DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

It's a fact of life that some women (and men) feel self conscious about their bodies, it often still doesn't affect them having an enjoyable sex life or anything like that, and they don't feel like it limits them because they're not the type who always want to be naked anyway, these people will feel perfectly comfortable with partners who respect their boundaries.

If a man is doing something you don’t like or want, the last thing you should be worrying about is what you look like in daylight.

Well unfortunately this is how humans work sometimes, when faced with uncomfortable situations it's not uncommon for psychological defence mechanisms to kick in and for people to blame themselves or displace the feelings to cope in the moment, so rather than being scared of the man it can become more like oh I'm scared of being seen naked. That can help people feel a bit more in control because they're not thinking so much that this is a dangerous man. Women often internalise discomfort from mens actions

@diabolicalbanana

What have I read?! 🤯 (I’ve read all your updates).

You two do not sound like a good match sexually, or relationship wise, really at all.

He isn’t going to get better.

DO NOT buy anywhere together! That’ll only make ending things even harder when you do. And I think you should!

I am sorry for what you’ve been through, I do feel you’d benefit from more therapy though, maybe trauma specific. Counselling can help with certain things, but….. And do do the Freedom program, or, reclaiming your life, or whatever. There are a few options. Also work on your self esteem and body confidence.

I wonder if your gut already had the ick a bit from him, a sense that something wasn’t right, which led to you not feeling relaxed, safe and playful after he’d been away? 🤔

Either way, he sounds like and looks like a bad one, thrown him back!!

And just because he turns out to be a twat, please don’t then dismiss love or a relationship ever again! Do the self work, try to choose better, until then, build your life and be content until someone can come and add to it.

Good luck!

This!!

Well, you should be talking about the man, because otherwise you’re spectacularly missing the point and he’s the one making OP feel the way she does. She isn’t safe with him.
And so what if she’s self conscious? That’s ok. I haven’t got the best body and I wouldn’t want my husband twisting me around, trying to overpower me and ogling me in certain positions, especially outside of a sexual context. My husband is actually the same - he doesn’t like me pulling his top up or “getting his belly out”, because he’s not that fond of it, and I respect that. Obviously in a sexual situation, it’s different, but the main point is that we respect one another’s wishes and stop immediately if told to. Nothing sad about that.

You, and many others, don’t seem to understand that being seen naked by a romantic partner who loves and respects you is a very different experience to being objectified. Objectification is dehumanising, reducing you to a collection of body parts. It’s not sexy, it’s not empowering, it feels like being assessed, judged, and possibly compared to whatever standard some disgusting entitled prick has mentally decided is his ideal. This can make even the most confident woman feel self-conscious.

OP has described a situation that goes far beyond just objectification. She told us how this man leers at her, tried to cum on her face after she told him not to, and has twice manhandled her into vulnerable positions and held her down with her genitals exposed while she struggled to escape. During the most recent incident he escalated to pulling her legs apart and holding her in that position as she panicked and fought to get away. She has described how he explicitly told her he was punishing her for how she reacted to that abuse, and how he demanded she make it up to him by filming humiliating grovelling apology videos, or engaging in acts he knew she wasn’t comfortable with.

So why are you “not talking about the man here or what he’s entitled to”? OP posted for advice specifically about her partner’s very concerning, frightening, abusive behaviour. It’s disturbing that a woman would read about another woman being treated like this…then choose to minimise such a serious situation by ignoring that and focusing only on whether she has insecurities or not.

Absolutely this. Although I think the post you’ve quoted might well have been written by a man - it certainly reads that way.

Forgive me, but this is not the main issue.

The main issue is that your gut is SCREAMING at you to leave this man.

He continues to pressurise you to do things that you are not comfortable with, despite the fact that you have told him as clearly as possible that you do not want to do what he is asking.

He is not good for you.

OMG , cannot believe what I just read ! You need to get rid of this man quick !!!! He is not a good person and this could get worse very quickly
for your own safety you need to walk away . That is not normal behaviour

It sounds strange from both sides tbh. His behaviour is abusive and creepy. However it also seems strange that you're in a long term relationship yet you didn't want hime to see you naked (you said something about the towel slipping too much). Either way this is not a healthy relationship - you really need to walk away and ideally do some work on yourself through counselling/therapy.

