DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

I've just seen your screenshots of the messages between you and UGH - he is utterly vile. I can't get past his shitty writing either.

He clearly sees you as someone to empty his load in to and on to (if he could!) and appears to have zero respect for your bodily autonomy, boundaries, feelings...anything at all. This is NOT a man to be planning a life with.

Just walk away, he doesn't respect or even appear to like you. Given the context of everything you've said - you are NOT boring, he is disgusting.

’lost out today on sex’
good god, there’s not a national cock shortage!
does he think he is your only option?!
Jumped up weirdo, just block him!

Urghhhh I have the serious ick. He sounds like the kind of man who thinks it’s ok to take what he wants from a woman. Fuck that, get rid now.

This. Dump him now or this will worsen.

Op he is vile! As a pp suggested, please contact women’s aid and ask to be put on the freedom programme. You will learn all about the subtle tactics used by abusers in the early days of a relationship, if you can learn to spot the signs you can escape before they trap you with a mortgage/baby. So many red flags in his behaviour. It’s nothing to do with sexual hang ups or intimacy, it’s the lack of consent that’s the problem. I feel from your later comments you aren’t going to leave him because a group of strangers on the internet told you to. But please, please do not buy a house with this man. Trust me, you’ll regret it. I’ve left the abuser, done the freedom programme and now I’m staying happily single.

I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with? I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?

It’s you, but only in the sense that you’re the only woman who has stayed with him this long. Others, with a different relationship history, may have spotted the red flags much earlier and either dropped him, or avoided getting involved in the first place.

The Freedom Programme is really excellent at helping you see patterns that you’ve normalised, and rethink attitudes and behaviours that you wouldn’t have questioned.

TheShark Cage Metaphor is long, but worth a read.

And the classic is Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? which he made available on pdf because it’s too important not to know this stuff.

@diabolicalbanana 'I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with? I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?'

There is a reason he's never had another long term relationship. It won't just be because he's not good at being emotionally vulnerable. But yes, he's clearly having issues handling conflict here. He's trying to push through your boundaries. That is screaming 'inability to handle conflict' in addition to 'no respect for his partner' and also 'abuser'. He might not be able to verbalise his emotions but he's excellent at verbalising how he wants you to do things that you have already explained are triggers for you.

My paragraph is a very long winded way of saying that it's not you, it's him despite your triggers, hang-ups and issues.

There is ALWAYS a reason someone is living the way they are. I can't handle commitment and always pick unsuitable/unreasonable people so I don't have to commit. My ex was rigid and unable to compromise with his partners, meaning he wanted his own way all the time and everyone he had a relationship with got fed up with his selfishness and left.

Calling abuse incompatibility is dangerous to victims.

OP, I’m sad to read all your updates and, like many women, you seem to have little to no awareness of what a decent bloke is, and also little to no agency in a situation you are not comfortable with.

Your ‘partner’ sound like he has no respect for your wishes or boundaries and no interest in your happiness.

I sincerely hope you wake up to what’s going on here and realise you probably should end things with this selfish bloke.

Hi op I think because of your past experience you might be more inclined to say no but he needs to know what is acceptable he can’t sulk and then punish you by degrading you. You seem to also be bothered about failure of the relationship your happiness is the most important thing here he might not be on the same as you because he keeps pushing you for something you have said you don’t want to do especially the nudes. Also you might think he wouldn’t share but never say never I’m sure there are a lot of women who thought this but it happened to them.

It’s 100% reasonable you were upset. You get to choose who touches you and has access to your body at all times. He has diminished this and will continue to diminish it. He's taking advantage of your decency and good nature which means you’re taking what he says seriously and trying to work out if you did do anything wrong, which you did absolutely did not. He’s using your reasonableness to push you into submitting to him. He will never acknowledge that he did anything wrong here or on the other occasions because he is not reasonable or decent. He’s got you tied in knots justifying yourself on a tiny detail when the bigger picture is that this was his doing. He’s controlling and believes that sexual assault is acceptable. That’s what he did to you.

