Rude Dd answering back

[Constantheadachesgoaway]

Please does anyone have any advice

Dd is 8, very bright, funny, kind, but can change sometimes when frustrated/angry and shouts loudly, answers back and can say horrible things like calling us idiots etc. I get so cross back at her, but it makes things worse. When she’s calmed she often apologies and at that point i’m able to talk to her about how she can’t talk to us like that and so on. She listens, but then it happens again. She’s no trouble at school, hard working, lots of friends, doing really well with all her work, never in trouble.
Is this normal? What do I do?
I would have never dreamed of speaking to my parents or answering back the way she does
Feel like i’m failing as a parent

What are the consequences of her shouting at you and being rude?

I would have never dreamed of speaking to my parents or answering back the way she does

So why do you allow it?

I always told mine that they could go to their room and stay there until they can talk to me civilly and apologise. Very calm, very quiet.

When they did, I'd ask them how they'd feel if I was talking to them like they were to me, calling them an idiot, etc. How would they feel if a friend talked to them like that? A teacher? Would they talk to a teacher like that, and if so, what would happen?

And you're not failing as a parent, so long as you are not accepting this behaviour from them.

I always said, their job as kids was to push on the boundary fences. My job was to hold them.

This is what I need help with

I need advice please for how to stop it, that’s what i’m asking

I’ve tried this but in the moment, she shouts and screams the house down, there’s no talking to her or being able to control her, it’s horrendous

We have zero tolerance for rudeness, from anyone in the family including adults.
I would explain very carefully how intolerable life would be of we all spoke rudely to each other.
Furthermore, he or she who speaks rudely will never achieve their aim. A well-crafted polite request or argument is always going to have a much better chance of success

I’m asking for advice, nothing we’ve tried is working, i’m asking for help

She’s trying hence asking for advice on a parenting app!

She has been allowed to be rude and disrespectful for a long time, you'll need to work to set boundaries.

So there is currently no consequence?

The next time she does it, you send her to her room and tell her to stay there until she can speak politely. You also punish her with something like loss of TV privileges or not being allowed to do something she was looking forward to.

Currently you just speak to her calmly about it? You’re allowing her to do it so she’ll continue.

Thank you x

Walk away, do not engage, take away all treats,

It hasn’t been long, she wasn’t like this when younger

You need to tell us what you've tried so far OP.

Ive tried no tv, no playing with her friends etc

Soon as she starts, turn your back on her and ignore her. Can you move her into her room and shut the door?

For how long?

Do you actually follow through with the consequences?

I'd talk to her when things are calm and discuss some strategies for how she can deal with her anger. Remind her that anger and frustration are fine and normal, but that being unpleasant isn't an acceptable way to deal with it.

Pick a couple of things that she can do (punch a pillow, go to her room, bounce on the trampoline or similar) and remind her to do this when she's getting angry.

Are there any particular flashpoints for her blowing up (straight after school, just before meals) that you can mitigate with a snack or just some quiet, low demand time when she needs it?

You need to do it again and again and again. Over and over. Every single time. It sound like you’ve given up.

Very hard in the moment but I would not engage and tell her to go to her room. That’s all. Shut the door to the room you are in. You can’t argue with someone who doesn’t argue back. Repeat - go to your room.

Once she’s calmed down I would be explaining consequences- no phone / tv the rest of the day. Or whatever you think appropriate. And explain what she did and why it’s not acceptable.

a few times of her losing privileges should help calm things down and make her think before she acts.

Yes, she’s always sorry, but then when angry or frustrated it happens again