AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

Don't.

I have a friend who keeps trying to advise me on various matters because 'if [she] doesn't, no one else will'.

I'm now trying to take a step back from her.

As someone who has gained a lot of weight - she will know.

I gained weight when I was put on a hefty dose of steroids. I am not a violent person but I think I might have punched any "friend" who tried to tell me. It was bad enough the ones who "congratulated" me when I finally lost the weight. It wasn't due to being a more amazing person, it was due to coming off the meds

Don't raise it unless she asks for your thoughts. You can invite her along if you're going for a walk or an exercise activity but don't labour it or keep repeating.

This happened with two people in my group of friends. One went round to see the other one to have a conversation about how she was really worried about her “health”, wants to support her to live a long and healthy life out of love for her as a friend etc. The friend being lectured was absolutely furious, has never been able to forgive it, and it blew our friendship group apart. Please don’t do this OP. Just be there for your friend - she will absolutely know what the issue is, and at some point (if she trusts that you won’t judge her), she will talk to you about it. At that point you can give her your love and support. But I think you have to wait until she is ready.

Invite her out for a regular walk then. She obviously already knows about her weight but time and opportunity can be a big barrier to exercise.

Ah this is a really tricky situation. It's hard when you really care about someone and can see that they're really struggling. It's hard with things like weight gain too as it's a sensitive topic but people absolutely do notice.

If you care about her then I think it's just about how you frame it. For all you know she might be going through a really horrible time and need some support. People don't really just balloon in a short span of time without there being something amiss.

You could maybe message her and just say hey, lovely to see you at sports day. I hope you don't mind me saying, but I've noticed some physical changes in you over the past few months and I just wanted to ask if everything's okay. I'm here if you ever need to talk' and leave it at that. She will either think you're being a caring friend and it might spark a conversation up, or she will react badly, but at least she knows you care enough to say something.

Or you could message and say 'hey, are you okay? You looked a bit unwell after the race so just wanted to check in' or something.

We have a really weird mentality around weight in the UK, so I know most would say don't say anything. But if you care about her it's your decision to make. Depends how close you are too. If she's just a mate you see at school gates then it isn't your place. But if she's an actual friend then I don't think you're in the wrong for wanting to reach out. I can't imagine my best friend for example ballooning and just not saying anything and vice versa.

No no no no no.

"Sad and worried" is just weird. There are so many women who are overweight, obese or morbidly obese just getting on with life and doing so many different things for themselves and other people. They don't need your sadness or your worry. I was morbidly obese, if my friends had staged a concerned "sad and worried" intervention I would have been mortified and I am not sure that I would have managed to get past that in the friendship. And it would not have made any difference to my weight, and probably made it worse due to the embarrassment and attention being focussed on what other people seemingly perceive as a personal failing.

Don't, I have a well meaning friend who I know was itching to say something when I put on a lot of weight in menopause. Especially as at the time she was breezing through the menopause...

A couple of years later she started putting on menopause weight and was finding it hard to shift (she's still slim just not as slim as she used to be and finding it harder to shift the weight than she used to)...and kind of semi- admitted that she was glad she hadn't said anything to me. We all knew I'd put on weight there was no point in saying anything. I'm losing it now - slowly....

There is no way to comment about your 'concern' and keep the friendship. I'd have felt so judged and patronised when I was obese if a friend mentioned it. I knew I was fat and it was affecting my health. The rule exists for a reason

I remember a close friend noticing my weight gain after my mum died (comfort ate). She asked me if I fancied a walk/jog quite often. I went with her then started going alone inbetween. It was a welcomed push to become more active. She didn’t say anything about my weight, just it would be great to become more healthy especially at our age!

No OP, please don't. Your friend will be acutely aware of her weight, despite laughing about her unfitness and appearing not to be bothered. Your friendship will be in danger and she'll be upset, which I'd hope you don't want.

This is what I was going to say. Perhaps ask her if she wants to start walking with you to improve her fitness, so that next year she can complete the race.

thought i'd have made it clear from what I posted that i'm clearly not going to go "you're fat, you need to lose weight"

Your AIBU is whether you should break the 'never comment on weight rule'.

What were you actually proposing to say? 'Are you okay, are you finding things physically harder' isn't actually any different to 'you have put on a lot of weight' or 'you need to lose weight'.

As PP said, the only thing you can do is suggest joining a group / exercise together, one that you want to do yourself.

There isn’t a kind way to mention it. She knows she’s overweight and doesn’t need you to tell her.

However, you can be supportive if she decides she wants to do something about it and tells you this. You could go for walks together or find other social ways to get active. But you can’t “fix” her. She needs to decide for herself.

If I was your friend and you messaged me like that I'd tell you to fuck off and mind your own business. You wouldn't be my friend much longer.

However you word it, any comment implies judgement of her lifestyle and diet. Just say nothing at all.

Good lord no.

She knows, especially if she used to be fit and maintain her weight.

If you did this to me I would cut you out my life. My weight and fitness isn’t for my friends to decide, it’s for me to work on, you would be massively over stepping the mark.

10/10 to her for joining in with the race. 🙌

If she wants to talk about it, she will bring it up. You can listen closely and ask how you can support her. Until then, don't say anything.

I think we have a very odd attitude towards weight given these responses - its like mentiuoning weight is the very worst thing a person could do. Not the same in other countries.

People saying the OP will 'shame' her friend - surely shame breeds in silence.

When I was very unwell with an ED, my childhood friend who I meet up with a few times a year (and is a GP) did send me a concerned message. She was worried about me. I was able to tell her that I was struggling and was receiving professional help. Mentally I was in a state of denial, intellectually I knew I was very underweight. If she'd raised it when we had met up it would have been terribly difficult; doing so from a bit of distance was still uncomfortable but gave me space to sit with acknowledging that I was unwell.
It didn't change our friendship at all.

What are you hoping to achieve by this? She will know she is overweight and unfit. She may have health issues that you don’t know about. Just don’t.

Absolutely this. She knows full well she is overweight and unfit, and only she can make the decision to do anything about that. If and when she does, then is the time to show support. Until then, say nowt.

Unless you are her doctor, you have no idea what her actual health is. So being ‘concerned’ is about you and your feelings toward fat people. In other words, shaming.

Always better to reflect on your own bias and shallowness and whether you could do better as a friend than trying to change her.

It's not the very worst thing a person could do. But it won't help at all. It won't be news to the friend, it won't make her feel like she's being supported, it will likely upset and embarrass her and damage the friendship. Shame may breed in silence, but it's not for you as an external person to force a break in the silence! It's up to the individual if they choose to speak out about something that's bothering them, not have it forced on them unwillingly.

Can you explain what you would hope to achieve by telling a friend that their weight is now a problem for them, @pillorinjection ?