DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

That sounds very much like a “him” problem. Most people learn over time what will and won’t be tolerated in relationships, and adapt accordingly.
The fact that he hasn’t/isnt willing to (especially by 35!) isn’t great.

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

I’m a bit confused about this - why would you panic about your towel coming off in the presence of your long term DP? Do you not get undressed in front of each other? Your initial situation just sounds like a normal playful interaction between a couple. Why are you panicking?

Op, if you're in any doubt about this man just remember - he held you down while you struggled to get away. Not for the first time either.

This isn't someone you'll have a happy life with.

Seriously, the more you reveal about this guy the worst he sounds.

What is clear that this is not the person with whom you should to be purchasing a home.

He sounds entirely and completely awful.

Please do end things swiftly and safely. Don't fall for his false promises and him saying that he will change - he won't. If you continue with this chap his misbehaviours will increase in frequency and severity make no mistake.

He wants to be able to do exactly what he likes regardless of your consent. Whatever his problem is, is not your problem to figure out or solve, just get yourself free of him.

.

Fgs, another poster who hasn’t read all the OP’s updates.
This isn’t a normal, playful exchange. Far from it. Read all the posts.

Wouldn’t bother me but then I have been with mine 20 years. Maybe it makes all the difference? 🤷‍♀️

Apart from anything else, I personally couldn't be in a relationship with someone with such poor writing skills. Besides the point, I know, but he's obviously no great catch.

This is a warning sign too. He can’t take any form of feedback as anything other than criticism.

please stop trying to stay with him and leave. He will continue to push your boundaries and it will eventually be sexual assault (if not already)

leave him before you buy a house, get married, have children. It will be harder to do this if you get sucked in too deep. Do you want your future children to have him as their dad?

Diabolical you're trying to find ways to excuse his behaviour and his responses to your response. I understand it and understand that you feel invested in at least trying to make things work out, especially as you feel somehow if you're unable to trust him, you'll never ever be able to trust anyone ever. It's difficult for you, but you really really need to give yourself a hug and realise that you've got your issues and he has his. That will be true for any of us trying to make a relationship work. And while we may be able to give a bit of slack to someone who we have no real issues with how they treat us, we shouldn't ever give anyone a free pass or excuse abominable behaviour because of "their past". That's for him to have worked through before he puts himself in a position to share his life with someone else; just as it's your responsibility to ensure you are emotionally healthy enough to be there for someone else.

He's 35 years old and has not been in a serious long-term relationship for a reason. And that reason is not you. You may have your own issues that haven't been fully resolved, but please don't even for a minute believe that you are in any way "causing" him to behave inappropriately with you. I can't remember if you said how long you've been with him, but you did say it was long-term. If you are the first woman he's been able to stay with for so long, he may be feeling like he can let his guard down and "be himself" with you. This is normally a good point in a relationship. Unfortunately in this case, his "real self" is making you feel unsafe and unhappy. And I can't see it changing if you just continue on as you are and hope for something better to develop. I wish you well in making the right decision for your own good.

Wouldn't bother you if your partner laughed at you, made YOU apologise (for nothing) and said that as punishment you have to send nudes or a grovelling video of yourself as humiliation? Oh, and if you said you didn’t want him to cum on your face but he carried on and tried to do it anyway?
Jeez, what low standards some people have!!!

I have only to add.

5. emotional blackmailer
6. doesn't believe in consent
7. Pesters you for nudes and would definitely threaten to show them to pressurise you.

Honestly.

The screenshots of his texts have given me the ick and I'm not even the one dating him. Sound like he has got settled enough in the relationship to bring out the porny stuff he covets. I would end it as not compatible sexually and he seems incapable of understanding what 'no' means.

I am not surprised he's never been in a long term relationship before. He sounds like a man who shouldn't be in any kind of relationship until he's done a LOT of work on himself to get to the bottom of why he thinks of women as things.

Absolutely.

This is the furthest he’s got, because the others have seen him for what he is.
No he won’t change (I did 9 years hoping he would change).
You are young. Please see your worth.
Not all men are like this.

