AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Everyone is different. I generally respond quite well to the proverbial kick up the arse, and wouldn’t quit an established friendship over it, especially if it was brought up in a caring way.

And I say that as someone who has been VERY overweight.

Who, the OP? You have GOT to be joking 😂

I used to go to slimming world with a lady who became one of my closest friends.
She was dangerously overweight, had operations on her ankles and could not walk without pain.
She was doing really well but then sadly got in with a "body positive " group. They all seemed to be very aggressive as well.
She was about to take part in a play but was scared that her ankles would not hold her.
On FB I invited her to come back to slimming world with me, reminded her how much fun we had, she did really well and was the life and soul of every meeting.
Unfortunately her other group of friends saw my posting and attacked mob handed.
I've never had such a vicious attack from faceless strangers. Unfortunately by this time she was totally under their spell.
I gave up on our friendship as she accused me of really awful things, when what I had done, I thought I had done out of love.
Just don't do it. You will not be thanked. As much as you care, you will be maligned for it.

Omg you did not? Who on earth would do that?

Whoa whoa whoa, this is totally uncalled for @TotallyTangerineGeum

"Vile" natured? The OP @emzybobz89 is anything but that.

The OP is trying to help her friend who is very obese.

As much as this is a protected characteristic on Mumsnet, it is also a health concern. Friends in theory should be concerned for each other's wellbeing.

So I don't think the OP has ever , ever been "cruel" about this. She just doesn't want her friend to slide further into health issues.

however over the years there have been posters on Mumsnet who have used the "health concerns" line as a veil for attacking obese folk. I am aware of this, but the OP is 100% not one of those people.

It cannot get to the stage in life where we cannot discuss obesity at all, without someone piping up and saying "you're absolutely vile and horrible" just for naming something factual out of concern.

I think you are coming from a good place OP but as you can tell by the many pages of replies explaining why you can’t have this conversation, there are many people who have been in similar shoes as your friend and who would be mortified to have that chat. I gained over 3 stone due to medical reasons I didn’t want anyone to know about - of course it raised a few eyebrows. The only one who didn’t hurt me when we discussed my health was my GP and even that was SO embarrassing. I needed to hear I was killing myself BUT from a health point of view from a GP. I’m sorry she’s going through such a hard time and I am sorry you are worried.

Absolutely, I’m not in any body positivity group but I’d have called out that shitty behaviour too, who on earth would be so tactless to do that on social media. 😱

👆🏻This.

Good god- she knows she’s overweight! You really don’t think that communicating your feeling ‘sad and worried’ is not going to come across as patronising and pitying?
I’ve lost a lot of weight on the last year. I was 4 stone overweight. If any of my friends had decided to point out my weight or comment on how sad and worried they were, I would have felt humiliated.
Fortunately my friends like and respect me at any weight and we don’t talk about such things.

Fortunately my friends like and respect me at any weight

And there is it again... the emotive language used on this site around weight such as "like and respect" completely precludes any discussion about the subject

Nowhere in her first or subsequent posts has the OP demonstrated any propensity not to "like ad respect" her friend.

Are you saying that by even THINKING of bringing up weight in conversation, it automatically disqualifies the OP from showing any respect to her friend?

If she has any respect for her friend, she really does not need to bring up the very obvious fact that she is overweight.
The friend knows .
If she wanted to talk about it , she would.
The lack of respect is shown by initiating a pointless and potentially embarrassing and hurtful conversation.
Re ‘emotive language’ , the OP feels ‘ sad’ because her friend is fat. Being fat may be unhealthy but lots of things are.
The OP is making it emotive. It doesn’t need to be. Does the OP get this sad about people who smoke, eat processed foods or cycle without a helmet? Probably not.
She can definitely think about it. Just don’t actually say it.
It’s called manners and consideration.

I seriously doubt she'll say 'Overweight? Am I? I was wondering why my size 8s no longer did up. Thanks so much for letting me know, I had no idea'

She knows, and she needs to be in the right frame of mind to recognise and start losing weight. There is nothing you can do to get her there… it needs to come from within

Thats assuming its something the friend can help or change. You have zero way of knowing whether it is.

Its more about arrogance than respect. Assuming you know better than your friend about their own medical situation or mental health situation.

Yes and it likely indicates something else is wrong.
Asking the friend how they are doing and if they need support is fine, pointing out 'ooh you are getting a bit porky' as if they didnt know is cruel.