AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

She knows. Just leave her alone.

Feel sad and worried all you like, but keep it to yourself.
I've seen this happen before, someone bringing up weight gain " out of concern"
It didn't go well.
In fact the relationship never recovered.

It would very likely mean the end of your friendship. There’s no way to raise this without making her feel judged. Don’t do it.

She knows!
What do you mean by 'situation'? Save your sadness and worry for other situations. She sounds happier than you do!

At most I would suggest doing an activity together that maybe you wouldn't want to do by yourself e.g. park yoga or a dance class

You think she doesn’t know?
I have a friend who drinks way too much. I mean at least a bottle a day. In the past, and only when she’s brought it up herself, I’ve says ‘I’m giving up alcohol for Lent, up for the challenge’? Or ‘I’ve decided not to drink Monday to Thursday, want to join me’? The answer has always been no. So I don’t talk about it. She’s been told by her doctor she drinks too much. Her husband doesn’t really drink and he’s made very unhelpful comments in the past. Nothing has made her do anything.
Whatever is going to make my friend drink less or your friend lose weight, it ain’t going to be from anything anyone has said.
I’m overweight. I am aware of it every second of the day. I don’t need a ‘friend’ to try and be ‘helpful’. If anything that would drive me straight to the fridge!

Say absolutely nothing unless she raises it herself.

Right ok, I thought i'd have made it clear from what I posted that i'm clearly not going to go "you're fat, you need to lose weight" so I don't know why people are saying I shouldn't say that.

If the advice is I shouldn't say anything then that's fine but please don't make out like i'm being horrible about it or intended to shame her!

About the only thing you can do is think of a physical fitness thing you can do together and ask her if she wants to come along. This is something friends do. "I'm thinking of taking that new yoga course. Want to come with? I could do with the moral support," kind of thing.

Only mention her weight to her if you don't expect much of a friendship going forward. She knows her weight, she doesn't need someone who's supposed to be her old friend pointing it out. There's no good way to approach this issue without you sounding either judgemental or patronising.

The very act of saying anything will mean she is probably going to feel shame. Can you not see that?

I wouldn't mention it, she already knows. But I would maybe suggest fun things you've seen and could do together for example clubbercize. Not in a 'you need this' kind of way but more of 'ooh this looks fun, do you fancy going with me?'.

I'd leave it, tbh. She must be aware and as everyone else has said, these sorts of conversations generally don't end well, however gently the subject is brought up

I used to be a lot heavier and lost weight due to becoming diabetic some years ago, am now 9st 5lb.
Saw someone recently who asked if I was on skinny jabs I told her the reason and that it was a chronic condition. She gaped and shut up.

You're not really that fit then or in a position to lecture anyone else. You need to do at least 75 minutes at least of vigorous activity a week and a couple of sessions of weight-bearing exercise, plus working on your core. You should be doing running, spin, weights, yoga and swimming like me.

I'm really concerned about you heading towards osteoporosis and a lack of strength, fitness and flexibility as you get older.

How did that make you feel, OP?

I would never actually say that to a friend in real life, even if there is some truth in it. Very much each to their own with exercise.

Yes of course I can, but thats different from people making out that I somehow deliberately want to shame her!

Your not going to say anything she doesn't already know.

She knows. So you don't need to inform her. But you could say: I really want to do C25K but I know I won't do it on my own. Do you fancy doing it with me?

You might not be shaming her but she doesn't need you telling her out right, hinting or saying anything about her health.

Keep your sadness and worry to yourself, your feelings are irrelevant in this situation. It's not up to you to decide what she should do with her body. She knows she's put on weight and the effects it's having on her.

If she talks to you about it just listen, don't say you've noticed, and remain neutral. She will know exactly what you mean if you start encouraging exercise etc. She will take it as you saying she's fat. She knows she is.
If you decide to mention it you can expect your friendship to dwindle.

Speaking as someone whose family member decided it would be helpful several times to inform me how much weight I'd put on. In the end I told her never to mention my weight unless I brought the subject up, i lived every day in my body so it wasn't a surprise that I was fat, up to me what I did about it. If it had been a friend I would have cooled the friendship significantly.

Don’t do it! One of my best (and very longstanding) friends is very overweight. She has mentioned it a couple of times and I just say non-committal stuff. I know what I’d like to advise, but she’s never asked for my advice so I STFU. We’ve been away together and I was pretty surprised at how much she ate (snacked).

She was telling me recently she’d put on weight in last few months and we ‘agreed’ it was prob because she had done less exercising but really I think it’s more of a food issue.

But what else were you meaning? You've said she struggled physically, and you've said she's gained weight. What else are you thinking she needs to know that you could possibly offer to the situation? Asking "if she's OK" or "if she's finding things harder physically" when you can obviously see that things are harder just seems pointless, as it's still implying that she doesn't know she's fat or unfit. She knows. What she might not know is that people care about her as a person regardless of her weight or size or fitness, so treating her normally like a friend, doing what you normally do, would be the kindest thing! If she asks for support, or someone to go to classes with, etc, that different, and you could do that with her. But otherwise, leave her be. What good would her knowing that you can see she's heavier or more unfit possibly do, even if you couch it in 'concern'? It's not going to make her magically able to lose weight if she can't currently. She will lose it when she's able to address it for whatever reason. Keeping self-esteem up would probably be the most helpful thing, by showing her that her worth as a friend is unrelated to weight or fitness.

Agreed, but she could say - I’m starting to try and go on a walk every Thursday night, do you fancy coming with me.

I'm fitter than most people i know cos i like feeling fit. I think its other people's business how they treat their body and would never say anthing, including smoking, drinking, over eating and sedentary lifestyles

No don’t. I have a morbidly obese friend and I never ever acknowledge it. Even if she says she needs to lose weight I’ll just say something very neutral in response.

Just don’t go there, she’s not waiting for you to say something to motivate her to lose weight. She’ll do it if and when she is ready.