AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Who's rule is it. ?

I know exactly what it was.

You can ask her how she is doing without mentioning her weight.

She is very likely aware that she has gained weight, she propably knows she's unfit. There is no way to mention someone's weight without it sounding like you are calling them a fat and ugly cunt. Wether they take offence depends on the individual.

That being said, If you have a genuine concern and feel the benefits of you talking the her outweighs the risks then it might be worth it. But that depends on the person, how much she has gained weight and what type of relationship you have and if youre willing to let it go.

@ThreadGuardDog
so do you think her friend has not realised she has gained weight?

If you are aware it could cause her shame and embarrassment and are considering doing it anyway it's faux concern. It'll make her feel shit and you feel like you've 'done something'. You're not going to do anything except make her want to reach for something comforting to eat.

I feel like of late UK society in general - maybe it's social media but not just that - has been more and more fatphobic to the extent where being fat is the worst thing you can be and that it's a very simple phenomenon with a single cause. This is often thinly veiled as concern for people's health.

But if there were other things where you wouldn't comment on people's habits then don't do it with fat either. Would you tell your friend if she sat out in the sun too much without sunscreen? If you thought she drank too much? If she drove too fast? Ate too much salt or drank too much diet coke? Suppressed her anger too often? Probably not. But because you can see the effects of eating on her body you think you definitely know what is causing it and also that might be your place to say something because it is so bad you would be remiss not to.

It is not your place. You are her friend. Love her for who she is without trying to change her even if you think you can.

Ok I have a slightly different take on this which I think is where OP is coming from.

I have a friend whose weight changes a lot in both directions. I have known her for a long time and as such I know that this is a direct sign of her emotional health. If she gets very big very quickly, or very skinny very quickly, I don’t say anything - BUT I do use it as a cue to be more in touch, more supportive generally, more involved and try to help her through what’s happening that has invariably caused her to use food / restricting as a coping mechanism

So I would do that - she’s likely quite unhappy and / or dealing with stuff so whilst she obviously doesn’t need you to say anything about her weight, you can step up quietly as a friend to see if you can support her more generally

Yeah, if you feel that you must do something, make it about the activity, not about her. "I've seen a nice bike ride but don't want to go on my own, would you like to tag along?"

@ThreadGuardDog I can appreciate that the OP is genuinely concerned about her friend's health and wellbeing. I can't understand why she would think that raising this with her friend would be helpful and supportive, as in, what does she think it would achieve that isn't already the case.

The only response to that on this thread, from other posters, is the idea that it would somehow motivate or shock her into action. From experience, and from existing research into this, that doesn't work for the large majority of people. Motivation to lose weight isn't the issue, it's having the mental capacity to diet long term successfully and having a home life that facilitates it rather than hinders it.

I’ve only ever seen it expressed like this on MN. Apparently it’s very rude to point out to someone that you love that you’re worried that their weight is affecting their health. Better to let them carry on undisturbed until they’ve wrecked their health and require hospital treatment than to risk offence. We’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic and to my mind, this kind of attitude has contributed to it.

Fat people know that they are fat. they see it every time they walk past a mirror, every time they buy clothes, every time they bend over to pick stuff up, every time they have to chase their child.

what they dont need is a thin person telling them so or offering advice on how to lose weight. 99.9% of the population are intelligent enough to understand its calories in vs calories out. if it were easy then so many people wouldnt be obese. but it isnt.

you have no idea of her internal monologue. what challenges is she facing you dont know about? menopause, depression, self esteem who knows.

but please dont be yet another thin person telling fatties like me that we are fat and that its "so simple" to do something about it because after almost 70 years of obesity I can tell you straight it really isnt easy anything but.

Nope. No. No and no. Deal with your own feelings, you don't need to involve her. Absolutely no.

Sadly no, saying something will not help.

I have brilliant friends who are vastly overweight. It is having a negative effect on their ability to live the lives they deserve. However the underlying causes of the weight gain are having an even bigger effect and make loosing weight very, very difficult. There is always an underlying cause, weather you can see it or not, weather they are aware of it or not, nobody 'chooses' to overeat themselves into poor health.

But do you actually think expressing concern will help?

Have you ever been overweight/ obese?

Shaming people won't cure the obesity epidemic.

Why don't you suggest you both work on your fitness together? You could aim for a parkrun or something.

She knows. Please don't.

So why would you even think about doing it, knowing you'd shame and embarrass her?

I’ve put weight on over the last few years - trust me I know and definitely don’t need anyone reminding me.

I’ve also just about to go on HRT and at the beginning of the year slipped two discs in my back.

I go to the gym, I eat well and I’m still fat. I’m unfit as I can’t do a lot of the exercises due to my back (physio is helping)

I’ve now sold a lot of my old clothes as it’s tough with a load of size 12 staring at you. It’s hard to feel my so called baggy jeans now being tight.

I don’t need reminding by a friend - the mirror, my clothes and my body is telling me.

Jesus Christ op, she’s not a child- of course she knows she’s fat, what do you think bringing it up is going to achieve??

The poster was being sarcastic. They weren’t actually advising OP do that.

I dont see any benefit of commenting on her weight. She must know she has gained weight and it has negative impact on health.

If you are concerned weight gain is a sign of problems elsewhere I would make space for her to talk about any problems and offer advice or practical help. However as a best friend I expect you would already know if there was something else going on.

What do you think could be achieved from saying something? Considering that is usually a good way to decide if you should say something. She's your friend so you will know best.
I can't imagine many situations where something positive would be achieved. I think someone would need to have some cognitive issues to not recognise that they are overweight, the risks of being overweight and the options available to lose weight. So in the vast majority of cases, saying something would likely cause the person embarrassment and potentially impact the friendship without achieving anything positive.

I get your concern but don’t. It will trash your friendship. It’s a bit like being the messenger on affair situation. She won’t be grateful at all

more likely humiliated and angry.

I don’t think this is true of OP. She’s seen her friend gain weight and hasn’t said anything so far - she has accepted her and loves her for who she is. And on the surface her friends’ weight and appearance are none of her business.

Clearly that changed for OP when she witnessed first hand, her friend struggling at the sports day as a result of that weight gain. It’s nothing to do with her appearance, and everything to do with concern for her health. But the go to on MN seems to be ‘faux concern’ in order to point out to her friend that she’s fat.

God please don’t! I’m your friend in this scenario and I would feel so patronised if someone did this with me. Just let her take the lead, if she wants to talk about anything you can create the space for her to do so, I.e by spending time with her one on one and asking general questions about how’s life, but don’t try to take the lead on that particular subject.