AIBU to be upset after he turned off my work laptop?

[VividOliveBee]

I am doing a virtual training course via zoom, very heavy going for a respected industry qualification, doing at at home to save on childcare for the summer hols which already has it challenges. Been leaving my laptop on as my work do random, long and unpredictable updates all the time. Came to logon this morning and it’s off. Dh shut it down before bed so everything I had open is lost and I have to frantically try and open and redownload find the links etc, I went mad, said what on earth who does this without asking, apparently I’m unreasonable leaving it due to the price of electric. He won’t apologise and said he wants a divorce and has gone to work.

Erm this isn’t about the laptop!

The fact he said he wants a divorce would bother me more. Does he threaten to leave often? Is he serious? Why is he throwing that out and then leaving for work?
The laptop seems like a minor side issue tbh.

Yep! You ‘went mad’, he ‘wants a divorce’? That’s not a normal reaction to a misunderstanding over a left-on laptop.

Shutting a laptop down is quite normal.

Saving stuff is also normal, so not his fault if you didn't save it.

No one divorces over shutting a laptop down. What's the rest of the story?

From your post above, he has perhaps had enough of you having a go at him over something so trivial...

Think I would happily give him the divorce you both sound like you dislike each other, life’s too short @VividOliveBee

This isn't about a laptop, is he usually so unreasonable? Is he worried about money?

To add, yeah aware shutting is the norm but I have left it on the previous few days for the reason stated above. An update could make me late, denied entry and therefore fail. Not trivial at all when it’s an important course and affects my career.

I think it's weird that he turned off your laptop without asking first, I think that you going mad over it is a strong reaction, I think that him saying he wants a divorce over it is strange, and then I think that your reaction to him saying he wants a divorce, ie none, is bizarre - by which I mean that you've posted here about the laptop, not the threat of divorce.

This sounds like the tip of an iceberg to me.

Take him at his word and give him what he wants.

Shutting down someone else's work laptop isn't normal at all

Your more bothered about the laptop than him asking for a divorce…?

It sounds like what you had open and set up wasn’t necessarily work you could save, as such, so I think some of the lectures you’ve been given may be misplaced.

I wfh for years and my DH would never have turned off my work computers without checking with me - likewise I wouldn’t turn his off either. Modern computers shouldn’t take vast amount of power if they’re left on idle, particularly if you’ve got appropriate power settings - I’d assume it would turn its screen off and maybe ‘sleep’ after a while.

I’m not surprised you’re cross, and his reaction is completely out of order - he should have asked you to turn your machine off rather than just going ahead.

Obviously this isn’t just about the laptop, I guess you’re trying to get a reality check on whether you were unreasonable in your reaction (YANBU to be annoyed with him, maybe ‘going mad’ was OTT depending what you mean by that) and also on his reaction - he was definitely more than ‘unreasonable’, he should have apologised not threatened divorce before heading out.

He should have asked, but honestly just log on early to accommodate any updates. I do this everyday.
the divorce comments sounds like it’s been boiling for a while. You’ll need to talk.

How many updates are you getting, having that many in a day over several days doesn't sound normal? You should be able to schedule updates to a time of day you need, get the update done then close down your laptop when it has completed. It sounds like you're not in control of your schedule.

It sounds to me as if he thought “Oh, she’s left it on by mistake, I’ll shut it down for her” and you went ballistic at him for doing you what he thought was a favour. My guess is that maybe this isn’t the first time there’s been a huge row over this kind of relatively small thing.

I suspect this isn’t at all about the laptop.

I also don’t really understand what you’ve actually lost? Don’t you save your work, have browser Favourites etc?

this sounds far fetched to be honest

Why would you switch off someone else’s work laptop? This sounds like control to me.

I’d phone a solicitor about that divorce today.

I think this is about the training course and you getting promoted based on your newly gained qualification. I have a friend whose Dh used to try to sabotage any career progression, any training she did, any time she had to sit and write reports or essays. Very easy to see from the outside of their marriage, not easy for her to connect the dots.

Turning off a laptop should be done with the permission of the laptop owner. I would never close down any laptop never mind a work laptop. I think he knew that this would affect you today but wasn't quite prepared for your response.

No one turns off other people's computers knowing they're in the middle of work without at least checking everything has been saved. That's deliberate sabotage. Especially that his immediate response is that he wants a divorce.

Get your ducks in a row as quick as you can. You need to focus on protecting yourself in the divorce. Is there another room you can sleep in. Don't assume he's joking and stick your head in the sand while he plans or he'll fuck you over

Makes no sense to me. So he heroically saves a few pence on electricity. Risking you falling behind and not completing the course as well. Next time you will go into the office so he stops interfering with your laptop and you'll have to pay for childcare, so that was a real saving!

She may not be in control of it if for some reason her company IT is pushing a lot of updates.

If someone had left something in I’d think I’d done them a favour by switching it off

has any of the work auto saved as a draft

I mean, if it's that's critical to your studies you could also take a few extra minutes to get set up in the morning, and not cut things so fine. Presumably any updates pushed through overnight will need a restart?

But how is that at the forefront of your mind and not the divorce comment?

You do not touch another persons laptop, you might close it up as in push the two halves together so it goes into sleep mode, but you absolutely do not turn it off! But it just sounds like the final straw rather than the main issue here.

But how is that at the forefront of your mind and not the divorce comment?

I was wondering the same thing. The entire post / title is about the laptop and OP's work, then suddenly right at the end there's a huge potentially life changing moment. But the OP seems to be completely ignoring it.