AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I've got a dog, I'd put the dog elsewhere in this situation. I think your quite cruel to have no empathy whatsoever for the young children in this situation. Surely your dog spends some time alone, do you not go to work? Have appointments to attend? Take your DC to birthday partys/play dates without your dog.

My ds is scared of dogs (bad experience when he was little). Friends that have dogs lock them away or keep them on a lead when he is at their houses which I really appreciate. Similarly one of his friends is allergic to cats so I lock my cat out / away when he visits. Our cat isn't best pleased because he likes to be with me but he is a cat, he gets over it fairly quickly (normally with the help of dreamies).

A friend's daughter was scared of dogs when younger. Through gradually interacting with my very placid, child friendly dog, she got over her fear which enabled her to go on sleepovers with other friends who had more boisterous dogs.

I would not shut my dog away. Friend's daughter was very happy later on to come to my house and meet our new puppy.

That's exactly what happens to cure spider phobia. You start off being exposed to pictures, videos, small spiders, and end up handling tarantulas.

If you are scared of something that you don't need to be scared of so much that it is reducing your ability to participate in life then you should absolutely do exposure therapy.

It's different being terrified of a quiet dog on a lead that walks past in the park versus not wanting to visit a friend who has XL bullies. One is actually a danger, the other is not.

DD isn't a fan of dogs and we simply don't socialise with anyone who brings a skittish poodle or dachshund into a group of kids and expects everyone to love it. Especially the ones who gets all barky and jumpy when excited.

I don't demand that people shut away their dogs but most people are aware that DD doesn't like them. Some are considerate and keep them in another room or at home. If they still bring them along, we end the friendship and I honestly don't miss any of them at all.

DD's gotten a lot better with tolerating dogs but I'm just not a fan of the entitlement of owners who expect pets (still a potentially dangeous and unpredictable animal) to have the same status as humans.

If I were to bring my daughter to this play date, it would be ruined be her either refusing to go in the room where the dog was, or screaming and running away from the dog, possibly scaring the dog in the process and definitely annoying the rest of the attendees. I’ve tried her around placid dogs and she is still really scared. For her it’s mostly the fear that they might bark (she’s very noise sensitive), and no amount of reassurance will reduce this fear.

i wouldn’t kick off, I’d just decline the invite and suggest an alternative later that day or the next day for those who can make it.

people who don’t have phobic children often seem to assume that the parents have encouraged the fear and/or done nothing to try to overcome it. Dogs is a particularly difficult phobia cos they’re everybloodywhere and dog owners cannot comprehend it at all and generally assume their dog will be the one exception the the rule for the child who is scared.

Do you never have workman round at the house? Surely you shut the dogs away for them? Never had a home visit from a nurse or doctor post birth? I find it ridiculous that a dog can’t survive in a room alone for a few hours

I’m a big dog lover and have multiple myself, when our children were smaller and had more than one friend over for a play date I always popped my dogs behind a baby gate, so they are used to it.
Not because I have ferocious dogs, but because I don’t trust other people’s children and if there was more than one of them attending a play date I couldn’t closely watch what’s going on.
We had a birthday celebration at the weekend, only one dog was left to free roam with the 13 year olds, the other 2 were popped in their room with stuffed kongs because it was just abit much checking that no one was being too rough with them or accidently standing on them.
If your dog gets really upset at being shut out, and can’t be popped on the other side of a baby gate with something chewable and tasty to take her mind off it (beagles usually love to eat) then I would stick with your original answer and explain that your dog gets very distressed at being excluded and it’s a shame the girls don’t feel able to come.
Their reaction is extreme, although there wasn’t apparently a trigger their Mum must have allowed it to continue without addressing it.
Kids have fears, one of mine was absolutely terrified of spiders for a random reason (I’m not, so it was completely odd) I didn’t let them clamber all over me hysterically but gradually desensitised them to them, I was also pretty firm about not getting hysterical and that it was ok to not like something/avoid them but screaming and running was not.
It’s not your job to pander to someone else’s children, to the detriment of your dog, harsh as that sounds.

