AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

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My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

Yeah i do have to say I dont really understand why anything in the first paragraph was relevant to the rest of the op, or the actual query at all!

Has OP edited the post as im not sure why people are saying to tell her straight you arent having them as it says in the OP:

'I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.'

Urgh I cannot believe you are an actual doctor OP and your mother is questioning if your life has meaning and purpose! She needs to get a grip on herself. Sad woman.

Rather than telling her to stop mentioning grandchildren, you might try asking her about her wish for them, letting her explain, then telling her you can see it's hard for her knowing there won't be any, and you hate seeing her unhappy, but you are sure she understands that people who don't want children should not have them because children need to be wanted. This might just clear the air and help her accept it and move on. If not you can say Look Mum, I have told you it's not going to happen so please leave it.

Hang up or leave her company whenever she mentions dc.
She will get the message.
.

Exactly what I said @MrsShawnHatosy

"HOWEVER, everyone has a choice and your choice is as equally valid as hers was."

YANBU. I’d reiterate once more that the topic is off the table for discussion and make it clear that you will limit contact/leave the conversation/uninvite her from the wedding if she brings it up.

Your life sounds lovely and fulfilled.

Its the opposite of selfish. Bringing children into the world just because you feel you should or for others is selfish, I wish a lot more women would think a lot harder about this before having children. Some parents also often have a habit of pushing for grandkids and then have zero interest in them when they arrive. Never have children for anyone but yourself.

Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

what a terrible thing to say to someone 😮

YABU for continuing to shut her down politely. Polite isn’t getting you anywhere. Get angry.

Have you had a separate conversation with her, one that happens before she actually says anything? If not, you could sit her down and explain how boring the relationship between the two of you is becoming and how sad it is because you now dread interacting with her and that it’s putting a downer on your wedding g plans.

They haven’t experienced life without Dc

unless they had kids at 15, of course they experienced life when they were child-free!

Another excellent reason for NOT having children too early anyway. You make a conscious decision when you have yours.

many women who define themselves by their dc and take great joy from it.
you are not wrong, but it's so unfair on the poor kids raised by women who have no life, and are not interesting at all.

gosh op! as someone in the trenches with a 2 & 5 year old - burntout and stressed at the moment - I hear you !! I love my kids - but I crave a carefree life like yours regularly!

I think you are 100% correct - if you don't want kids, don't have them!

I agree. You weren't harsh enough.. or maybe its that she refuses to listen and takes offence instead.
Its hard bashing your head against a brick wall.... and more crucially this is making you upset in the run up to your wedding which should be a time of celebration, not another excuse to enquire into your childbearing plans... which she has already had an answer to.

Do you have any strong minded relatives who you could explain this to who could also talk to her and tell her to stop talking about it. She might listen if its from more than just you...

Or alternatively write to her and say this is colouring the run up to your wedding, can she please accept for once and for all that you do not intend to have children and stop bringing it up at every opportunity. She may have taken offence at you asking her stop, but she is causing you distress with her continued refusal to listen to your requests?
Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. It sounds like a lovely plan to have close family and friends there and a small celebration afterwards.

You are not selfish.

I have DCs and can't imagine a life without them but I daresay I would have found happiness and contentment in my life if DCs had not been possible for whatever reason.

Your mother is totally unreasonable to keep pestering you and you shouldn't have to justify your life choices and decisions to anyone but yourself. Keep shutting her down. Good luck with the wedding too - sounds lovely!

This

I would have been like your mother . Really really wanted grandchildren . Mentioned and my DD firmly shut it down . But she was younger then and I secretly hoped she would change her mind . The last conversation we had she explained how she felt about it . Since then I have never and will never mention it again . It is my secret grief but nobody has the right to expect that from their own children. I hope your mother can come to a place where she stops mentioning it . It might be really irritating.

