AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Dogs are everywhere. If the child has issues seeing dogs then she should get used to not having as many play dates.

I was thinking the same. I wonder how this mum is trying to help her children with their fear. Dogs are (a precious in my view) part of this earth and I find it sad that the joy they can bring is spoilt by such fear. Ultimately each of you is entitled to do as they want, but she sounds OTT to be fuming

I’d have had some sympathy with the other mother until she was rude enough not to accept that you make the rules in your own house. It’s even worse of her to be publicly fuming and encourage others in the group to form opinions. Rude, cheeky fucker doesn’t deserve to be invited anywhere with that attitude.

I would ask a friend to look after my dog for a few hours, or take them for a walk.

I don’t think shutting the dog away is fair on the dog or on the girls who are afraid of them; potentially the dog could escape or the girls could encounter the dog in the house, anyway.

I wouldn’t want to discourage the children not to come to the playdate, it’s unfair to leave them out.

You don't have to shut your dog away and they don't have to come. It's pretty simple. It's good you are both clear. She should not be escalating it to other people.

For balance though : My daughter is very scared of dogs after a terrifying experience when she was 3 when a very large dog chased her, knocked her over and growled at her. I honestly thought she was going to get mauled.

Now (6-7 years later) she will freeze or cry if dogs come near her. If she is in a park sometimes dogs will wander up and without fail the owner will say "oh he's very friendly" /would you like to stroke him which does not help someone that is genuinely scared. There is an inherent presumption that my DD is being silly or unreasonable to be scared. All she wants is for the dog to be moved away from her.

You don't have to shut your dog away at home but you are very dismissive of what sounds like a deep rooted fear.

I have a child who is terrified of dogs - properly terrified as in she vomits if one gets too close. Would you come over for a playmate if I had my tarantula wondering around? If not YABU because it won't hurt you and doesn't like being shut away from people 🙄

See I think you need to work with your dog on being left alone.

With a house full of unknown children I wouldn't let my dog loose amongst them.

He is very friendly towards children, loves all children like they are his own, would alert bark when an adult approaches the fence but quickly turns into a wiggly bum when told "friends, say hi"

However he is a German Shepherd, he is big, and he is an animal. Despite being healthy you never know when a dog could be feeling off.

Your dog is older, has poor vision and potentially sore joints. If a child falls on your dog, or grabs a sore spot, or gets in their face because they don't know how to behave around dogs then you could be left wishing you had used a baby gate to separate them.

I think yabu, children before dogs.

I always shut my dogs away it's one less thing to worry about I tell them to go to bed give them a fuss and let them out when the kids have gone.

I was thinking that no-one was BU until it got to the point where the other mother threw a strop and tried to dictate what you can and can't do in your own home!

I can see both sides here, but ultimately it's your house and she was a downright CF to go off like that making demands and guilt tripping. Any sane person would have have said thanks but declined on this occasion.

I wouldn’t let my children go to a house with a dog. Owners tend to forget that dogs aren’t people.

I think your house your rules but as someone with a dog phobia I really wish people wouldn't suggest spending time with 'docile dogs' as a way to to get over a phobia. Even 'docile dogs' (in the owners view) can jump up or approach people. I never see people with a spider phobia being told to spend time with a 'docile tarantula'.

She has a space out of the way she can take herself if she wants to. She is placid, sociable and just wants to potter around looking what I'm doing really. You may think it's irresponsible based on your dog but based on my dog I know that's how she's happiest. We always monitor them closely if she is interacting with the children and I make expectations of being around her clear and teach the children how to be gentle and respectful of animals.

Well your daughter won't be able to attend this party.

What's wrong with politely declining the invitation?

I love dogs and had one that was reactive.

It boils down to how much you care about your kid having a relationship with these mums’ kids.

If you care, maybe get a dogwalker to take the pup out?

If you don’t, I do get it, it’s the dog’s home.

Hold it at one of the others’ homes? Hers?

No one is making the child go to the house though. It’s not unreasonable to not shut a dog (or tarantula) away as the other person can just say they’re not coming, which also isn’t unreasonable.

Trying to tell someone they have to shut their animal in another room is very unreasonable,

Do you mind me asking what you'd expect to happen in a similar situation? If you were going to a friend's house with an elderly dog for example?

I don't need to be asked to shut ours out. Just because I love my dogs and they know me well they don't know the people coming in and would never ever take a chance that a kid pulled there ears or something. That's why got a stair gate for the rare times i need to

They don't have to come if they can't be around even an aged placid dog. If it was a big aggressive dog it would be another thing. I don't see why the other mums know or have an opinion. .

I shut our dog away for play dates unless it’s a child I know well. She’s a very gentle old girl (she’s 13 now!) but some kids aren’t used to dogs and are frightened and it’s not my place to offer unsolicited exposure therapy. Also children who are scared of dogs can react erratically and scare a dog or inadvertently hurt them. I’ve seen before when walking her a kid screaming and trying to kick out at her when she was nowhere near.

I also shut my dog away when we have workmen in, that sort of thing. Not everyone likes dogs, much as I love them!

But then my dog is fine with being in another room for an hour or two. She just sleeps.

I do think that they were rude to reply to you like that though.

Your house your rules. I don't like my child around strange dogs so would potentially turn the play date down. I have a dog of similar age and temperament but I would never have him around other people's children. I don't think you can ever 100pc know.

I'm leaning towards yabu. However I do understand that your dog is older and may be upset by being in another room. I do have my own dog, who loves being around people and hates being left out but in this situation I would absolutely put her in a different room.

You must have very limited play dates. What if you go into a cafe that is dog friendly? Or you pass by a dog in the street?