What stands out to me the most from your posts is how little you trust your gut instinct. It’s telling you that you feel humiliated, embarrassed, judged. It’s telling you that your partner is not safe for you. It’s telling you that you’re uncomfortable. If you get quiet a moment and listen in, that instinct is giving you a lot of information.

He likes other stuff eg nudes. His comfort is more important than that of his partner’s. He sulks. He manipulates. He gaslights. So he too gives you a lot of information about who he is as a person.

Ask yourself ,’ Does this person make me feel safe, validated and understood. Does he respect my boundaries. If things go wrong does he try to understand my point of view. Am I safe playing around a bit in a towel or will he take advantage of my vulnerability?’

I really feel for you but I honestly think you should get some help so that you can learn about your own boundaries , what you really want in a relationship and how to read dodgy men more quickly so that you can throw them back.

@diabolicalbanana It's innate in them and yes, they do it to everyone they're in a serious relationship with. They can't help themselves. I was married to an abuser, and no one else I've ever met or lived with had the kind of intense, hostile, negative view of me that he did. It was ridiculous. Change is extremely hard for these people and most don't manage it. Most don't even see a problem - like your man. Your only option, unless you want to have a hellish life, is to get the fuck out.

THIS. With BELLS on.

This is such a wonderful post.

I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with?
Somebody else might get the good version of him for a while, just like you did, but the mask would slip and he’d reveal who he really is eventually.

I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?
It’s not you, it’s him. Men like this can play the part of a decent, respectful, trustworthy partner, and they can be surprisingly convincing - nobody would get into a relationship with somebody who revealed abusive tendencies on the first date! Many start showing signs within the first few months, but some play a much longer game. I wonder if he’s showed his hand early in previous relationships, and that’s why they’ve all been shorter?

It’s often at points where they think they have you tied down that you start to see concerning behaviour - like moving in together, getting engaged or married, during pregnancy, or after having a baby. Sounds like planning to buy a house together was the trigger for him feeling free to drop the act and start being a dick to you, assuming you won’t be going anywhere. I can’t recommend strongly enough that you prove him wrong in that assumption.

You’ve mentioned kink twice OP. Please don’t bring kink into this. This isn’t a D/s situation, he’s an abusive waste of space and if you give him an inch he will run a mile with it under some kind of pretence of dominance. A true, healthy D/s relationship is entirely built on communication - which he can’t do - and mutual respect. It’s built on hard limits - things that are never breached - soft limits - only breached under clear boundaries and with a plan for checking in and keeping communication open - and activities open - both of us are into this so go ahead! A truly dominant man does NOT punish - certainly not like this. They don’t sulk, nor blackmail, they don’t demand you declare their undying love. They recognise that your submission is something they have to earn by being trustworthy, consistent, reliable. Years ago a guy I was in a D/s relationship with overstepped a boundary - it’s very outing so I’m not going to say exactly what, only to say it was a soft limit he misunderstood my body language and thought it was okay. The second I said otherwise, everything stopped - not in a punishment, in that he stopped what he was doing immediately, went straight into our aftercare routine, apologised profusely and asked if I felt able to talk right then or did I want some time to myself first. We talked, HE apologised not me. Please don’t waste a second more time on this individual.

It could be playful if she was usually okay with it and he stopped immediately when she made it clear she wasn’t. That’s not what happened.

She had already told him, two weeks before, that’s she’s not okay with him doing this to her. She was panicking because, despite knowing she didn’t want him to do this, he’d manhandled her into a position she didn’t want to be in while she was struggling to get away, he wouldn’t let her go, and she couldn’t escape. I’d be frightened if someone did that to me fully clothed.

If you’re okay with your partner disrespecting your boundaries, using your body however he sees fit whenever and however he wants (even when you don’t want him to, in ways you actively dislike)…you do you, I guess. Are you aware that OP not being okay with this is a very normal reaction though - it’s you who’s in the minority here?

Yeah sorry OP but if this is what you think a ‘good’ relationship is then you are in trouble. He sounds like a wanker

He sounds vile. I can't see how you can even like him let alone love him. I'd bin him off. If he's like this now he'll only get worse over time.

This is not the point here. That is a separate issue entirely. The issue is the way in which he responded to her boundaries both during and after.