Sunk cost fallacy. Someone else mentioned this and it’s exactly what I thought of:

• This is NOT your last chance at a relationship.
• However, if you do make moves to leave him, he will absolutely make you feel like it is to make you feel trapped.
• Even if it were (which it isn’t), you’d be better off single than with this dangerous, abusive man.
• You are young with time to meet someone else many times over and time to start a family if you wish.
• If you stay, his behaviours will get worse. You may stay forever and have a horrible life, or you may waste five or ten more years with him - imagine then how you’d feel about wasted time compared to now.

The gambling analogy someone gave above is very good. Do not throw good money after bad, so to speak. You cannot ‘win’ or get a good outcome by staying in this relationship. It’s like staying in a house that’s burning down. You will only harm yourself.

This really isn’t normal. If you buy a house together it will only get much worse. Leave while you can. He is deeply strange

People usually call others a prude to justify their own actions.
He's manipulative.
He's disrespectful.
He's pushed over your boundaries. You've told him no but he keeps pushing. He's a bully.
His texts are disgusting.

You're not boring. You have self respect and should only do what you feel comfortable with. That would be beside the point anyway because the behaviour hes showing in all of the above is completely wrong.

Be thankful, you've experienced this side of him, not once but twice, before moving in together. Red flags all over. Keep respecting yourself and dump him.

Yes!

Since there are STILL PPs who do not seem to understand the concept of consent, I am going to quote the original quote here again:

"Just because someone has seen your vagina before doesn't mean they get to overpower you and have a look whenever they want. It's HER body. You're making out like she is the problem here which is very concerning.
Not letting men do whatever they want with your body whenever they please doesn't mean someone has issues that they need to fix. Bloody hell."

NO ONE has the right to see your breasts, vagina, or anus, or any part of you, no matter whether you're married, you've fucked a 1000 times, or he has seen your bits 1000s of time before. If you don't want him to see something, he has NO RIGHT to trick/force/bully/harass/guilt you into showing it.

It's called bodily autonomy.

Consent should be asked for in EVERY new situation. And it can be refused and withdrawn at ANY moment, including just before the man comes. If the man does not stop, he is a rapist.

I obviously need to link the Tea and Consent video for the many many PPs here who remain confused:

https://www.google.com/search?q=tea+video+consent&rlz=1C1OZZY_enFR1221FR1221&oq=tea+video&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqBwgAEAAYgAQyBwgAEAAYgAQyBggBEEUYOTIHCAIQABiABDIHCAMQABiABDIHCAQQABiABDIHCAUQABiABDIHCAYQABiABDIHCAcQABiABDIHCAgQABiABDIHCAkQABiABNIBCDE3ODFqMWo3qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&source=chrome.ob&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:b497b738,vid:oQbei5JGiT8,st:0

Do not buy a house with this guy!! Him twisting it so that you end up apologising to him his manipulative. My husband would be mortified if I felt physically threatened by him and I am open minded when it comes to sex I’m no prude . He’s getting a thrill out of crossing your boundaries and that is never acceptable ever . Get out of this relationship and find a loving man that makes you feel comfortable with him . This idea that you are boring is his manipulation, does he should get himself a doll .

Oh my dear, there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is a world of difference between being naked with your lover in a pleasant and loving environment vs being manhandled and unwillingly exposed.

I think YOU need to change the way you think about this. You use the word "punishment" in your title. But that infers authority. This man has NO authority to punish you. What he's doing is retaliation. And it's both manipulative and childish.

Secondly, you don't need to post screenshots. It's almost like you feel you have to expose yourself to us - strangers on the Internet. Don't worry about trolling accusations - I believe you, and so do plenty of others here.

Hard as it is, you need to leave this man. He doesn't support you. He doesn't try to build your confidence. Quite the reverse, he wants you to debase yourself - and that's not healthy.
At the very least, PLEASE put a hold on plans to buy a house together.

