AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

I think if you have a really strong feeling of wanting kids the idea of not having them can make you feel like wahat is life for. I had fertility issues for a decade and definitely felt that for me. And maybe projected out as well although I don't remember being an arse like your mum to anyone.

However given the happy, productive and loved life you've built is respond absolutely incredulously to her question. And just say, god how odd that you don't feel your life holds enough merit unless you make other people. Look sad. Should sort it out

Next time she brings it up, simply say “no child deserves the experience of a mother who does not want to be a parent. XX and I have made our decision. Neither of us have any desire to become parents. If you keep asking me about it I will spend less time with you because your behaviour is making me feel disrespected and unloved. Please make this the last thing I hear from you about it.

Alternatively, just show her this thread.

Mothers tend to naturally sympathetic.

That's really not always true. Certainly my own mother never got the memo.

I wonder if part of the disconnect is that you’re demonstrating good cognitive empathy but relatively little affective empathy.

You clearly understand why your mum feels as she does—you can articulate her beliefs and expectations perfectly well. But understanding someone’s emotional state intellectually isn’t quite the same as appreciating what that loss actually feels like to them.

I don’t think most posters are saying your mum is right to keep bringing it up, or that you owe her grandchildren. They’re making a different point: your mum isn’t simply disagreeing with your decision, she’s grieving the loss of a future she’d imagined for decades.
Those two things can coexist. Your decision is entirely yours and should be respected, and your mum’s grief is still real.

Reading your replies, you seem to approach this analytically: I’ve explained my reasoning, she understands it, therefore the matter is resolved. That’s a rational framework, but emotions don’t usually resolve once the facts are understood. Grief, in particular, isn’t “solved” by explanation.

I suspect that’s why some replies aren’t landing. People aren’t asking you to justify your decision differently—they’re inviting you to recognise the emotional process your mum is going through. Acknowledging that process doesn’t mean agreeing with her, changing your mind or excusing her behaviour. It simply means recognising that, from her perspective, this feels less like losing an argument and more like mourning the loss of an anticipated future.

I also wonder whether your thinking style is naturally more systemising than mentalising. Those aren’t value judgements—they’re simply different ways of processing the world. People who are high systemisers (often found in professions such as medicine, engineering and science) tend to approach problems by analysing facts, identifying causes and looking for a logical resolution. Mentalising, by contrast, is about intuitively modelling another person’s emotional world and recognising that understanding why someone feels something doesn’t necessarily diminish the intensity of that feeling.

Reading your replies, I get the impression you’re applying a systemising framework to an emotional problem: I’ve explained my reasoning, my mum understands it, therefore there is no longer a rational basis for her distress. But grief doesn’t operate like that. Emotional adaptation often lags far behind intellectual understanding. I think that’s the point many posters are trying to make—not that your decision is wrong, but that your mum’s continued sadness isn’t evidence that she hasn’t understood you.

Food for thought? Best wishes.

Is her mum's "continued sadness" an attempt at manipulating the op into having a baby? I think she should not keep mentioning it and putting pressure on the OP, I'm not convinced it's all about the grieving.

@Hatty123 Of course it’s a source of grief for her, but OP’s mother has known for 10-15 years that OP was not going to have children. She is refusing to accept it. That’s not a normal or healthy expression of grief, and she needs to get help not continually harangue the OP about it.

You are mistaking empathy and buying someone else's bullshit.

If you feel bad about a stupid or unreasonable thing, you need to get a grip of yourself or wallow forever. There's no duty or reasonable expectation upon a daughter to pretend an irrational feeling is rational.

I also believe many women have children because they think there's some social status in doing so (and, worse, some women think there's social status in being a grandmother). It's not grief when this is denied, it's narc rage.

Obviously it's not avoidable but not telling them to stop being a nuisance is avoidable, then glaring at the poor person whose trolley they ran into to.

Empathy doesn’t require a person to “buy into” someone’s beliefs or conclude that their feelings are objectively justified. This is a fairly common misconception.

It’s perfectly possible to recognise that someone’s emotional experience is real without agreeing with the underlying premise.

Empathy isn’t an endorsement of the belief; it’s an acknowledgement of the emotional reality.

In this case, the OP’s mum isn’t grieving because she’s been wronged. She’s grieving the loss of a future she’d imagined for decades. Whether that expectation was reasonable is almost beside the point psychologically. People don’t only grieve rational losses; they grieve hoped-for futures, identities and imagined lives.

Recognising that doesn’t oblige the OP to have children or to tolerate repeated pressure. It simply acknowledges that understanding another person’s emotional state is a different process from agreeing with their conclusions.

