AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Phobic children will act unpredictably around the dog and may scare them or make them act differently to normal. For this reason I would leave things as they are. The phobic children should not have to be placed in a scary situation and you are perfectly within your rights to dictate how you run things in your own home

If you want them to come, shut the dog away, if you’re not bothered for them to come then don’t.

my Dc was terrified of dogs for no good reason and while I appreciate the world doesn’t revolve around them I wouldn’t have taken her to someone’s house where I knew they would be terrified and on edge the whole time.

Exactly. I’ve done that for various reasons, including not liking the child’s father, not trusting both parents, the child being nasty etc.)

Putting aside the standard very placid and wouldn’t hurt anyone line

any dog turn so irrespective if the kids are frightened or not I’d shut the dog away anyway it’s the responsible thing to do

If she doesn't want to come that's fine.

We’ve always had dogs and no way would they be shut away in their own house. Any of my kids friends who didn’t like dogs we either met up outside of the house with the dogs at home or, more frequently, my girls decided that they didn’t want to be friends with people who didn’t love what they saw as this furry brother.

Don't have dogs. Not comfortable around dogs myself, my children are fine around dogs they know eg in school but less so around unfamiliar dogs.

I think the mum was reasonable to ask, you were reasonable to say no, and she is totally unreasonable for kicking off about it. She has to accept that her children can't go to houses with dogs in them if they are scared of dogs.

I just understand why those saying you're unreasonable don't think she just just politely turn the invite down.

The bottom line is she doesn't need to attend every playdate and in all honesty if both her and her sibling are that afraid I doubt the dog being in another room will be enough to encourage them to not be anxious.

I wouldn’t kick off if I was the other mum, but I would roll my eyes. I love animals, but I don’t force my guests to love them, too.

Not a dog owner but am wary of unknown dogs.

nobody is unreasonable as such.

your house so you get to decide.
she can ask but has to accept the answer as it’s not her home.
I would be grateful if dog owners didn’t make assumptions about phobias but it’s up to you if you decide to put the dog in another room. If it will cause the animal distress then you can make the choice to protect the dog. The family will have to decline the invite.

it’s not an essential visit so next time you can meet elsewhere.

Dogs are all around, everywhere. One day DC is going to have to live with this. You have asked if the child would like to have a playdate in your house. Your home your rules. It is different in a park where there are lots of dogs.

The children who are scared and screaming are unbalanced. They need to stop the screaming as any animal could be triggered by the noise. It's ok not to like or be scared of something but not to scream.

I have a big dog (lab/shep mix), he is fantastic with children, but I shut him away for every playdate because some dogs turn on people and you don't know what will trigger them and if that will ever happen and I never want to be responsible for that with another person's child. If the person wants your dog out, they will ask where he is and if he can come from his room/crate. It isn't worth worrying about, even if you have a bombproof dog.

I think it is normal to shut dog away when you have large groups of small children around that aren't familiar with your dog.

No she hasn’t bloody tried everything. Has she taken her kid for intensive phobia therapy? Taken her by the hand and approached a friendly dog to show it is ok? Done exposure treatment? I doubt it.

Of course not. She scooped her squalling child up and comforted her, thus giving her an idea that there is something to be 3 of.

The problem is entirely the mother’s for pandering to it. Dogs are a part of society and the kid is bound to see one one day.

Enjoy the play date with the other children and let your lovely dog enjoy your home. Oh wait. It’s HER home too

Don’t have dogs but when we have gone to playdates with families that have dogs they’ve generally kept the, apart, it’s fine for us DC loves dogs and they are quickly let back out but I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. Not everyone is comfortable with dogs and these kids sound down right terrified. What you might find is while they are around they may get curious about them and want to stroke them then you can bring your dog out for a quick stroke while you hold him, you may find they have just never been close to dogs before and thats where the fear comes from.

I know it’s not your job to do this but as someone who had only ever met crazy dogs someone kindly introduced me to their family dog this way and it changed my perspective on dogs quite a lot. Love them now. Edited to say I am still wary of any new dog we meet with DC.

Your dog sounds very placid, and just the kind of animal that her dc need to meet. But can you arrange for just one dc at a time (and the mum) to meet your dog somewhere safe, familiar, quiet?

One of my dgc was terrified of our dog [she thought the dog would eat her] but with patience, she was eventually brave enough to stroke her tummy, then eventually her head, then to let the dog lick her (without eating her!). It was such a joy to see dgc and dog running around together. It took a while, but so worth it.

I don't think you are wrong, but I can see why a child in an unfamiliar place with a 'scary' dog would not work.

I have a dog and I’d happily shut her away for a brief time if I had visitors.

I think YABVU. I always ask before anyone comes to mine if they are ok with dogs, not everyone needs my dog in their face regardless of how much I adore her.

If a child is genuinely terrified of something why be cruel? Just put the dog away for a bit

My 11 yr old schnauzer goes to my mil if we want to do a playdate at home, anything like that you can do?

I have 2 barky but very friendly dogs that love children making a fuss of them but if a little girl was afraid of dogs I'd keep my dogs in a different room before they came. It's just for a couple of hours and I'd give my dogs a treat each to chew on.

I'm not really pro dog...can't be bothered with them tbh.

But, you say and assure your dog is very placid so really I wouldn't be bothered if my kids were around it. I woukd be around my kids anyway in a dog environment to check it out. I wouldn't be just dropping my kids off where there was a dog.

The thing is, OP, you’ve seen their reaction to dogs. Do you want your old girl being screamed at, shouted at hysterically, probably scaring the life out of her? I think the ideal solution now is that they just don’t come, but if it was the choice between my dog getting fomo in another room for two hours or getting screamed at by hysterical, terrified children, I know which I would choose. My dog would find that level of screaming and noise horrible.

Parent does need to sort out the issues as it’s not a feasible way to live, but that’s their job.

Unfortunately the people who usually have her for us are away so not an option this time but may be in the future.

This. They're going to have a difficult life if they're going to have hysterics whenever they see a dog and I actually think it's negligent of parents to not deal with this sort of thing. Being in a place with a quiet dog that minds her own business while all their friends just crack on with having a nice time will do them good - until now, they've been egging each other on with their extreme reactions.

Tell her to feel free to not visit ?