God it’s terrifying that women are STILL telling other women to lower their boundaries. It doesn’t matter what they think they’re doing: if they think the OP is being prudish or not. They are just not getting the point and at this stage when there is so much information out there about consent then no one should be watering down the messages.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a naturist permanently. It’s not about whether you are naked or not. It’s about whether you feel comfortable and wholly enthusiastic in a sexual situation. I could for instance have had my partner touch my breast and be enthusiastic about it thousands of times. But if I’m not in the mood that day then he should listen to me. Not try and talk me round or do it anyway.

OP seriously this man does not have healthy sexual boundaries. He is a really bad person for you to be around. I rarely say this because it’s your life not mine but seriously LTB. And whatever you do don’t buy a house with him because I fear he would escalate if he thought you were trapped. I think he gets off on humiliating you, which is dangerous.

Exactly! Thank you!

This poster has had her legs held forcibly open, twice, and her abuser has tried to make HER apologise to HIM for it, and we have posters who are telling her that she's the problem and has issues with sex????? You couldn't fucking make it up. OP, I DO hope you don't listen to a word of some of these posters.

And yes, they all need to watch the tea and consent video and learn it by heart. 😡🤬

Those PP are entirely missing the point that OP didn't WANT to do that stuff in that moment, I am VERY VERY sure that if the PP who telling her that she has issues with sex and shouldn't be in a relationship would also VERY MUCH NOT LIKE IT if THEIR legs were held open when they DIDN'T WANT THEM TO BE!

You should never ever take compromising pics or videos. Once sent you have no control over them and have no idea whether he shares with his friends or not. And if he's insisting he's an absolute dick .... and this coming from a man!!

He basically thinks you are his property to twist and look at like a doll. Dump. Now.

"This poster has had her legs held forcibly open, twice, and her abuser has tried to make HER apologise to HIM for it, and we have posters who are telling her that she's the problem and has issues with sex?????"

Yes, the comments here are fucking RIDICULOUS!

He literally forced her into positions so that he could look at her vulva. He did it with physical FORCE. And he did it TWICE, after she had made it clear the first time that she did not consent to it the FIRST time.

AND he kept trying to push his penis near her face after she made it clear that she did NOT consent to being jizzed on.

This guy is a sex pest and an about-to-be rapist.

NO ONE should be talking about compatibility here - this man is CLEARLY sexually coercive.

Every word of this. Continue this relationship and commit further and I guarantee you this coercive sexual behaviour will escalate massively because it's so much harder for you to get out once tied in.

It's not just his behaviour. It's his infantile attitude towards you and the relationship. Very transactional and nasty.

Fuck no. Bin now and find an actual man.

I agree that your boyfriend’s behaviour was unacceptable, but I don’t actually think most women would have a problem with their partner seeing any part of them naked, let alone seeing them without makeup.
What most people do or feel is irrelevant. This is about Ops feelings.
If she is not confident and not happy to do something, she has the final word.

OP I just want to respond to this as you appear on the point of blaming yourself for having 'provoked' his abusive behaviour. Sorry if everything has been said on that point, I don't have time to read all responses to this post of yours.

'Was this innate or have I caused this?' is a wrong alternative. He probably was socialised into this, not born this way. And even if he evolved into someone more abusive than he had been during his time with you, that doesn't mean it's because of you. And even if there is a dynamic between you that brings out the worst in him, that doesn't mean it's your doing.

My father was an abusive prick with my mother, an absolute swine. He later married again and was still flawed in that relationship, but (afaik) less nasty. And he wasn't born a prick, he had empathy and some idea of right and wrong, but he let his prick-ness run away with him and became worse and worse because he couldn't face how awfully he was behaving, so he had to make it my mother's fault. My mother, meanwhile, didn't help herself by persisting in taking him seriously way beyond the point when he'd become ridiculous.

Point being, you're not responsible for his behaviour, whether it is innate or context-bound, and it doesn't matter how complex his motivations are, if he's being a prick then he's a prick. You can only control your own actions; focus on that. And maintain standards; don't make excuses for repeated crossings of red lines.

He's hardly a DP is he? Why are you with him?
The answer lies with you.