Of course your dog shouldn’t suffer for some random children

Our friends always shut the dog away or put them in the garden or whatever if my youngest is with me. They know she doesn’t like dogs and they are good friends.

I get what you're saying but I didn't say anything until she started ranting at me about how unfair I was being to her DC. It was only then I said it's her home and she'd be stressed being shut away.

You have absolutely no idea what the mother has done or not done to help her child.

I wouldn’t inflict a play date on my dog whose patience might be tested. It depends on how much you value the friendship but I would lock the dog away

I have an old girl too (10 year old retriever) and I keep her well out of the way of any playdates (DD6 and DD2). Not because I don't trust her, but because I don't trust that other children will give her space, be calm and gentle, etc. Luckily she loves her own space so she is very happy to stay out of the way.
If your DD wants these children there, could you find a compromise? If your dog is distressed being shut away, do you have anyone who could take her out for a bit? If not, maybe there could be a clear 'section' where the dog is and the children are not to go (do you have any safety gates, etc. that can create a barrier but not close her out of sight?). If she's docile she could be on a long lead that is fixed somewhere so she has a clear area to roam / chill and the parent of the children knows where to keep her kids away from?
Sorry that's ended up quite long but hope you can find a solution.

Dog and dc owner.hwre op..
We had 4 dogs. 2 large and 2 whippet type.
Always put the 2 big ones away...
The 2 smaller ones, very friendly and placid. Had a sibling stay unexpectedly 7+..
Heard 1 dog low growl..absolutely certain the dc did something to her.

Don't leave your ddog open to accusations op. If I hadn't been a step in front she could have snapped. Rightly so if she had been maliciously hurt..
Ime it's about trusting the dc not always
ddog..

I'm not a dog person but if the dog wont' bother the kids I can't see the issue.

However, if it will bark or jump up/wash your face, then it might be a different story.

But ultimately it might be better for her to play elsewhere! Yes there will be dogs at the park but generally people will keep them on leads or get hold of them if you ask.

I’m not a dog owner but the mum is being absolutely ridiculous. Are her kids going to become hysterical every time they see a dog somewhere?

You’re not being unreasonable at all. She’s got the option for her kids to attend or not so it looks like they’ll have to stay away this time.

I have a dog and would happily shut him in a separate part of the house if a child was coming round who is scared of dogs. Actually most likely I’d send him round the corner to hang out with my ILs. None of which would cause anyone any convenience as the ILs love having him and he loves going there.

But if you don’t have an option like that and your dog won’t cope with being shut away, then you’ll have to accept them declining your invitation I guess.

I have a friend with two boys, one of whom is scared of dogs, and an adult friend who is scared of dogs. I wouldn’t dream of asking them round and not shutting our dogs away, it’s not fair on anyone. I’d think your dog would probably be happier being kept away from a bunch of over excited little people too!

Well it is your house - but I think you should shut the dog away. Why would you want to distress children.

lol it’s a kids play date not the last supper

The dog lives there , the kid doesn’t.

Don't upset your dog.

If you had a young or jumpy dog, I'd say you were being unreasonable.

You have an old, calm, blind dog. I'd be telling them they're welcome to not come round! This is clearly a parent issue if both children are hysterically terrified for no reason.

Very few people I know have dogs. I’ve turned down 1 play date due to a dog being present and offered to host instead.

Uninvite them
Your home, your dog

If I am honest I would prefer the dog to be in another room but if the dog genuinely isn't a jumpy dog personally I would be okay. My parents have a dog which is fairly old and blind so I am okay with him. Conversely my PIL's have a dog which continually jumps up at people although it is more annoying than scary as it is a small dog. If it were a medium or large dog I would find it impossible to deal with.

My phobia is mainly large dogs off lead but it sounds as if these girls have a phobia of all dogs so would need the dog in another room.