AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

@Dontwanttobeahelicopter not saying anything about her weight isn't the same thing as encouraging an unhealthy lifestyle.

I’ve actually only come across this mindset on MN. IRL IME it’s entirely normal to express the fact that you are worried about someone close to you and offer support if it’s done in the right way. OP isn’t criticising her friends’ appearance - she’s witnessed her struggling and is concerned for her health, and has been perfectly clear on that. Doesn’t stop the rude responses though.

I went and re-read the posts before mine. Nobody said you would deliberately want to shame her and none of the comments make out as such either. Sorry.

But you do need to understand that just mentioning it at all will (probably) feel shame. I would add embarrassment and judgement into the mix as a possible reaction to you by mentioning it, no matter how you approach it. It's a sensitive topic and as everyone else said, she already knows. You won't achieve anything good whatsoever by bringing it up.

But it's nothing to be ashamed about? Sometimes, an honest and gentle conversation can be the kickstart we need. I certainly do sometimes. I think we often want to avoid any negative feelings at all cost but it's sometimes necessary to work through those, rather than remain tight-lipped just because it's easier.

Do you think she hasn't noticed... I can assure you she has.

Say nothing, if she at some point asks you for support provide it then.

I think I would approach it from a position of health. I couldn’t care less what someone looks like - but would have the concern from the health perspective. I would though weigh up if she was the type of person who is receptive to such a comment. I personally have a rule not to give an opinion unless it’s asked for. I don’t see this as any different to drinking too much/ taking drugs etc, but am aware that others may do and it is such a sensitive issue.

Good luck if you decide to say something.

Come on OP, dont be disingenuous. You know it would shame her and embarrass her if you mentioned it, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked on here.
Faux concern for her health (as if she is magically oblivious to her weight gain!) seems to be a way for you to make her feel bad about herself.
Just because you’re not struggling with your weight does not make you superior to her.

@ThreadGuardDog I've been obese, morbidly so for a fair while, all my adult life and I have never had a friend raise my weight with me and offer me "support". Thankfully!

@emzybobz89

In actual fact, you don’t need to mention her weight directly OP. You saw her struggle at sports day so you could start with your concern over that, because that’s the crux of the matter isn’t ? It’s not her weight or her appearance that are the concern, but the knock on effects that the weight gain is clearly having.

What on earth do you think the outcome of this intervention will be?

Do you seriously think for a second she isn't aware of how her body has changed or how unfit she is? If you are such a good friend then surely you have some inkling of any problems she is dealing with anyway.

Do not comment or offer support to lose weight or get fit unless she comments first and asks for your advice.

She’s fully aware of her weight gain. What do you think your comment will add to the situation?

I don’t think OP needs to raise her weight as the issue, because in itself, it’s not the issue and neither is her appearance. OP is concerned about the effect on her health and I don’t think there’s any harm in approaching it from that angle, having seen her struggle at the sports day. I’ve been obese myself and the motivation to lose the weight was from my GP who took me aside and bluntly told me that the weight gain was having all sorts of knock on effects on my health and that I was going to be in severe difficulty if I didn’t lose it.

Not suggesting that such a blunt approach is necessarily the right one, but I don’t think it’s wrong to express concern.

Its not faux-concern at all, and nothing to do with me being superior! You seem to be projecting a lot here!

I understand it could cause shame and embarrassment, but that doesnt make it faux-concern

Do you really thinks she lacks so much self-awareness that she has no idea already? Poor woman is already laughing at herself. Trust me, she knows. Why would she need you to "point it out"? She isn't stupid.

This is about you and your feelings, and those feelings are your responsibility to manage.

You shouldn't be saying anything to her, however you frame it.

Obviously don't say anything! Do you usually have this little social awareness?

I'm sure if you were to offer practical help like having her children for two hours three times a week so she could go to the gym she would leap on it. Otherwise keep your opinions to yourself. Pointing out to someone they are fat has never made anyone thinner.

Only if the overweight friend approaches the subject first. To offer out of the blue is the same as pointing out they are fat.

@ThreadGuardDog ah, I guess the OP can try that and see how well it goes down. I would have been very upset if a friend had said they were concerned about my health in this sort of situation, and I would have definitely withdrawn from the friendship to some degree as a result.

Some people respond to blunt shaming and judgement, other people it has the opposite result. Personally, motivation to lose the weight was not the issue, I was desperate to lose it but never was able to, for any sustained period of time. I could lose some weight for a while, but always regained it and more on top. A very common cycle once you are overweight/obese.

She’s very aware she’s put on weight and won’t need any helpful comments.
yabu

I think generally making time for her for one to one time to open up to you and see how she’s really feeling

maybe she is in an abusive relationship or very stresssd and the weight gain is linked to this., and these think are linked. The photos of me with a fat chubby face when I was with my ex are unrecognizable to me now!

As someone who has been overweight, I was always aware of that fact and had a certain amount of guilt about it. If a friend had told me they were worried about me, I would have felt even worse. I think it would be best to wait until she wants to do something about it to offer support.

It wasn't serious! Parody more like

OP, this is MN. It was only ever going to be a matter of time before someone accused you of ‘faux concern’ It’s beyond some posters’ comprehension that you could genuinely be concerned about someone close to you, enough to want to intervene, because you’ve witnessed them struggling with weight related difficulties, and don’t want to see them drop dead from a heart attack or stroke. Much better to let them carry on undisturbed until they fuck up their health completely because it would be ‘rude’ to indicate that you’re worried about them.

You think she's 'probably' aware of her weight?