DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

It’s obvious to all AND obvious to you… he’s a big red flying flag…! Sort out the deposit and get far away from him NOW! 🤗

He sounds dreadful. Sorry but it’ll only get worse if you stay with him

OP, I am so glad you came on to MN for some help. (Although I really hope you're able to ignore the victim-blamers who are somehow finding fault with you for minding when your consent for various sexual things has not been given and he does it anyway, and then wants YOU to apologise for upsetting HIM. You really couldn't make it up.)

I hope you listen to us women who have seen it all before, who know how abuse goes and how it just gets worse and worse and worse the deeper into the relationship you go. And mark my words, nothing you do or say stops it.

You indicated above that it's not that easy to let him go, because you know each other's families etc. - and I get it. You also have a store of good memories and good times. You're still enmeshed to an extent, even though you don't have a mortgage or kids or are married (thank GOD).

So in one way, it's not an easy thing to leave the relationship....but in another way, it's the easiest thing in the world. Put your big-girl Nikes on and Just Do It.

Another word about abusive relationships: The entire reason they are so hard to leave is because of all the masses of sugar mixed in with the shit. The good times, the amazing memories, the times when he was so so lovely. After all, if someone was awful to you all the time, it would be an easy decision, wouldn't it? And this is what makes domestic abuse so appalling and destructive and so totally confusing for the victim. With someone who's just awful to you, it's upfront and you know where you are. But with domestic abuse, you are literally sleeping with the enemy. It's an extremely insidious, nasty, covert form of emotional, social, and/or physical aggression.

But you have to judge your relationship on its worst times. The times he has done things physically when you didn't want him to and when he wanted YOU to apologise for being upset. (My God, this makes me so mad, I literally want to slap him for you.) Those things which are upsetting you? THAT'S your relationship, your REAL relationship. That's the real him, not the nicey-nice one who lured you into this relationship under false pretences in the first place. That is, the pretence that a relationship with him would be a safe and nurturing place for you.

To put another way, a sugar sandwich with a tiny piece of shit in it's still a shit sandwich.

God, I hope you find the strength to dump this MF. I really, really do.

P.S. I am experienced with break-ups, and the absolute fastest way to get over someone is to have zero contact. No staying friends, no texting etc. I'm not saying getting over a significant relationship is ever fast, but zero contact is by far the best way. With zero contact, you'll find he crosses your mind ever less frequently, and when he does, your mind will kind of slip off him. But continued contact, of any kind, does nothing but prolong the agony. You can always say hi in the future if you want, but give it at least a year with nothing.

I did think at first it was strange that you felt ashamed of your body in front of him, but then your previous relationship and that he tries to do things/get you to do things you are not comfortable with explains it. If he really cared about you he would understand that due to previous abuse certain things are triggering for you and he would want to make you feel as comfortable as possible.

I also feel a bit uncomfortable that you have shared personal messages because of troll hunting. You do not owe anyone on MN anything. If people troll hunt just report the messages and MNHQ will deal with it. It seems to be another way you allow your boundaries to be crossed.

You have been concerned as to if your boundaries are 'normal' but it doesn't matter how others would feel, your feelings are your feelings and deserve respect. You have a right to not consent to things others would be fine with.

I don't think this man is the right one for you. And it seems the more you try and put in boundaries the more he pushes.

I think you need to end this relationship and learn to love yourself before entering another relationship. You seem very vulnerable and need some real life support. Good luck, OP 🌷

Read most of the thread.
OP, I mean this kindly. If you believe that if this relationship ends, that you will never be able to trust another man, you have got work to do.
Staying with this poor excuse of a man is never going to contribute to any healing for you.
You will spend the rest of this relationship doubting yourself and apologising for speaking up for yourself, and slowly, gradually, you will lose sight of who you are and what you want, in favour of not upsetting him.

You held a boundary and instead of him responding respectfully, he continued to push you to do things you are not comfortable with, for his own pleasure.

