AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

Some feelings are stupid and it's helpful to get over them

Seriously? Oh my goodness.

@TwinklySeal my children have chosen not to have children and whilst I am a little sad, I would never in a million years harnague them about it. It is totally their choice and I respect that and have always said this to them, I have never said anything other as that would make them feel bad and I don't want to do that.

I really can't get my head around why your mum would do this after all your explaining. Surely, she wants you to be happy. She sounds quite controlling in the fact that she doesn't recognise your choice as valid but continually pushes against it...as in her feelings are more valid.

I feel quite sorry for her, I have 4 kids but I am not planning out all of my grandkids, I would like some yes and I would love them more than life, help out with them and spoil them but I can’t wait to spend my time with my husband when all my kids have buggered off. We have big plans!

can't argue with that! except who is to judge which are stupid and which are not?

and I am talking about feelings here, not actions

Doubtless an interesting question. I don’t think we can know from a forum thread whether it’s “all grief” or whether there’s an element of hoping the OP will change her mind. There may well be.

But I don’t think those possibilities are mutually exclusive. Someone can be genuinely grieving a hoped-for future and express that grief in ways that become pressurising or manipulative. Human behaviour is often messier than either/or.

For me, the important distinction is between understanding the emotion and accepting the behaviour. I can have sympathy for the fact that the OP’s mum is mourning the loss of becoming a grandmother while also thinking she needs to stop repeatedly raising the subject.

Acknowledging that her sadness is probably genuine doesn’t mean the OP should feel responsible for alleviating it or changing her decision. Equally, recognising that some of her behaviour may be intended to influence the OP doesn’t mean the underlying grief isn’t real.
Those two things can coexist.

I have grandchildren who I adore. Had my child decided not to have children I would respect that. I never has expectations of grandchildren - it was never my right.

Re. your last few lines, that's all very well, but parents who are nagging for grandchildren tend to become frustrated and start insulting you. Plus it's stressful being nagged all the time for something like that. I think you haven't experienced continuous, intense pressure for babies, if you think it can be kept all sweet and light.

honestly op, after reading all of this my main question is - is this behaviour bad enough that you would consider NC with your mum? after 10+ years of emotional manipulation and refusal to drop it, given how much it upsets you, I don't think it would be an unfair thing to consider.

I am weirdly quite grateful that my mum was not maternal, because my decision made sense to her. If she had reacted like this I would have been gone tbh

Why don’t you suggest that she sponsor a child to divert her energy and do something positive?

Comparing OP's mum to infertile women is not an apt comparison, because women who want children are involving only their own bodies in that choice, by choice. Whereas OP's mum is pressuring someone to do something with their body, demanding that someone else have a baby for her. It is not the same.

And maybe what you say about deepening relationships is true, but it shouldn't be. As adult women, we should be able to have deep and meaningful relationships with our family on our own terms. We should be enough alone to have that with them. Reproducing shouldn't make a difference. Maybe it does, but it shouldn't.

And yes, OP's mum is entitled to feel upset. She's not entitled to make it OP's problem and make their time together pressured and unpleasant. She has no right to demand that another woman has a baby, which is what she's doing with all that pressure. Reminds me of all the anti-choice pressure on women to have any baby they might get pregnant with. OP's mum is being coercive.

Women need to stay out of other women's uteruses.

It sounds like she is relying on you to give her a purpose, rather than going out and making a life for herself.

I’m mid 40s and don’t want children. Doesn’t matter the reasons why, we shouldn’t have to justify our decision, in the same way others shouldn’t have to justify their reasons.

no legacy to support? For goodness sake.

With the state of the world as it is, why on earth would anyone want to bring a child into it?

Your mum is being selfish. She may say that kids will enhance your life.blah blah but really...she's thinking about herself.
If I were you..I would just walk away from her when she starts the baby talk..albeit in a cafe..in her home..anywhere
And distance yourself from her.

