with grandchildren and is sad she won’t get to experience that I’d have a bit more sympathy . It must be frustrating to want something you have no control over. In this situation the photo of you holding a baby was probably quite upsetting to her.

Either way, she doesn’t get to choose for you, either way she needs to be told to drop the subject.

Tell her that if she wants a relationship with you she needs to shut her trap about this. Two can play at the emotional blackmail game. Also your life has an immense amount of meaning and as a doctor you will be contributing far more to society than the average person. Guessing maybe your mum didn’t have a career and can’t see any meaning beyond getting married and reproducing.

My DD and her DH are adamant that they will not have children (DD has been of that opinion since she was 13 and she's mid 30's now so, no, she won't be changing her mind). His mum was the same as yours OP, where every conversation turned back to "oh you'd make great parents, I'd love grandchildren" etc. It stopped when her son told her he'd had the snip (no idea if he has or not, none of my business). Maybe if all else fails tell her that your DP/H is booked in for one, she might get the message then.

My sister had her DC in her 40s and at one point (in her mid-30s) our mum asked her if she was a lesbian 🙄

She's dreadful, OP. You weren't harsh enough. She doesn't recognise any boundaries at all, clearly.

I'm in my 60s with no GC (yet). My own DC are well established in both careers and relationships and in their 30s. I have never asked any of them if they are intending to have children - I don't consider it my business. Presumably they will if they want to. Or they will confide in me that they are struggling to conceive if they want to. Or not.

She is hugely out of order. I don't expect my DC to run their lives to suit me.

Tell her you’ve had a hysterectomy

"Mum, this is making me dread seeing you. If it carries on, I might have to just start seeing you a lot less. Do you want to damage your relationship with your actual child over hypothetical grandchildren, who will never exist? Make your mind up".

Weird. My sister did medicine and felt incredibly alone because none of the medical students were very nice to her and they mocked her accent. She didn’t make a single friend in medicine.

Not the point but I just found it an interesting juxtaposition.

Anyway I’d have told your mum you’re infertile. That would shut her up. You shouldn’t have to but it’s the way for an easy life imo.

To my Mum, my only reason for existing was to provide her with GC.

It is one of many reasons we no longer speak.

YANBU at all. I’d probably say you’ve not been harsh enough.

Your mum is trying to guilt you into something you don't want! If she won't listen to the fact you have told her outright that you don't want them then she will just have to sulk. You can't control other people's actions, so don't try.

And for the record, life is for living, that's the whole point. Both of you working in medicine is actually far greater a contribution to society than having a kid too!

Enjoy your life. Stop letting her get to you.

YANBU. You and your partner sound a bit like me and my DP in outlook. We're very happy without children.
His mother (deceased now) used to desperately want us to get married and to have children. Cried when we told her we were moving away (we lived about an hour and a half from her and DP's dad and moved to more like 8 hours away).
The weirdest thing about it all being that she showed little interest in speaking to or interacting with the grandchildren she did have. Would ignore them at family gatherings, and exchange exasperated glances with DP's dad if any of them were loud or crying etc.
You can't run around trying to please other people. THAT is a waste of life!

Good for you being selfish, that's no bad thing. I sometimes think having children with the current state of the world is selfish.
I would tell her she's offending you with her attitude. Good for you building a lovely life with your partner. I have children who I love deeply but can fully understand people choosing not to have children.
Your wedding sounds perfect.

OP, you are very very reasonable! You know if you want a child and I very much concur with not having one if you don't for all the reasons you outline. It isn't selfish in any form. Your mum wants grandchildren and she isn't getting these from you. You shouldn't feel guilty about this. Does she have any grandchildren already? I do understand that it must be a similar feeling to wanting children and not having one with wanting a grandchild but it isn't in your gift to fix that. It doesn't sound like your life is lacking in meaning, but perhaps hers is? I think you need to be really clear that you will never provide a grandchild. She hasn't got the point. Is she like this generally?

I had that from my auntie. I'd been single for about 7 years, lots of shit boyfriends and was just 'done' with it all for a while and just concentrated on my career.
She patted me on my knee, made her voice go all soft and sympathetic while she asked. My brothers thought it was hillarious!

From the op
I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed
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Op your DM is rude to keep asking especially as you've told her the subject is closed.
I'd tell her the next time she mentions it you're walking out, and do it.
Yanbu

Please don’t get to angry with her. She’s probably mourning a life she expected to have. It’s frustrating she goes on about it but I suspect in the next year or 2 she’ll stop because the boat my likely to have sailed by then.

It is not selfish to not want to have kids! It's selfish to have kids with the expectation that they will live their lives the way you want them to, and to have someone to look after you when you're old.
Maybe tell your mother that you're sad for her that she has nothing else in her life.

My DD is never having DC. It is the end of my mitochondrial line. But I do not ask about having children and have never brought it up - I know they are not having DC because DD told me. Your DM should do the same - she has other GDC (as do I) presumably?

You’re right. Having kids is a selfish choice. My MIL who refused to offer any help in looking after our children was accepted because her reason was valid. She’d done her time and she didn’t want to look after any more kids. We stopped asking her to babysit when this was made apparent and I never thought or held it against her despite the reason for asking to babysit was for my 5yo didn’t have to spend every day watching my mom slowly die as I cared for her.

fast forward 16 years and she’s now fast becoming vulnerable and lonely and the expectation that I should drop everything and now care for her is unreal (hubbie works full time and her daughter and she are estranged) just because she’s my husbands mom. I’ve flat out refused to do it all. I’ll do bits & what I’m happy to do but no way can she hold that view then and expect me to drop everything to help her now

I should probably add that it's not even that my mum outright asks, "When are you having children?" anymore.

Instead, she asks intrusive questions about our sex life, which is obviously her way of trying to find out whether we're "trying". I always tell her it's none of her business because, frankly, it isn't. I'm nearly 40 years old and I don't think my mother needs to know what's going on in my bedroom.
I do love my mum and I know this is coming from a place of sadness rather than malice. I think she's really struggling to accept that I've chosen a different path. In her eyes, I've chosen my career over having children, whereas I see it as simply choosing the life that's right for me.

The irony isn't lost on me. She was the one who pushed me to work hard at school, celebrated when I got into medical school, and encouraged me every step of the way. She wanted me to have opportunities she never had, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. Now I sometimes wonder if she's disappointed by the very independent woman she helped raise because my life doesn't fit the "traditional" picture she imagined.
For what it's worth, I don't dislike children at all. Quite the opposite. I'm a paediatrician, so I spend every working day looking after children, talking to them and their families, and I genuinely love my job. I adore my nieces and nephews too.

But enjoying children and wanting to be a parent are two completely different things. I've never had that desire, and I don't think there's anything wrong with recognising that rather than having a child because other people think I should.

Maybe in my 60s I’ll regret not having children but I think that is better than bringing children into this world when I know I wouldn’t be a great mother and I do not have the capacity for motherhood. It’s a lifelong duty.

Tell your mum that your husband got the snip.

She'll stop going on about it then.

I very much feel for you. I wanted to kids, so that was fine, but I can absolute see my mother being exactly the same. She actually came out and told me once that she thought people who didn't have children were selfish. I had to pull her up on that one, but I doubt she has changed her mind. Is it a generational thing? I dunno. Anyway, generational or not, I don't think you were harsh enough with her.

There is no point to life. It's just life.