AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

My daughter and her husband have decided not to have children. The hardest part of that decision has been other people's reactions to it. Her 'friend', who seems to see herself as something of an earth mother with her 1 PFB, said the same hurtful insensitive thing

Does she have grandchildren at all?
(Not that I think that gives her any right. I'm an only child and my parents have totally accepted my choice even though it means they'll never have any grandchildren.)

Why is it my duty to give her the life she wanted by having children ? I am genuinely asking. The boat has sailed. She chose to have 4 kids and create very ambitious children (not saying people who do not have children aren’t ambitious) but neither of us chose to have children and none of us are planning to. My eldest brother is a pilot, him and his wife do not have the capacity to have children. My younger brother and his wife just have no interest, my sister and her partner don’t have interest either. My nieces and nephews are from my partner side, his siblings chose to have children and they’re great parents. I am in awe as to how they do it. I think motherhood/parenthood in general in a tough job and my partner and I personally aren’t cut out for it. It requires skills we feel as though we do not possess.

The answer is it’s not your duty and any disappointment she has has fuck all to do with you.

Absolutely this.

What the hell, what questions is she asking?
I can tell you've ready tried 'its none of your business' as a response, have you tried 'it is really weird of you to be asking about my sex life, why do you keep doing it??'

It is true that most people want kids, and most want grandchildren. It's what a lot of us have been brought up to believe in. I've seen friends struggle desperately with infertility, and ask why it's so unfair they can't have kids. That doesn't change anything, anymore than me feeling it was so unfair when I lost a baby. A woman desperately wanting grandkids, and unlike most younger women maybe starting with health issues, already having had family and friends die, is entitled to feel upset, just as a young woman with infertility issues might be upset when her friends get pregnant.
That of course doesn't mean you must have a child if you don't want to. But remember that she is probably also grieving you-when someone has a child, their relationships with their own parent/in-laws usually deepen a million percent, as you all surround yourself with caring for the newest member of your family. As a mum of 2 young ones, I didn't have a deep adult relationship with my family until the kids came along.
Of course, there are grandparents who don't care/help out at all/never prioritise their family, and it's just one of the ironies of life that these people often have lots of grandchildren, where people who really want them don't.
Not your fault, all I'm saying is cut her some slack, as you would with an infertile friend.

Mum needs to let this matter drop, but as someone above said the OP was clumsy (although I would have said stupid) to send a photo of her holding someone else’s grandchild

You say she thinks you've been harsh, I honestly think you've been the complete opposite to have not snapped before now! I think you should maybe sit down with your mum and tell her, you absolutely will not be having children! You have a lovely, fulfilled and happy life without them and the answer will not change, and if she keeps bringing it up it will negatively impact your relationship with her.

I didn’t say it was your duty I’m saying she’s probably mourning a life she envisioned and try not to get upset with her. If all 4 of her children have decided against kids then I can see how upset that would make her, but it’s not on you to make that a reality for her. It’s not her life. I just empathise with her that’s all.

It's sad that she can't see that you and your husband to be have a brilliant life and much to be proud of. The dream as a parent is that my children are happy and fulfilled and loved. Sounds like you've got all that in buckets

Stand your ground, @NoisyViewer . Yet another case of a woman being expected to perform care-giving duties. I can imagine that it would be a privilege to do so for someone you care very deeply for, but otherwise a very stressful experience. You already have enough on your plate.

If you only see your kids as extensions of yourself (a very narcissistic way of viewing the world) then yes you will feel crushing disappointment if they don’t organise their lives according to how you had planned for them and will voice that. If you see your kids as autonomous people in their own right, who owe you nothing and are not there to fulfil some vision of “success” for you, you realise you have no right to continually express your disappointment to the extent that you quiz your daughter on her sex life.

From a biological perspective I understand. We are still quite basic animals. Op's mother was driven to have op by a desire to reproduce, and in a purely biological sense, that was a waste of her time, resources and effort as it has not resulted in a continuation of her blooline.

It's also a loss to the species and society that someone as intelligent, sensible and considerate as @TwinklySeal is not going to pass on her genes.

I’m side eyeing everything in this comment. 😒

A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum

Well, that feels deliberately goady; you knew 100% she'd have something to say.
I don't have children, and I'm eternally thankful that my parents never made it into a thing; they never spoke about wanting grandchildren because they accepted the choice was mine.

OP YANBU. It drives me insane when parents create an imaginary life for themselves based on choices that aren’t theirs to make. What career their DC’s should have, whether they have children, where they should live etc. She is entitled to be sad you won’t have children but it’s not her choice to make. She shouldn’t have tied so much of herself to dreams that are completely outside of her control.

My aunt is child free by choice and to shut my Nan up she just said she had the menopause. Sometimes it’s okay to lie to shut someone up if they’re really relentless 🤷‍♀️.

I think it’s important for her not to envision her life through her children. She should live her life, she chose to have children we don’t owe her anything not even grandchildren. I’m not fussed that I’ll never be a grandmother my partner and I are firm on not having children and it’ll get easier and easier the older we get because then the ship will have sailed for my mother to keep begging. Is she going to look after those children and give them everything they will need…no. Do my partner and I have enough money to have a child…nope. Do we have the mental and emotional capacity to bring a child into this world….no. It’s not something we’ve taken lightly we have discussed. Luckily for me my husband doesn’t really like children and finds it’s quite tiresome when our nieces and nephews come to visit so there’s never been any pressure. I’ve had friends who have had pressure from their partners now they have children that they don’t really have the capacity for and it’s sad :( I feel for them.

I'd tell her next time she asks anything baby related you're going NC for a month, the time after for two etc.

Yeah, a loss to the species (eye-roll). How do you know that? The OP could have given birth to a serial killer for all you know. And given that there's over 8 billion of us, I am sure the species will cope.

Good lord. Do people still trot out this "driving force" nonsense?

I guess you can see from the vote that we are all more or less on your side.
Both my kids are the same as you. One doctor, one medical researcher...both married to massive professionals.
They love their jobs and made conscious decisions not to have children.
I totally support their choices.
It's none of your mothers flaming business to be honest.
I would tell her there will be distance between us unless she backs off.
Or is she willing to look after them day and night for you.
She is out of line.
My daughter, a Doctor of environmental sciences has said that she would never bring a child into a dying world.
My son would forget it on the bus.
So we all have pets instead. More fun and you don't have to put them through uni

Next time she asks or hints about your sex life tell her in graphic detail about your recent discovery of the ecstacy of anal. Ask her if she was into it as well.
🙂

She asked for pictures as I told her I was going to see my friend. My mum has known this friend since we were little. I didn’t do it to upset her. Maybe my fault for not ignoring her messages asking for pictures