AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I often shut my dog away because it wasn’t fair on him to have kids being rough

She’s not unreasonable to ask, you’re not unreasonable to say no. She is unreasonable for her reaction to your reply.

It’s your house and your rules. If she doesn’t like it she can politely decline and say that she’ll host the next at hers!

My daughter was terrified of dogs and it made no difference how cute and placid your dog was. We would politely ask if it’s ok, most said yes, a couple said no and gave me the same lecture about “it’s their home I won’t shut them away” stuff, when all they had to say is “no sorry that wouldn’t work for us”. It was fine for someone to refuse, my daughter just understood and would be happy not to go, but the tone and attitude is unnecessary.

In your position I’d be wondering why the mother doesn’t use this as an opportunity to try and reassure her daughters about dogs. It must be really exhausting for them being so scared of dogs. A really reliable, friendly dog is a bit of a gift to show them most dogs are nothing to be scared of.
I guess that’s her call though and doesn’t help you work out what to do.

It would be good for the girls to come and spend the afternoon with a dog that completely ignored them because then they would learn that their fears were unwarranted. Can you try and explain this to their mother?
I have an 11 year old cocker spaniel that would definitely not hurt any children but I would still shut him away in these circumstances because he might sniff them or even get a bit lively. He would cry and I wouldn’t be happy about it, but needs must. However, if you’re 100 per cent sure your dog won’t do anything the children or their mother could complain about then you are not being unreasonable to refuse to shut him out.

There is a huge disconnect between people who like dogs and can’t appreciate that others may not feel the same. The same is true in reverse where people who don’t like dogs can’t understand why anyone would put an animal ahead of another human.

You won't change that which means that both you and the other parent will feel each other is being unreasonable.

I’m no fan of dogs and wouldn’t accept a play date at a house where a dog was present but equally wouldn’t make a fuss about it and expect others to change their arrangements. If my DS was friends with someone who had a dog I’d invite them to our house for play dates instead.

If a child was rough around or to my dogs, their parents would be called to collect them.

And yes, I would shut my dog away for a few hours. It’s absolutely fine for her.

No pets and never had a dog (cat
person) but I voted YANBU. One thing to ask you to ensure your dog doesn’t jump on her daughter (reasonable) but quite another to insist you lock it away (unreasonable). She needs to get her children to overcome their fear rather than making silly demands and exposure to a docile dog sounds like the ideal way to do it tbh.

No. It wouldn’t. The girls would be on high alert and anxious. No amount of “the dog is friendly” helps a person who is afraid of dogs.

I’m a dog owner and have always said when having play dates I have a dog just to warn the parent and child first.
Even though my dog will either lick you to pieces or ignore you if told to leave I always offer to put the dog away in another room if needed.

My 7 year old at the time went to another house and felt uncomfortable around their dog as it was yapping - very small breed - at them constantly, they asked for it to be put away and the parent said of course no problem.

I will always try and accommodate where possible as I understand not everyone loves dogs like us. I guess it also depends how upset your dog gets at being shut away.

I did suggest this later on as she seemed embarrassed of their reaction when we were on the way to the park that day but she just said "I've tried everything" and shut down me trying to offer a solution or compromise.

In your position I’d be wondering why the mother doesn’t use this as an opportunity to try and reassure her daughters about dogs.
Or the OP could use the opportunity to cure the dog's FOMO.

Surely an alternative location is a happy compromise?

Playdate still goes ahead, kids all happy, any tension between OP and the other mum hopefully diffused.

It didn't need to be all or nothing, the adults could have easily found a solution?

Yanbu.
I'd understand if it was a big, barky dog, but a placid small one, nah.

I always put my dog away when we have visitors. Scared or otherwise. I wouldn't want eight 5 year olds running round my dog, bothering her, feeding her, tripping over her. All our animals are kept out the way when we have groups of people over. I think it's pretty irresponsible to have a bunch of people that don't know the dog and the dog doesn't know just killing round eachother.

I’m a dog lover and have even a dog owner in the last but also the parent of a child who is very anxious around dogs - personally I think it’s really heartless that you couldn’t keep the dog away for a couple of hours for the sake of a small child enjoying spending time with your child

Personally, I'd remove any pets that would distress guests if possible. I grew up with dogs and we'd put them out of the way if folk were scared. Now I move my tarantulas when MIL is visiting cause she's scared of them. They literally can't get her - they're in enclosures - but fear isn't logical. Saying 'it's a friendly dog' or 'the tarantulas are in locked enclosures' doesn't remove the irrational fear.

I have a 12 year old dog who is excellent with children. I would offer to introduce him and show them how to stroke him. I wouldn't put him away if that would upset him

YANBU. It is yours and your dog’s home. I would never expect someone to shut their dog away in its own home, just as in our own home we don’t allow anyone to visit with dogs as we are too house proud. It is up to each person to decide the rules in their own home, and respect those as a visitor. I wouldn’t make a fuss about it, I’d politely suggest that I could meet you at the park another time, and not guilt trip you. It would probably do this child the world of good to get to know your dog and realise there is no issue with the vast majority of dogs.

I have a child.who is terrified of dogs and would react in this way. She is scared of all.dogs and I think you are displaying a real lack of compassion about this very common fear.

I try very hard to overcome her fear but I would be very sad if you couldn't find a work around so she could come to your house for a couple of hours.

I have a dog with separation anxiety so obviously I agree with you. I don't know if your dog's reaction is SA but it's described as being like a panic attack for them when they're left alone, it's cruel. But even if it's 'just' distress, it's unkind. The girls can choose not to come over if they're too afraid but the dog can't choose to go elsewhere. If it was any kind of safety risk I'd say YABU but it sounds like the girls just have a learned fear, probably from the mum, and missing out on some play dates is the unfortunate consequence. My SIL is scared of dogs but she works hard not to pass it on to the kids.

On another occasion then yes they can meet at a different location but that doesn't mean the OPs daughter can't ever have playdate at her own house.

On this occasion the children's mother could have simply declined she didn't need to make it into a huge deal about her children missing out on one playdate.

Was going to say you are BU but if your dog is truly placid and upset by being shut away then YANBU. This Mum and all you Mums who have children with dog phobia, please do your DC a very big favour and get them exposure therapy for the dog phobia if there is any way that you can afford it. Their lives will be so much better living without this phobia.

My girl is 12 years old. We never need to shut her away, she is very calm and doesn't bother anyone. She will be shut away when we are out and is fine with that, she just sleeps, but if she knows people are in she will cry at the door and becomes quite stressed. This has happened recently when we had builders in I shut her away for about an hour - she cried the whole time and when she came out she was shaking and stressed.