DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

He is grooming you for worse down the line. Men like this never get nicer or more empathetic or kinder, especially once you are tied by property, marriage or kids.

This is the most fucked up thread .
Majority of women here focusing more on OP & her body confidence than anything else she is saying .

Exactly. Disturbing.

She's having her no violated by physical force, he's sexually assaulting her, but for too many here, it's her body confidence that's the problem.

Seriously fucked up.

I just think he’s a tosser & should be dumped .
She didn’t want him to finish on her face , he went to do it anyway.
She has said she’s not into vids or pics , so respect that, & stop being a prick asking her to do something she has repeatedly said she’s not into .
He sounds like a wanker to me & she will be well rid of him .

I’d just like to clear a few misconceptions, he has lived with me for 9 months which I mentioned. Also I don’t hate my body! I don’t feel great about my weight as I said but I don’t think I have this huge issue about how I view my own body, as it’s been pointed out the scenario we’re talking about is not just ‘seeing my vagina’ in the light of day it’s staring at it a few centimetres away in the position I was in and struggling we weren’t gearing up to have sex whatsoever either. Described quite accurately by a pp as an ‘amateur gynaecologist inspection’!

Again actually he has seen me naked lots of times it was the position I was in laid on top across of him on my back that I just felt quite vulnerable and exposed when it started coming off we weren’t engaging in foreplay I wasn’t wanting sex so no I didn’t want to be in that position completely naked with him fully dressed in that moment against my choice? He was making it slip off.

Thank you yes that sums up what I mean

So are you ending it? You thought his behaviour was wrong and lots of us here have backed you up. What next? There will be another time...are you waiting for that?

Exactly ! But I don’t think OP will end it as I don’t think she really sees the situation for how wrong it is ! He will keep doing it and it will prob escalate but OP will normalise it . This is what happens when you are with a narcissist. I have seen it happen to people close to me . I just hope she realises what is happening to her before it gets worse .😞

This is classic narcissistic behaviour and I hope she gets out before it gets worse !

I don’t think @diabolicalbanana will reply to you. The replies only come to the people who have missed the point of the thread.

OP is at serious risk of sexual harm and right now I would bet my house on it becoming worse until she is sexually assaulted or raped unless she leaves.

OP I don’t know if you have seen any of my posts on this thread, but my friend has been through this and I had to help pick up the pieces, unfortunately she ignored the very things that are happening to you. Please see this for what it is and get out now before he can do damage that cannot be undone

OP, I think you should try to ignore the posters who are telling you that there's something wrong with you because you don't want your consent ignored and you don't want him to look at your body intimately whenever he feels like it. They are missing the point and they just don't get it. I can't imagine that having your experience dismissed and being criticised for your feelings around physical force from your partner are doing your mental health any good. On every single thread, no matter what it is, some posters will make up any reason to get at the OP. Please just be aware that they are out there and they do it to get at you. As if they would like to be forced into doing sex things they don't want to do! You really are best off just ignoring them. It gives them a thrill to know that you've seen their message and are defending yourself against their crazy, irrational made-up criticisms. If it were me, I wouldn't waste my time justifying myself to those posters.

I don't think they even believe what they're saying. They just want to kick the OP for pleasure, no matter how little sense they make in doing so. Those types are on every single thread. What they want is the OP to be upset and/or tying themselves in knots trying to justify themselves. I'm guessing they get off on the sense of control.

You are disgusting. Reported.

I'm quoting a fictional bet.

He is not messing around. He wont ask for consent either.

He did not ask for consent last time.

Totally agree with this. Ironically, I always think posters like this must be pretty insecure - trying to make other people feel less-than so they can convince themselves they’re superior in some way. Either that, or they have spectacularly poor reading comprehension skills.

There are women on this thread who, while they may not have shared their own experiences, have been in similar situations to the one you’ve found yourself in (I’m one of them - had been with him a few years before the switch flipped). Some have supported friends who’ve gone through the same things. There are others who haven’t been/known someone in your situation but have the emotional intelligence to be able to understand. These posters the ones worth listening and replying to.

Try to ignore the asshats as much as you can.

I selected you are beung unreasonable...because tou are unreasonable to have offered to 'make it up'. You didnt do anything wrong. You had already told him this made you uncomfortable. He is manipulating this into you having done something wrong and seems to take pleasure from the idea of punishing you, even though you dont seem on board with that being some weird kink he has. If you have no kids and you say youre not married...id be leaving

Urgh my fanny has clamped shut just reading this. Get rid of this big whiny baby

@diabolicalbanana do not buy a house with him. He makes you uncomfortable and then guilty for feeling that way, and pushes for further humiliation for you to smooth over the situation.

You are not compatible and his behaviour is quite frankly awful.

Dump him. Find someone who respects you and that you’re comfortable being naked with, someone who doesn’t cross your boundaries and doesn’t humiliate you.

I agree, very well put. This will only get worse. I hope you're OK, OP. I know it's so very hard and it feels like it'd be a worse outcome to be alone. But do you want to spend the next part of your life with this man? I think you deserve better than this.

I'm rooting for you, so are a lot of others on this thread.