AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

As a dog owner for a playdate with a kid whose terrified of dogs I'd shut them away as a one off. Not worth upsetting the child that badly.

Your house, your rules.
I wouldn't shut the dog away. If I was the other mum I'd see it as a good opportunity for her kids to spend some time with a placid dog. They'd probably learn from the other kids that there's nothing to be scared of.

Don't have dogs.

No I wouldn't lock them away.

The children cannot expect that their fears will be pandered to forever.

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable, it’s perfectly normal to have dogs shut away at times surely? Especially around children

The world doesn't revolve around her children

Can you not give your dog to a friend / family member while they're over? She isn't being personal just understandably trying to avoid them having a meltdown for the entire playdate; which would either result in the dog being shut away anyway or the girls leaving early AKA disaster.

If it was me I would give my dog to a relative during this time if possible; if not then just shut them away for a few hours. Your dog will get over it, unlikely the other party will. Also in future just have playdates elsewhere if those 2 girls will be coming.

Absolutely no way would I be upsetting an elderly animal in its own home!

I would suggest she organises another playdate if she's that concerned. I wouldn't be shutting my dog away if it would distress them and in all honesty given their response at the park it would probably benefit them to try to overcome their dislike of dogs sooner rather than later.

My daughter is 3 and scared of dogs. She says to my mum friends please put doggy in garden. And my friend always does. I am ever so grateful.

my SIL has a huge untrained dog and I basically won’t go there as it puts it paws on my toddlers shoulders. All 3 kids scared of the dog and personally I find it a pain

I have dogs and happily shut them away if needs be.

A dog should be able to cope for an hour or two away from a human in its own home.

I can see both sides

But a house full of people including noisy kids... I would probably arrange for the dog to be somewhere safe as not sure if that is in their interest either

Poor hostessing skills.

neither of you are unreasonable but just be prepared that she won’t come.
I also don’t feel comfortable around random dogs and you never know how a dog reacts around noisy and loud children.

One of mine was afraid of dogs and I am
still grateful to the parents of his friends who had dogs, that they took his fears on board and kept their dogs separate when he was there.

She is not wrong to ask, you are not wrong to refuse, she is not wrong to decline given your refusal and her children's fear of dogs. Everyone here is just doing what works best for them.

She is unreasonable to be fuming and to make her choice to decline into such a drama.

When we had dogs they were always kept away when we had visiting children regardless of if they where scared or not.

For the dogs ease and peace and for having one less thing to keep an eye on just in case.

Yabu its a dog and really should be out of the way if you had workmen etc over too.
However she should just say no.
Also many people who would say they will shut it away will accidentally let the animal out anyway.

YANBU. We have dogs and I’ve never been prepared to keep them in a separate room from guests. One child had an allergy so we used to go to a soft play rather than them have a play date at our house which we were fine with. Other than that though, if kids wanted to come to our house, the dogs were around. They could ignore them and the dogs wouldn’t bother them, or they could just not come. Thankfully my kids were friends with kids who loved our dogs and the other animals we have.

Be prepared for the children not to come though, which also isn’t unreasonable.

I think it's your house and if you don't want to shut the dog away (it sounds like it'll be for several hours) then that's ok. She asked, you said sorry no, it's her decision whether her children attend or not. (I'd be giving a different answer if your dog was aggressive or nervous or not used to children). I'd keep the playdate but maybe organise a park or leisure centre get-together in a couple of weeks so that her children can come along to that.

I'd have just said in my original reply to the mum confirming that I wouldn't shut dog away that we should just move playdate to the park.

Or the other mum should have suggested it, there was no need for it to escalate.

Maybe she should host instead?

I would shut my dog away if I had a child coming over who was terrified of dogs. It's entirely up to you, though.

If I were the other mother and you'd said you wouldn't shut the dog up then I'd decline to send my child for a playdate. I think she's wrong to be criticising you. She asked, you said no, and I wouldn't bring my child to your house.

Fair enough to ask. Not fair enough to then complain if the answer is not what she wanted.

I am a mum with a child who is scared of dogs. Yes, your house your rules, but there must be a middle ground of keeping the dog around you but also ensuring the girls can ‘feel safe’ and get used to it?
I think I would try with the dog in the room and if it got too much then move it out. In relation to the dog, will it be happy with so many strange people in the house?

We had a much loved dog growing up and put her away when anyone scared visited. Please put your dog away, I won’t put a dog over a child.

I don't think it needed to be rearranged to a new location. She has the option not to attend. Also it seems they can't go to the park either because there will be dogs at the park.