My Mum was like this. It made for a very awkward 30s when every conversation would turn to 'when I'm a grandma.' She had 3 kids and none of us were interested.

Thankfully my sister ended up having a child (and secretly regrets it). So at least there is one grandchild now and the pressure has come off. But I know its not the 6-10 grandkids she thought she'd end up with at some point.

It shouldn't matter. We have to live the life we choose. Your mother and my mother chose to have children; it doesn't mean we should be forced to make the same decision.

God, you do go on. You're a LOT more like your mum than you realise judging by your tone, preference to lecture and low empathy.

You know precisely why she's doing it, stop acting obtuse.

Anyway of course it's not your job to have kids, don't indulge in the drama anymore just politely tell her that every time she brings it up you'll leave/end the call and follow through.

I’m going to completely disagree with everyone on here and say I don’t think this is about grandchildren. I think this is about control. The grandchildren are the obvious stick with which to beat you, but if you had popped out a brood of six, your mother would have found something else to be disappointed about. She sounds as if she is a perennially disappointed person. Your father understands this and is getting on with his life. Your mother has opportunities to engage with young children in the family if there really is a toddler-shaped hole in her life. She chooses not to. She has options. She choose to obsess about grandchildren, knowing it hurts her children. Imagine if all her children had fertility issues how cruel that would be.
You have made it clear that you are your partner will not be having children, as have your siblings. You have every right to do so and you really don’t have to justify this decision to anyone. I think the idea that women who choose not to have children are not wholly fulfilled is deeply insulting and I have three great kids.
The generation of women who came of age in the First World War were a generation who were often deprived of partners and motherhood. The Vera Britain generation. Many of them went on to do remarkable work which benefitted society. We had some of these women in my own family.
OP, you sound understandably frustrated at this constant harping and intrusion into your private life. I think you need to entirely disengage from this conversation. If she brings it up say nothing. Don’t engage with it on any level. Let it play itself out. Either go “lalala” in your head till she stops or train your mind to switch the word “grandchild” to another very boring word such as rock. Everytime she says “I wish I had a grandchild” hear it as “I wish I had a rock”. “All my friends have rocks”. “Why can’t you give me a rock?” “What is the point of life without a rock?” Etc. It will remove all the power from the conversation.
The key is to not engage with any of it. If she says “why are you listening?” Or “why don’t you answer?” say “you know why”. Leave it at that. The first few times will be painful but you will get over it. You will take all the power away from her and you will free yourself from this head-f*%k she has placed you in. It’s not easy but you can absolutely do it.
At all other times and in all other ways be your usual loving and charming daughterly self. It’s repetitive, it is boring, it does your head in but it works. (This is how you train toddlers!😁). it’s cheaper than therapy.
One last tip that works for me is if you find yourself ruminating and stressing over this issue, schedule it. If you are awake at 3am stressing about your mother’s behaviour, tell yourself, “I am going to schedule this stress for 11am on Saturday”. Then do it. At 11am take time to really concentrate on the issue. You’ll be bored by 30mins and the stress will diminish. Repeat until the whole power has gone from the issue. Scheduling stress works for most worries which are not life threatening.

???? well yes, of course it is!

The point is, you are seeing the analogy from the POV of OP.
I am explaining the POV of the mum.

OP might not have meant to be insensitive but that doesn't mean the mum would be wrong for feeling upset.

@Whatwudyoudo1

eh? You see so many posts on here about how our children don’t owe us ANYTHING! Not even basic common decency and respect half the time. They didn’t ask to be born! You chose to be a mother. Wah, wah.

People just seem to want to have a go at OP as a woman who knows her own mind, won’t bend to suit others and flies in the face of social convention….And that is INTERNALISED MISOGYNY.

Not cool.

@crunchycrackers

why on earth wouldn’t they want their inheritance being spent on travel?! Seeing the world is one of the best ways to spend money!!

you seem to think she should leave all her money to some cats home to spite Op for not giving her grandkids… weird take, but you do you