Ask yourself this.
Could you push him to do things that made him cringe for your own pleasure? And would you call that love?

He treats you like a pushover who will forgive him if he squeezes long enough.

Women who have previously been in abusive relationships tend to have a lot of self doubt, prize keeping the peace over standing their ground and apologise or withdraw to avoid conflict.
Abusers prefer women who doubt themselves, want to sweep shit under the carpet and apologise for the abusers bad behaviour. They like you to be confused so they get off scot free.

Most women, whether they have been in abusive relationships or not will come across cocktopuses like this, but the cocktopus wont be given multiple chances by all of those women.
The women that give him another chance and then another and another are the women who unfortunately get the poor treatment, because the man isnt going to change and the woman continues to hope he will.

You are allowed to refuse anything you dont want to do. You shouldn't let anyone talk you into doing anything you dont feel comfortable doing. It doesnt matter if it makes sense to him, his family, your family, your friends, his friends.
How can you feel safe with this man? I imagine you don't!

My best advice?
Do not buy a house with this man!
Do not back down on anything you feel uncomfortable with.
Do not accept his pathetic excuse that he was joking.
Do not stay in this relationship.
Invest in yourself. Do things you enjoy.
Make sure you prioritise feeling safe in a relationship, and if you don't, end it!

I have a few select men (all happily married and I wouldn’t consider them romantically), but they are my go to when I need to be reminded there are good men out there.
Maybe you need to collect a select few. I’m not interested in another relationship but then I’ve had kids, and am very happy in my own space

So much good advice on here OP;please don't waste it. Think about how you feel now and imagine that when you are pregnant or with small child being magnified 100 times. This man is subjecting you to sexual abuse and taking no consideration of what you say you want or what you need. How can you ever trust him again?

Sometimes we get the wrong impression that everyone is having and giving oral sex, anal sex, cumming on your face, swallowing etc. Its really not the case. Do not send nudes- lots of people don't. This man would threaten to send the far and wide. You really cannot trust him. He does not believe in consent and will always try and wriggle around like a worm when he attempts to convince you that you are no fun, take things too seriously.

There is something about what you describe that brings to mind those vile men who drug their wives and pimp them out to other men.

Him getting an eyeful of your vulva and not being apologetic at your discomfort because it 'was your own fault' is vile. I think lots of men would be devestated at your reaction because they would not want to cause their partner embarrassment of pain. It doesn't matter that some other PP seem to think this is a surprise because all that is important is that you felt uncomfortable.

He has never had a long term relationship, not just for his anger and emotional unavailability but for lots of reasons. Its entirely possible that his refusal to accept the importance of consent may be one of them.

What you felt, what you've said are not unreasonable; he is.

I would get rid of him, and not look back in my quest to find a decent man to share my love, body and life with.

THIS is a massive red flag. You are clearly putting up sexual boundaries and he is trying to overstep them and then going in a mood if you don’t let him have his own way. A loving partner would NOT DO THIS. Please, please ditch this creep before he actually rapes you because he sounds like he is cruising towards abuse. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and deserves no more of your time. Not all men act like this. You can find a nice one!

You're not wrong to feel the way you do OP

But how do you do this? I'll be honest I don't know any 'good men' that I'd be happy being in a relationship with. Not saying I don't think there are any, but I don't know any and not sure how I'd go about collecting them?

@diabolicalbanana

^"I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with? I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?"^

Oh sweetheart, this is one of the saddest things I have read. There are pages and pages of well informed, knowledgeable, professional posts - all screaming that this man's behaviour is abusive and dangerous. Yet here you are wondering whether this is all YOUR fault.

No it is not.

You have not triggered this. You have been conditioned, by your previous relationship history to believe that bad consequences are your fault. They are not. They never were. Sadly this man is building on that vulnerability.

You absolutely need to get out now.

Dump him your obviously not confident in this relationship and he sounds into things your not. It won’t work long term. I certainly wouldn’t invest in a house with this man.