The boundary, then, isn’t around emotion—it’s around behaviour.

Something like: “Mum, I know this is a genuine loss for you and I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I also need you to accept that my decision is final, so I don’t want us to keep revisiting it. If you need to grieve that, I understand, but I can’t be the person you process it with.”

That acknowledges her emotional reality without accepting responsibility for resolving it.

If she had focused on her life, you wouldn’t have had yours. Surely you can see that?

You don’t owe her grandchildren just because you were born, but to berate her for not living your life, and having no sense of why she might be upset is ironic to say the least.

It's a bit of a sweeping statement to say that mothers tend to be naturally sympathetic. Having children doesn't normally fundamentally change someone's personality. If you are an unkind and unsympathetic person before having a baby, you will probably still be the same after becoming a mother. You may gain a protective instinct towards your own children, but that may even make you less caring and sympathetic to other people and their children.

I hope you're joking! This sounds like something Elon Musk would post (obviously only if it was a white person not wanting to continue their 'genetic legacy'),

OP's mum doesn't even like children so I'm not sure why OP is 'breaking their hearts'. No doubt her mum is the sort of person that would want to have grandchildren in order to keep up appearances with her friends. She would probably want to boast about her grandchildren while providing no help or support to the parents of the child.

Why on earth do you think that OP's mum would be a free childminder? OP has said:

'I have not seen her really interact with the wider family members children, some who are toddlers. She has explicitly said how annoying she finds them. That’s how I know she doesn’t really want to be a grandma, she would come visit my hypothetical children and not even take time to really interact with them I know her. This is just another one of those things where she feels she’s missing out on but in reality she would not be able to cope she wouldn’t be the hands on grandma she claims she wants to be.'

This isn't a woman that loves small children. It's a woman that wants grandchildren to fulfil society's expectations and to keep up with her friends who have grandchildren.

Why do you feel sorry for OP? She is living the life that she wants with her husband and has a very worth-while and fulfilling career. A paediatrician contributes much more to society than a woman who just gives birth to a couple of children.

Her mum might have loved being a mum but OP has said that she doesn't show any signs of being a good grandmother:

'My mother is surrounded by so much love, there’s young children in the family I’m talking ages 1 -3 she can choose to bond with them instead she refuses I understand they’re not her grandchildren but they do see her as a grandma yet she doesn’t want much to do with them. Her longing for grandchildren is just a facade'

You think OP's posts are defensive? Bloody hell.

Completely agree. There are a lot of unhappy families (and, dare I say, unhappy children) out there due to familial and societal pressure to procreate. Children deserve to be wholeheartedly wanted or else not brought into the world in the first place.

This sort of all emotions are valid no matter how stupid they are theory is why society has gone to the dogs

Your life sounds completely perfect to me.

She does need to stop asking you however if she has longed for grandchildren she has been pretty unlucky to have 4 children who have chosen to remain childless so I can understand her disappointment

I don't pretend to understand your DM Op, she has no obligations to keep her at home so she could be off enjoying the world with your DF, instead she'd rather stay home alone and complain about her lack of Grandchildren - how is that helping? - it doesn't make you happy or her.
Do you think your DM is depressed, or her marriage to your DF is unhappy because that might explain her fixation with Grand children.
I'm childfree by choice @TwinklySeal so I understand, it can be surprisingly difficult to convince some people that you really don't want DC

hard disagree. I would say though that feeling emotions and sharing them endlessly aka "banging on about it" are two different things.

There should be an expected change though as OP and her husband continue with enjoying life and OP’s mum comes to terms with her disappointment. Could be in the form of OP’s parents choosing to leave inheritance elsewhere as they don’t like the idea of life savings being used for travel and whatever else pursuits would appeal to OP and her siblings, as there is no further legacy to support.

I have never understood the argument that you are "being selfish" if it is your choice not to have children. If you live in society, contribute to the greater good of that society and pay your taxes then, to my mind, you've more than paid your dues and you are contributing to the provision of other people's need for child-health-provision; schooling, etc.

In your case, OP, you are a medico and a paediatrician. You've made your contribution. Your ma really does need to shut up and back off.
I'm saying this as "an old 'un", who seriously believed I'd never have grandchildren and now have just the one, which is lovely, very lovely,
BUT...when I look at the future I tremble. Just as I worried & pondered long about bringing a child into the world, now I worry about the world my GS is growing up into.
Stand by your beliefs and principles, OP. Tell your ma to back the f**k off.
all power to your elbow

My God.

Would you honestly think that if someone doesn’t have kids they don’t deserve to inherit from their parents?