AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

It’s not a ‘choice’ - she is doing what is best for her. If the parents are okay with the kid screaming hysterically every time she sees a dog then great - but they have to understand that people won’t bend over backwards to support the kid

Dogs are pack animals, placing them away from others is cruel, causes anxiety.

God, some of these replies are bloody frustrating. Luckily for you, OP, it’s your dog, your house, your guests, your rules. So you get to inform others on how things will be and others get to choose whether or not to come along. It’s as simple as that really. You’re under no obligation to do anything else. If my children had an invitation to someone’s house and they had an XL bully then I would decline (others would accept and be ok with this situation). I wouldn’t ask the owners to remove the dog from the property because I would like my children to not miss out. It would be my decision and I’d confidently stick to that without creating some strange playground drama over it.

Yes, pay someone to take your 12 year old dog with spinal injury on a long walk op. Bonus points if it’s over 25 degrees. This child simply cannot miss out. Accommodate her whatever the circumstances!

I don't get why you'd want your elderly dog in amongst all of those kids and people anyway. I have a cat but my brother has a dog and for parties, bbqs etc he goes upstairs or to family for his own comfort and to not get under people's feet. He's also very old and slow. Sounds like 9 adults and more than 9 kids.

2 family members that come to us maybe once every few years are a little allergic to my cat, so to be a good hostess id put her upstairs and ensure the place was clean of hair etc.

Although the idea of them meeting a placid dog and getting used to dogs is a good one in theory, I think if its that busy its not the time or place. Perhaps worth offering for a more peaceful time.

If you dont accommodate these children's fears (sounds like terrified and not just worried) and they miss out then dont expect sweetness and light from their mum or the mums that disagree. For me, its not the basis for a considerate friendship.

I don't see why the dog can't be in another part of the house for a couple of hours - I don't buy OP's many excuses - but there is absolutely NO talking to people who are dog-pains.

Do you think that children who would be too scared to play in the garden if there’s a dog on a leash, are going to want to play in a house where a dog is howling?

It’s the summer holidays- why would the play date only be for a couple of hours?

Of course your pets are more important to you than other people's children, but children in general are more important than animals.

If you want to be bolshie and insist that your animals come above all the humans in your life, that's your choice, of course. But don't expect that attitude to foster good relationships with the people in your life. If you invite family over for Xmas lunch, for example, and someone is allergic to your pet, or has a phobia, and you won't accommodate them, they will assume that you don't like or care about them very much. Which would be a great pity if it was someone you liked or loved.

QuarryQueen I can’t believe what a hard time you’re getting, I’m completely bemused. You’ve made countless suggestions to the mum, explained to posters about other scared children that have been fine once they’ve met your dog, and answered questions about your dog’s behaviour. As well as this you’ve given background information on your dog’s old age and health condition.

I’m not a dog person at all, but I’m on your side, you’ve tried to be accommodating to the family and answered questions from posters clearly and politely and you’re still getting pelters for prioritising your dog.

You’re very patient and tolerant and I applaud you.

Preach it sister.

That’s fine - so the children don’t come over. The OP is teaching her child to be caring and responsible for a vulnerable creature. With the importance placed on ‘kindness’ these days, she’s doing the right thing.

One of the suggested threads that popped up below is the predicament: "my kid is left out of things because he's scared of dogs. Aibu to expect people to make accommodations for him"

And the answers are resoundingly (in the first pages anyway) that she is unreasonable and you can't shut dogs away in their own home.

This thread has got really heated for some reason in the opposite direction!

I don't know why OP is getting a hard time at all.

I don't see why the dog can't be in another part of the house for a couple of hours - I don't buy OP's many excuses - but there is absolutely NO talking to people who are dog-pains.

Do you find comprehension difficult? Do you think Op might know her dog better than you?

Totally agree. We've alway had dogs and when dc were younger and their friends came round I automatically kept it away from the kids if any of them weren't keen. It's what you do when you host, consider everyone's feelings.

Hosts must accommodate requests?!

Gosh if I'd have known that when at my friend's last week I would have asked to sleep in the master bedroom and take home her Wedgewood tea service I took a fancy to. And her White company shower gel.

Damn.

You are certifiable.

Of course her dog is more important. Kids are going to have one hell of a hard life when they realise no one is going to pander to them and their attention seeking.
my dog is one of our family. I prefer him to my kids. He's more polite, nicer, and smells better.
Kids will come and go but your dog will love you unconditionally.

But if you don’t want to accommodate the guests then why invite them?
Surely most people know that others have needs or requirements that differ from their own? Would you not accommodate an allergy? Surely it’s a case of asking what the guests needs are (any dietary requirements and are they ok with pets? It’s a standard question pre-play date) and then trying to meet their needs in order to be a good host, if you actually want people to come to your house. If you don’t like the people enough to make the effort for them to come then why bother with the invite?!

Except the dog who will be vomiting, howling and shaking in this case. Her feelings don’t count.

or OP and her kids who will most likely be upset to see their pet in that state.

it’s an invite to a play date which the other mum doesn’t have to accept and her dd’s will only be upset if she makes a big deal of it - otherwise they wouldn’t even know

OP can do whatever she likes, but she must accept that there are social consequences for being mean to children.

Do your kids know that? I'm glad you're not my Mum.

What is this idea people have that children in general should be ‘more important’ than people’s own pets (that they are responsible for).

The OP isn’t threatening to shut the kid in the house with the dog FFS - she’s just refusing to deal with something that isn’t her problem.

If the other mothers want to tantrum about it then great - less hassle all round

Originally I would have said you were being unreasonable but I have now read all of your updates.

My youngest is scared of dogs (not to the extent of the children mentioned though, he just tried to avoid them/will stop walking/move away if he sees one when we are out despite it being on a lead and never having had a bad experience with a dog). So in my situation I would appreciate the dog being put somewhere else during the play date, however if you came back to me to explain the distress to the dog in being shut in a separate room I would have happily arranged a compromise with you, such as a lead or a dog gate so they can see and hear but not get through. My sister has dogs and when we visited they sorted dog gates so they could all be relatively happy. Of course my son is not as scared as these children, however their mum seems completely unwilling to try some sort of compromise.

🤨

OP Will your dd be able to relax and play if her dog is howling? I’m not sure that all of the kids would relax with a howling dog too.

No, i wouldn't shut a dog away, for hours, who would be distressed by doing so. Especially as they don't understand why and you can't explain to them. Dog is elderly and will surely need a bathroom break too, how will you know when they need to go? Does the mum expect you to risk dog going in the house, which will distress dog and could be a difficult and unpleasant for you to clean up?

The mother is making her daughters fears worse by playing in to it, dogs are becoming more and more common in places they previously weren't allowed (cafes etc) fear of things with no bad experience is a learned behaviour and she's just reinforcing it.
If her kids miss out that's on her.

Being ‘mean’? Don’t be ridiculous. She’s not being ‘mean’ and anyone who decides someone deserves ‘social consequences’ needs to get a grip.

The children are going to have to get used to being excluded in life because of their ridiculous reaction. Fine to be scared of dogs, but screaming and crying is just likely to draw the attention of the dog anyway.