He's pushing your boundaries & manipulating you as well as gaslighting you. All signs of control. He's making you feel guilty for not pleasing him when you feel uncomfortable with the things happening to you. That's a major red flag. Once he's worn you down so you do things so as not to upset him, where will it stop? when you don't fancy sex with him will he stop when you say no?. He's a dangerous person so leave now before it goes too far.

You need therapy to work on your body image issues. It’s not normal to hate your body so much you don’t want your partner to see you naked. Not defending his actions as I don’t think he’s been great but for your own sake you should want to improve your relationship with your body. What a sad way to live your life. I have low self esteem but even I wouldn’t get upset over a partner accidentally seeing me naked. Isn’t that part of being in a relationship?

It is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with a partner if you have such an unhealthy relationship with yourself. No wonder you’re struggling to set firm boundaries and stand up for yourself when your partner is crossing them 🤷‍♀️

Also you say a lot of women wouldn’t want their partner to see their vagina up close in broad daylight but this is mumsnet. A lot of us have given birth in front of our partners. I’m not a porn star either but if you love and trust someone why is it an issue if they see your vagina up close 🤷‍♀️

Did you miss the bit where he twisted her around and pinned her down when she accidentally became exposed? And refused to stop when she said no? Laughed at her and humiliated her? Then sent her vile abusive messages telling her to apologise to HIM and degrade herself even further, when he knew she wasn’t comfortable with that?
Jesus, I can’t get over some of the rape apologists on this thread! Go and look up the definition of consent. This is abuse.

I did say I don’t agree with his behaviour. But how low does your self esteem have to get before you accept that kind of behaviour and come on mumsnet asking other people if it’s ok? Without working on her own self image, OP will surely keep ending up with these kinds of men. And I am speaking from experience. But even my self esteem is not that bad where I’d be so upset over my partner seeing my vagina that I wanted to end an otherwise happy relationship (I’m talking about IF it was otherwise happy, which in the case of OP I actually don’t think it is even though she wants to move in with him)

Quite.

OP doesn’t need “therapy to work on her body image issues”. She needs to open her eyes to the fact that what her boyfriend is subjecting her to is abuse, and leave him.

No you were not talking about how she responded in the moment .
The biggest part of the story to you is OP being self conscious of her body .
That is sad .

If someone’s self esteem is that low I highly doubt they will have the confidence to leave an abusive relationship. Self esteem IS a huge part of driving someone to be able to leave when they are being abused. If you hate yourself to the extent you are far more likely to believe you deserve to be treat badly. Even if she has the courage to leave this guy, without addressing her own issues she will likely just get into another relationship with someone else who is abusive. Women with low self esteem are a sitting target for abusers.

Agog at the abuse minimiser's and apologists on here. It's so depressing.

Op, it's not you it's him.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I just wanted to say that you don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with, and the posters having a go for you not feeling comfortable being naked in those circumstances need to give their heads a wobble. How can you enjoy sex if you are not comfortable in that moment? You are entitled to feel safe and relaxed and not pressured when you are with your partner. I’m sure he won’t see it this way (because no man likes to see themselves as an abuser) but coercion is a form of abuse.

She can do both.

Not everyone has to be “body confident”. Just because I don’t like flashing my foof at my husband doesn’t make me a prude. Some people are more naturally reserved around their bodies than others, and that’s absolutely fine.

You post was not in any way helpful for a woman who has low self esteem.
You opened with 'you need therapy to work on your body image issues' and it read very much like oh he hasn't been great but if you didn't have body image issues then it would be fine.

In the last few weeks he tried to finish on her face even though she made it clear he was not allowed, there have also been 2 incidents where he manhandled her lately when she was clearly panicking and he carried on regardless, but you're trying to minimise here and you're twisting it to make out she wants to end it cos he saw her vagina.

What an absolute creep.
He sounds a bit rapey to me.
He certainly doesn't respect you.

Is he called Christian Grey?
I see red flags all over the place, it's hard to know where to start. I don't think it's a good idea to send any nudey pics, stuff like that can be used against you at a later date 😬

OP, I’m wondering -how old are you?

when my DP and I got together, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I wouldn’t have had a problem with him seeing me naked - however he would have probably just joined me in the shower!

But we were a lot younger/ thinner etc then!

I think it’s a bit odd you’ll only let him see you naked under soft light, full makeup etc (you wouldn’t be able to maintain that living together).

However I disagree with the rest of his behaviour. I wouldn’t be sending nudes anywhere in this day and age.