AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

YABU. Don’t.

She knows she is overweight.

Its not up to you to point it out.

Don’t. I’m sure she’s very aware

please don't OP. She knows. If she wants your support she'll raise it.

She obviously knows all this. If I was your friend I would break contact with you if you started to lecture me.

Why would you? Do you think she doesn't know she's overweight unless you tell her? Absolutely don't tell her.

Please don't raise it with her. She knows. She would talk to you about it if she wanted to. What would telling her achieve that's helpful to her?

Not in a million years should you have that sort of conversation with her.
Encourage her if she comes to talk to you about it but she is very well aware of her weight.

Are you fit/do exercise/active hobby OP?

If so, maybe try to gently encourage her to join you under the guise of spending some time together.

If not, maybe ask her if she'd like to take something up with you

No, I wouldn't mention her weight at all. She knows. I might say something along the lines of "I'm trying to be more active but I'm finding it so hard to motivate myself - do you fancy being each others accountability partner?"
Obvs that won't work if you're already pretty active.

You sound a bit pitying. Don’t say anything and PLEASE don’t ask her to do exercise with you. She is fat not stupid

I think it will be blindingly obvious what volunteering to be an "accountability partner" means! Just no.

Yeah, i definitely would use that phrase.

Just give it a few weeks and the couch it as you wanting to spend time together doing something a bit different.

If you want to keep the friendship, keep quiet.
She will, of course, know that she’s put on weight. If she approaches you about it, that’s another matter, but please don’t raise it with her first. That could be pretty catastrophic to your relationship with her, I imagine.

She knows she's overweight, you won't achieve anything by telling her except hurting someone you say you are friends with.

She’s not blind, she’s not dumb. I assure you she knows.
her comments will have been a defence mechanism due to being embarrassed.
dont say anything, it’s not kind and it’s not helpful.

Wow strong opinions on this!

I'm reasonably fit myself but not really from doing anything organised other than walking quite a lot.

I saw someone said I sound 'pitying'. I don't think thats right, but I don't think its unreasonable to feel sad and worried about a friend in the situation she is now.

I understand why you want to mention it, its in her best interests from a well meaning place, but please don't. Youll probably find she'll start avoiding you, and your friendship will be over. Tell her you're going to start walking for half an hour in the evening or something see if she wants to walk with you so she motivates you.... might help

I don't know why you think it's your responsibility to tell her she needs to lose weight. Don't you think she knows? If you enjoy spending time together why not suggest going for walks or exercise classes together. The last thing she needs is unasked for advice or a lecture.

Op she clearly excused herself with comments designed to cover her personal shame and embarrassment.

It would be incredibly patronising to say anything.

You mind your own business.

Of course you should tell her she's got fat.

It will have been driving her mad that she doesn't know why she's had to buy bigger clothes, and her mind will be at rest now she can finally understand.

The shame of her friends being appalled at her appearance will be just the motivation she needs to eat massive salads for each meal - we all know that negative feelings have us reaching for the lettuce.

It's your duty as a friend.

If you really want to try anything then for gods sake dont mention how far and unfit she is. The only way and it’s still very risky is something like, how she seemed after the race and is she ok and your hearvif she wants to talk.

No, absolutely do not say anything (whether directly or subtly!).

My BMI used to be 43, now it's 21 and I absolutely can say that no adult is unaware if they are considerably overweight.

A friend commenting on my weight would've irrevocably damaged the relationship.

Like what? She knows she's fat and not very fit. It's rude and pointless.

Fwiw I'm skinny but if I ran in a race I'd probably be puffed out after about 30 seconds. I certainly wouldn't want someone 'concerned' about the fact I'm not exactly the world's greatest Mo Farah impersonator.