Agree, agree.

And also

He literally forced her into positions so that he could look at her vulva. He did it with physical FORCE. And he did it TWICE, after she had made it clear the first time that she did not consent to it the FIRST time.

He didn't force her into that position to look at her vulva (he's possibly not that interested in how it looks) - he did it because he knew it made her feel vulnerable, and he knew she didn't like it or want it, and she struggled, and he could overcome her.

That is sick.

This doesn't sound normal, do you realise that OP? If a man is cuddling a woman just out the shower, in my experience it would just be a consenting cuddle. If you both wanted more it could go that way; if you needed to get dressed and get on then you'd say that and he would understand. It's not typical to consider spending then rest of your life with someone and also be worrying about your towel slipping low. But also, who wears a dress but no knickers if it's hot? Very odd and I live in a hot country! It's also not normal to ask for nude images or videos - well done for not consenting to that. You both need to grow up.

"You both need to grow up."

OP is NOT responsible for how this gonna-be-rapist fucker behaves.

Your attributing blame to OP for his abhorrent sexually coercive behaviour is fucking GROTESQUE

Another abuser apologist 🙄

It’s your body and if you feel uncomfortable about certain things then it’s time for a chat while you are fully clothed.

I certainly don’t see any joy in having someone ‘coming’ on your face or taking photos. It never ends well for the Lady if the relationship becomes troubled.

DH was offered a look at vagina photos his former mate had taken of his former wife (which he declined). This was coming from a man who I thought of being mature and respectful of his partner. 🤦‍♀️

however I will say when I was younger I too had a worry about being seen fully naked as there were bits I certainly didn’t like of myself. DH and I over the years have talked about that and he accepted how I felt. Now I’m older I don’t give much of a rats anymore…

before you buy a house together, it’s time for a chat as to your boundaries and where you feel comfortable. Take it from there but if you are not happy with the result, take a step back.

Yeah, he's into forcing her to do things she doesn't want to do.

Surprisingly, OP isn't into that.

“He was holding me…….” (down)

Understand the implication of what happened to you and what may happen next time.

It sends chills down my spine.

Bit depressing how many people on this thread are saying 'but he's your partner, he seems you naked all the time'. It's totally different someone holding you down when you're clearly not enjoying it, to closely stare at you when you're not enjoying it, vs other situations that you've entered into freely (whether sexually or not). It's like I'm fine with my partner seeing me naked but I wouldn't be very happy if I woke up in the night and he'd taken the covers off me to stare at me, even though he has seen it all before I'd still be uncomfortable

Sorry you’re not recognising that he has lots of emotional issues going on. You need to leave this relationship and go solo for a while to work out what you want I ca relationship.

Are you drunk?

It’s really sad that any woman should feel self-conscious about the man they’re in a close relationship/living with with seeing them naked in daylight or without makeup. The men certainly aren’t worried about soft lighting re their bodies. Never mind what you think about yourself, we all have our insecurities. But I can assure you that if a man wants to live with you he’ll like you in daylight, candlelight or fluorescent light. He certainly won’t care about makeup. And whatever else troubles you about them, being seen in daylight shouldn’t be one of them.

It's not all about the man and what the man wants though is it?

A man may be perfectly happy to look at a womans arsehole with a torch, he may well even have a kink about it and think she's a goddess if she let him, doesn't mean the woman has to let him or enjoy it herself does it? She's allowed to have her own boundaries.

What's really sad here is that you've read a thread that describes a dangerous man who has no respect for boundaries and you're trying to say that the sad thing about the story is that she is sometimes self concious.

I’m not talking about the man here or what he’s entitled to. I was struck by the OP saying she was self-conscious about her body which affected how she responded in the moment. A lot of women say the same and in my view that is sad and no woman should have to feel that way. If a man is doing something you don’t like or want, the last thing you should be worrying about is what you look like in daylight.