You are not being unreasonable.Definitely not! It's not how everyone feels but it is completely rational and sensible. You should never have to defend your choice.
She's not being unreasonable in feeling how she feels about it (disappointed for herself - she presumably has shown a lot of love for you and wants to show love to grandchildren) BUT (and it's a big but) it is a 'her' problem.
My father is 86 and is rather depressed and cannot, any longer seem to keep his thoughts to himself, even though he is being rude, as your mum is.
I just have to shut it down and then have a massive debrief after I see him.

Your mother is being unreasonable but sending the photo of yourself with your friend’s baby wasn’t the most tactful move. I would acknowledge that she’s disappointed but tell her that you really don’t want to talk about it any more and your mind is made up and that her constant raising of the issue is making you feel like avoiding her and stopping you from having a nice time together.

She isn’t being fair on you keep bringing it up but I do understand where she’s coming from, especially if you don’t have siblings with kids. I’ve got older friends who don’t have grandchildren and they are sad about it even though they are resigned to the fact and respect their children’s choice. It’s very much your choice though I do know people who changed their minds in their early 40’s then had an uphill struggle to conceive

There's absolutely nothing selfish about choosing not to have children for any reason, selfish is having them when you can't provide for them at all or resenting them etc.

Your mum needs to accept that. There's no guarantee of being a grandparent, the only thing you can control is being a parent and they've had that experience, and obviously loved it. But that's where it ends. I had my son at 35 and loved my life before, and loved my son immediately and learned to love the change of life as a parent too. But I don't expect anything from him one day but to be a good person and strive for his happiness. If that means your child doesn't want children because they're so happy they simply want to remain as they are, then how fantastic is that! I hope they can see that and stop bothering you.

Your mum is being completely unreasonable putting pressure on you in this way and I’m amazed you haven’t got angry with her before now. FWIW I had my children very late and not once - not once - did my mum or dad mention grandchildren or ask if I wanted children.

I think I would really put the cards on the table in a very quiet, calm, kind way.

“Mum, we have decided we are not having children. I have told you this repeatedly and I’m not sure what part of it you don’t understand. This topic is closed for discussion. It is starting to make me not want to see you because I know that you will always bring the conversation round to it and it makes me uncomfortable. Is that what you want?

Otherwise, we could just have a normal relationship where you accept our choices without constantly challenging them. I am a medical doctor and that is what I want to spend my life doing and being. This is not something that you can control and I would be grateful if you would accept that”

Do you have a dad, is he more reasonable, can you get him onside with this so he backs you up when ma inevitably goes home and complains.

You are 100% right, OP. I had a mother a bit like yours, and I loathed her for it. I'm also married to a doctor and, although we married young, we pretty much always knew there wouldn't be any kids - certainly, back in those days (late 80s ), a career in medicine wasn't compatible with having kids, in my view, because of the hours, studying etc. Some of our friends managed it to be fair but, for others, there was also suicide, divorce, broken health or having to jack in medicine as a career.
Frankly, none of this is anybody's business except the couple concerned. You are doing the right thing to marry to protect yourselves - and because you want to, of course! You need to be frank with your mother and, if she continues to be offensive, then you can choose to see or speak to her far less. That's up to you too.
I'm so happy for you both - that you are happy with your life and your choices. I wish you the best of everything in the future.

I’m exactly like you op apart from myself and my sibling, whilst in long term solid relationships are both also unlikely to have any kind of wedding ceremony.
I do feel sad for my mum that she would have loved being a grandmother and a mother if the bride/ groom but I’m very lucky that she’s gracious enough to never put this disappointment onto us.
I’d be having very harsh words with dm if I was you - how dare she ? What if your childlessness was due to infertility, would she bang on about it then ?

From the OP:

"I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed."

So many people in older generations didnt get a choice as to whether to have children, it was just expected and a lot that a then in Thursday would chose not to.

she is being very unreasonable and I would tell her that you’ve thought about cutting contact if she doesn’t stop.