AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I have a dog and wouldn’t shut him away for a play date. He is fine being left in the house on his own, but he wouldn’t be fine being locked away while we are in. Like yours he would cry and he would scratch at the door to get out.

i think you’ll just need to say you’re sorry, but you can’t lock the dog away, but if everyone rather meet at another house/the park/softplay etc that’s fine.

also there must be a reason why they are so scared. They wouldn’t just both be terrified for no reason. My son has a friend who is quite scared of dogs but I didn’t know until he was staying at our house. He didn’t like the dog but by the end of the sleepover he was fine with being in the same room as him and even went near him a couple of times. So I agree it would be good for the girls, while they are still young, to be around a placid dog.

DS1 was terrified of dogs- don't know why. I would just ask people if they had dogs if invited. If yes, I would propose a playdate at mine or outside. Never, ever would I ask someone to shut their dog away! YANBU @QuarryQueen. My DS now love dogs btw.

I really can’t see the big deal with popping the dog in a different room for the duration of a play date, and I wouldn’t mind this request at all. We have two dogs and I adore them, they are amazing with my children, never had any issues or concerns, but I’d want the children visiting to be comfortable in my home and for the sake of the length of a play date popping the dogs into a separate room wouldn’t be an issue at all.

I was also a child who was terrified of dogs for no reason whatsoever, and did grow out of it, but I know what its like to just be scared of something and a play date is not the time or place to force the issue.

But she won’t be upset because she won’t be there.

Why are there so many children afraid of dogs? What do the parents to to help them get over it? Do they even try or pretend its normal?

I always shut mine away for my childrens friends - I want them to feel comfortable and tbh it's a nightmare having shrieking children about!! I give the dog a bone/ chew treat, their bed etc and shut them away for a few hours. Seems a no brainer

Can you keep her on lead? Or tether her to the trampoline? Then she's not alone but there's zero chance of her approaching a child while she's snuffling around.

Why not tell them they can come along, but you can shut them (the kids) away in an upstairs bedroom, it's only for a couple of hours, so they won't mind. I'm not a dog or animal person, but I understand that this is your dogs home. I also have children who are quite frightened of dogs, in this situation I'd explain the dog is placid and quite old and will have 0 interest in them, it would actually do them good to be around a dog and see that not all dogs are jumpy/reactive.

Don't shut your poor dog away.

I hated being asked to do this. Nicest dogs in the world when my kids were little.

And the irony is, making loud noises, screeching and wailing and flailing your arms about like that child was doing is the very thing that can make a dog nervous and whip it up. Staying quiet with your arms by your side, most well trained ones (like OPs - oh wait, AND THE ONE IN THE PARK) would just ignore you.
I was told as a child by my uncle who had 4 large labs 'arms up, dog up, arms down, dog down.

Shame the feckless mother didn't get the memo about that one.

We are doing other playdates at different houses, the park and a farm. My daughter just asked if her friends could come to her house and play this time around.

My dog is placid, I still put him away whenever we have playdates at our house. Who knows how other children might react. Not worth the risk to me.

My daughter is terrified of dogs we couldn’t go to a play date with one. As a host I’m surprised you can’t just pop the dog in another room for a couple of hours it seems like you’re trying to make a point.

I'm totally with you on this one.My elderly dog takes priority and so much can go wrong when they're put out of their routine.
Some children struggle with animals but that's not your problem.

I’m in two minds about this because I would shut my dogs away for any play date mostly for their sake. They wouldn’t do anything (you can never be 100 percent they are animals) but I’d more worried about the kids annoying them etc. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable thing to ask but it’s also not unreasonable to say no. Her reaction to you saying no was unreasonable! If her kids are that scared of dogs and she’s doing nothing to help the fear then they will miss out

I don't think it is fair to judge parents for how DC react to their phobias. As phobias go, dogs that are often a similar size to small children and can if they want to hurt them, are way more rational than most phobias.

I suggested I could tether her on a long lead which wouldn't reach the play area but she said they won't go into the garden if the dog is there.

Team dog here, the kids sound ridiculous to be quite so terrified (based on how you said they reacted to a dog in the street) and they need to be around nice dogs to get used to them. Move the play date to someone’s house without a dog if it’s that much of an issue.

I’m a dog (and child owner) my dog wouldn’t like being put away but if a child was petrified I would on this one occasion and just not invite them again! As my house is a dog friendly environment which isn’t suitable for them! The mum is being very entitled

Honestly - i would shut the dog away. I have dogs and they are locked away from kids on any playdate - they are great with kids/very friendly but it isnt worth the risk for one and some children are not nice around dogs - so for everyone safety i remove them before anyone comes in my house - adult or child!

#teambeagle 🐶

The poor dog gets very distressed being shut away in another room. That's not 'making a point' , it's considering the welfare of her pet.

Two dogs, 2 and 11.

4 years ago, We were walking our beautiful calm dog, then aged 7, through a quiet Yorkshire village. Of course on a lead. A little girl, about 6, walked past with her mum, and started to absolutely lose it. Screaming, going wild. Even then our poor dog didn't even look at her. The mum explained that her daughter was terrified of all dogs so we just smiled and wished them a nice day.

Now, that dog is 11 and we also have a 2 year old dog. We also have two new nieces, twins, aged 5. They, too, scream every time they see a dog. No bad experiences. Just been yanked away from dogs every time they're walked past one, so now all dogs scare them. Their mother absolutely refuses to bring the girls to see us. It's not that we won't handle the dogs responsibly - she won't bring them round either way.

Everyone is PERFECTLY safe with the older dog. She is so calm, she's actually well known in our area and everyone stops to pet her. The vets look forward to her visits. She inspired my sister to get her own dog. Yet, I never forgot that girl screaming in her presence.

Yes we would probably have to put the younger one behind a baby gate if the twins ever visited, but like hell I'd put the older one in a room.

Your dog
Your house
Your rules
Her problem.

She is a CF
As an invited guest you don't get to dictate what happens in other people's houses.

Your house your rules but she is also right not to bring her children round.

My middle child was scared of big dogs and my friend who had an Alsatian was lovely enough to secure her dog away when they had playdates. My child had a bad experience (with a "friendly" dog when they were younger, now they are better around most dogs but still don't like being around big dogs. I also have a small dog and I'd secure the dog away anyway, for their sake.