AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

She’s probably just ( wrongly)worried about you getting old with no kids or suddenly regretting it. She must be sharing all this nagging with your siblings too if there are four of you and no grandchildren? . As a parent we usually just want our kidsto be happy. I’d just laugh it off and change the subject , I understand her confusion if she’s had gour kids and ended up with no grandchildren …it’s just the way the cookie crumbles but I’d still give her some grace

My parents say that the greatest sadness of their lives is that one of their children actively chose not to have children (and they’ve had many an up and down). I don’t understand it, personally. They respect his right to choose, they understand the reasons why, they have never pressured him. But it makes them sad that he chose this in a way it wouldn’t have made them sad if this had just been circumstance, I think. They’re not especially ego-centric people so I don’t think they’re taking it personally, as in I don’t think they feel they’ve gone wrong anywhere in raising him to think this way (perhaps your mum does feel that way as none of her four children have chosen to procreate?). The closest I can get to guessing is that they feel he’s deliberately shut off a source of joy that he himself allowed them to experience. They understand intellectually that he may not find joy in the same things. But there’s definitely a whiff of feeling his life is ultimately futile, similar to the way your mum asked “well what’s the point of life then”. Evolution will do just fine without my brother or you having children, but I think what your mum and my parents are getting at is a more existential thing of “well what could have more point in life than having and raising whole new good people”.

To each their own. I don’t agree with that viewpoint but I do have children and can see the point they’re making. As for your mum, you need to ask her to stop upsetting you by bringing this up constantly and denigrating all the things you have already achieved in your life. My parents have literally never talked to my brother about this, it’s just something my mother talks to me about in her quiet moments.

There are four of you who haven't had kids? Do the others get the same from your mum? I'm wondering if there's a time that you age out of being pestered about this since you mentioned an older sibling.
In any case it sounds frustrating but I guess you just have to keep reinforcing it. Try to be firm but not angry. Easier said than done obviously but getting annoyed about it serves no one and she's likely to see any kind of emotion as a possible 'in'.

It's interesting how nobody is ever ever worried about someone having children and then regretting it. It's always concern that they will regret not having children. If they regret not having them, so what? The world isn't going to end if they do. Doesn't remotely justify this behaviour.

No you were not harsh. If she brings it up again I would tell her, for the final time, you are not having children and next time she brings it up she will be leaving. Then carry that threat out

@TwinklySeal - you are an adult, there is no need for a root cause analysis into why you don’t want children.
Plenty of independent, ambitious women have children.
If you wanted to, you could, too.
You don’t want children and that is perfectly fine. No need to justify it.
It is never selfish to decide not to have children (the implication is you are letting someone down by not having a child - the only people who’s opinion counts are potential the parents-to-be).

YADNBU in telling your mum to stop asking because it is not going to happen. Yes, she maybe disappointed but that is for her to deal with and not for you or your siblings to manage.

It’s a sad stare of affairs if two drs can’t afford to have a child🤔

I almost wish more people gave having children a lot more thought than they seem to do. Loads of threads on here where it appears that people hadn't thought about the enormity of the decision. I don't have them. Never once regretted it.

I admire people who don't feel pressured into having children. It's hard enough having children when you want for them and plan for them! Good for you. Your mother continuing to ask you, when you have made your position clear is totally unreasonable

The OP said she doesn't want them, not that she can't afford them.

I don’t think people should have children if they don’t want them. I also don’t think it’s true that no one is ever worried about someone regretting having a child.

She is very rude, no means no, why has she continued to do this without being told to mind her own business.
No one is owed anything from their children once they’re adults, certainly not grandchildren.

Money , career and prestige ? No she just doesn’t want kids. Some people don’t - shocker.

That would be extremely unkind.

