AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Where did I say they come above all humans in my life? Not that I actually employ a ranking system, as my loved ones are my loved ones. I will prioritize whoever I judge to be most in need, depending on the situation.

Luckily, none of the above applies to my friends and family, and I see no need to foster good relations with demanding people like the mother in the OP. If they don’t like me that’s fine, they don’t have to. I’ve never found this to be a problem.

I let people know ahead of time that I have animals, and it’s up to them if they want to accept or decline any invitation I extend.

@QuarryQueen you haven’t mentioned how you think your DDs would react to your dog howling and being distressed?

My kids adore our dogs and would be upset to see them distressed

It's called having manners and demonstrating good social skills. You know, those things we all like to be on the receiving end of. But people and society are so me me me these days, no wonder we're in such a mess.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5438997-aibu-ds-left-out-due-to-fear-of-dogs

A saner thread on the same topic from the other perspective

Good on you! I totally agree. If someone has an issue with our cats then that’s for them to decide whether they can cope. If they can’t then they are welcome to stay away.

Luckily my family and friends tend to love animals and don’t expect them to be put in a position of being distressed.

FFS, nobody is forcing the mother to bring her children to the party. She needs to explain to them that the dog will be there because it's the dog's home (NOT theirs) and if they can't handle that then they'll just have to miss out. And she needs to stop bitching about it on a group chat.

Frankly, based on the last bit alone, I wouldn't want the woman in my house and if she turned up I'd borrow a fiercer dog and sic it on her.

Nope wouldn’t shut them away. Not at his age and given how placid he is

It’s not attention seeking it’s normal for small children to be frightened of things . They aren’t little adults .

Presumably the social consequences for OP and her child are fewer play dates at their house, not being friends with the scared child and her mom, and potentially being known as the house with an old dog who roams, which might put others off.

It’s fine to have your priorities but it’s not fine to invite others and expect them to have the same priorities.

I absolutely do not think you should lock the dog away if it would suffer, but the other parent is not unreasonable to ask that her afraid child isn’t in the same room as a dog. There’s probably a workaround but you’re being stubborn to make a point but losing a friend for your child.

(and this child’s friendship with the other kid will probably outlive the dog)

I love animals. I have shut my own pet away when someone comes to the house who is scared or allergic. It’s sad for me and my pet but I feel it’s good manners towards the guest.

Take the dog for a good long walk before everyone comes and then settle her inside with a treat in her bed. Hopefully she’ll just snooze.

FWIW I think the mother of the girls could be doing something to help her daughters be less phobic around dogs - but it’s up to her, isn’t it.

If I were you I would apologise and back down, OP. For the sake of long term good relations within the group.

Part of why we’re in a mess is because people can’t seem to say no to their children. Or other people’s now apparently.

@QuarryQueen i’ve had another thought about this - does the dog need to be shut in one room? Or does it just need to be shut away from the children? Meaning that if they are in your DDs bedroom, or the living room, the dog is not there but dog can mooch about the rest of the house no bother? I can’t see why that would cause distress. Depends how big your house is obviously but does it really need to be thought of as shutting the dog in one room, or is it more a case of it just isn’t in the same room as the play date. Very different imo

Why not invite them? They’re free to make requests, and I’m free to accommodate or not depending on the request. It’s up to them if they want to accept or decline.

Likely someone enough to invite them to your house doesn’t mean you like them enough to bend over backwards to accommodate them. Or that you even can accommodate them, regardless of any fondness, or lack thereof, you have for them.

I think a lot of the posters on here have never had an elderly dog. As with humans, elderly dogs can become anxious and confused. We have two elderly dogs, one who's personality hasn't changed much at all, but the other has become very clingy and stressed in certain situations.

No one would suggest leaving granny in a room alone if it would stress her out to the point she would be vomiting and shaking uncontrollably, despite the fact that granny used to be quite happy sitting in a room by herself out of the way of the children.

To suggest putting the poor dog in a room and stressing her/him to the point of her vomiting is down right cruel. The op offered to tether the dog out of reach of the children, that compromise wasn't enough, and fair enough. The children can just not go on this one playmate, no need to try to stir up trouble.

Except that it wasn't refused in a blunt and rude manner.

A guest making a request is reasonable, in certain circumstances. If a host can't accommodate that exact request but offers alternative solutions that's also reasonable and it's polite. Which the OP did.

It's not reasonable or polite for a guest to then get huffy because they don't get what they want. Especially when it means an unwell, elderly, sentient being would suffer as a result.

It’s always been ‘me me me’. As in fact the other mother is demonstrating by insisting her child comes before the OP’s dog.

Frankly if people are going to be dicks about it, they aren’t very nice anyway so it’s no loss. There will be other people for the OP’s DD to be friends with during the next 13 years of her school career. The other mother sounds a little batshit.

'kinell, is this stll going? 😂

No, we are in a mess because dogs are everywhere and cause so many people so much bother. If there weren't dogs, this whole gathering could have gone ahead with no problems. We are in a mess because people are putting dogs above their own children.

Yes you are perfectly entitled to be a bad host

In my opinion the way it was phrased was blunt and rude and lacked any sort of empathy or social skill. You can disagree all you want I couldn’t care less .

Like the mother in this case, then.

The world doesn't revolve around her dog.

See what happens when you get all individualistic, instead of accommodating other human beings? Two can play at that game. Everyone insisting on what THEY want and having no manners or social skills towards others in their community makes for an unhappy community.

Preach that, sister.

So the OP should let her elderly dog get extremely distressed for the benefit of some CF and her kids? Nah.

Bloody this. I love my cats and dogs but I’m aware that they’re not human!

As placid as a dog can be on a day to day basis in its own home there’s no guarantee it won’t snap when a group of children are in its home.

Won’t someone think of the children!