AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

I have a friend who became obese over a short period of time, overeating, no medical issues.
Her lifelong best friend told her that she was worried about her re health issues. Friend 1 trusted Friend 2 and knew that this comment was coming from a place of love and genuine concern.
She wasn’t offended, it made her reassess.
Honestly, there are some friends I would be mortified to hear this from and others that I would listen to and be grateful for their concern and hopefully act on it.
From your posts OP, it sounds like you and your friend have a deep friendship and, if you decide to have the conversation, I hope it goes ok.
You don’t come across as judgemental at all, just a worried friend.

So how are you planning to ask her about her weight gain without using any words that signify you are asking about her weight gain? “Are you ok?” “Yes, I’m fine”…. So what do you say then? Perhaps if you said here “these are the words I am planning to use” then people can comment on those and you won’t be so annoyed that people assume you are going to say “fat”, “weight”, “big” etc?

ooh a snide dig at the end, how original.
Again, ill explain it like you are 3, because you seem incapable of understanding adult concepts.
You have ZERO idea of why the friend in the OP is overweight.

You could say, how have you been lately? have you been OK? would you like to catch up for a coffee?
Let her decide if she wants to share.

No, but let the friend lead IF THEY WANT TO DISCUSS it.
They dont owe OP a discussion.

What are you going to gain from telling her? Unless she is spectacularly stupid she will know she’s fat and will know that is bad for her health. I fail to see how any comment from you could be a good thing.

this.

Don’t people say that when they meet up anyway?! “How are you?” “I’m fine”. None of that is asking the friend about her weight gain which is what the OP says she wants to do.

There is nothing you can say that will come out as caring rather than judgemental. Keep your opinions to yourself.

Yes, the point is you can be a friend and show concern and support for a friend without sticking your nose in something she may not want to speak to you about. If she wants to talk about weight, OP has given her the opening to do so. But she may not want to, and pushing it would be nosey and unhelpful.

@emzybobz89

Leave well alone! She will be painfully aware herself of the weight she has gained - she definitely won’t need her friend pointing it out to her!

(I say this as a larger person who is fighting her way through a weight loss journey right now.)

i definitely needed it pointing out, i didn't know i was in denial

But surely your clothes didnt fit you anymore?

This is backed by the research tbh

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2014/nov/britains-obese-denial-about-their-weight

It's really fascinating. I know from experience, I knew I'd put some weight on but still felt it was pretty manageable and not that noticeable. Until my dad mentioned I was a lot bigger than I used to be and I saw myself through fresh eyes. I'd been avoiding weighing myself cos it always seemed to just go up and felt hopeless. Weighed myself that day and realised I'd piled about 3st on!!