A few have mentioned that maybe she’s sad at the life she envisioned. Why would she have envisioned a life through her children I find that very odd. She had 4 children none of us wanted to have children that has nothing to do with her. We don’t owe her children. She should have planned her life a bit better, my partner and I know that life will be boring when we retire that’s why we’ve made plans. We won’t have any offsprings and that’s how we’d like to keep it. My mother has the opportunity to do anything she likes, she sits there and does nothing all day when she can go travelling. She’s sitting on half a million pounds in various accounts let alone the price of her house. She is a very wealthy woman who can go out and see the world and do things. My father is always out and about goes travelling my mum doesn’t want to join so he goes on his own or with his friends who are widowed etc has a grand time. They have more money than they could spend, everything is paid for there in their late 60s early 70s they’re healthy. I’ve always told my mum to just go out and do things she refuses instead she wants grandchildren.

No, she’s been warned. I would absolutely uninvite her unless she stopped this.

Your mum is sad she hasn't got any grandchildren. I would be the same and I do feel sorry for her as being a grandparent must be lovely, I was very close to mine and hope to be the same with mine, (if my children have kids) but I would not nag at my child. You have clearly made your decision and that is absolutely your right to make and you are happy and content and that is what is most important. Your mum shouldn't keep making digs at you, it's not fair. She should be proud you are happy and enjoying your career and life.

People who don't have careers or money can also decide not to have children too

You’re right and no one should pressure anyone into those choices. I suppose you get it worse because on paper you’re probably was the most likely to have them. Liking. Children and caring for them as part of your job so maybe she worries you’re making the wrong decision. Id have a frank conversation on how it feels for her and explain that she’s never going to a grandparent to your kids and unlikely to be one to your siblings and does she needs some help to process this. Does she have siblings who are grandparents? Maybe she could try and get closer to theirs and be part of their lives

Your mum needs a serious talking to, a firm boundary to stop her persistant demands for grand kids, it is no wonder you want to reduce contact with her.

Create a boundary, it should reduce stress for you.

Your descision to remain child free has been a massive win win for both yourself and your partner and you are both happy and successful.

What mother would not want that?

The point of life is for each person to discover for themselves, in their own way and in their own time.............maybe this could be why we are all so unique.

I am in my 60s with 2 daughters and had always imagined I'd be a granny and this was something I'd looked forward to. However it become clear with time that neirher of my DDs want children. I feel a degree of disappointment and grief over this, which has been intensified by my older sister being unexpectedly about to have her first grandchild.

However the difference between me and your DM is that I have literally never brought up the subject of having kids with my DDs. It was basically none of my business and any sadness and disappointment I feel is not theirs to bear and I will never bring that up either. I chose my own life and so should my DDs. You don't owe your DM grandchildren, whatever she might think. I think you have been very reserved with her so far. At this point I think I'd be threatening not to see her unless she changes the record. Her behaviour is selfish, thoughtless and basically disrespectful.

So would I. Shes completely out of line.

But what the hell is medicines hockey? The mind boggles.

The fact that none of her children has chosen to have children may actually have something to do with her. My mother made it abundantly clear she expected grandchildren but she has none and we are all way too old now. At one point she tried to get my MIL on board with the grandchild demands and told MIL she would disinherit me if I did not produce the goods. MIL was appalled and told DH. My mother was very overbearing when we were young and also expected glowing academic and career achievements from us. She actually said more than once that having children is appalling drudgery, she hated it completely, and that her reward would be to have grandchildren!

I think you've been remarkably restrained in not telling her where to go before now. If she loves children so much why doesn't she become a foster carer.

Sometimes people just don’t want children not for the sake of having a prestige career. I work in the NHS I’m not in a ‘prestige’ career. I will not be a good mother, why should I subject an innocent child. Sometimes people can just not want things and that’s okay. None of my siblings have prestige careers maybe my older brother as he is a pilot but if he had children he knows he wouldn’t be a good father he would be absent a lot it’s not fair. They’re happy without children. My partner and I are happy without children. I chose to have an abortion because it’s my body and my choice no one needs to know the ins and out of why I chose it but I’m glad I had that option for all you know I could have had a health condition. My mother knows I had an abortion she supported my choice, I made that choice for a reason. I am not here having an abortion every other month. It’s not a decision people make lightly and there’s lots of reasons why someone would make that decision. Anyway I’d never judge a person for making a choice. I’m glad I live in a country where we can make choices.