AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

An acceptable option might be walking to a cafe that's a modest distance away for a coffee together on a regular basis. Make sure that exercise isn't the main focus - you are out just because the weather is nice. I would find it stressful to be the subject of someone's concern in this way - it might even have me adding a cake to my coffee through low morale - so I would keep it low-key and more about the chat than how many steps you are managing.

But you'd still be knowingly causing her shame. Even with the best of intentions.

Such a sensitive subject.
I also have a very close friend who has been obese for about the past 30ish years, we’re mid-50s.
She’s an intelligent woman and I know she has tried various diets but only because she’s offered that information to me.
I’ve never initiated a conversation.
The diets haven’t worked and, like you OP, I am also worried about her longterm health in the same way that I would be if she was a heavy drinker or smoker.
I’m worried because I care about her very much.
I understand where you’re coming from OP.

If in doubt - as you are - say nothing.

If you absolutely must, then the absolute maximum you could say is 'I was thinking about trying swimming/the gym because I don't do any exercise.' and if she says 'oh, that sounds fun', you say 'Do you fancy being my wingman?' as she's far less likely to sustain any injuries doing those rather than impact exercise at a higher weight.

IF she is thinking about making changes, that gives her a less intimidating way into it or the ability to decline without feeling that you're hedging around OMG you're soooo fat now. Which she is quite probably thinking about herself in any case.

I was going to suggest this too.

I think you need to consider what you're hoping to achieve from a conversation like that.

If you truly think you can do some good by talking to her about it, then perhaps. But do you think it is likely? Is this conversation with you the thing that is going to make the difference for her and change things?

Are you that close that she will feel entirely secure in that conversation and know 100% that it's coming from a good place?

And is she going to take action as a result of it?

I think it's very risky OP in terms of the cost vs benefit. It's unlikely to be the trigger for change, and is more likely to upset her and damage your relationship.

Personally, there is no one in my life I'd have a conversation like that with except for maybe my husband and even then I'd proceed with caution!

FWIW I don’t think you’re being a dick, or intending to lecture your friend. I can tell from the way you have written this it’s from genuine concern for a friend you care dearly about. However, she knows, and she doesn’t need you to say anything. I say this with kindness 💐

She lives inside her body and you think she doesn't know? Are you quite dim? Or just nasty?

I voted YANBU but not because I think you should say "hey you're fat!".
I have in the past asked friends to go to an exercise class with me when they have (I hoped) been at about the same level of fitness and commitment to me (i.e. we both needed help with both).
I would approach it as "hey, I feel like that sports day was a wake-up call for me as I really felt that race/didn't even manage to start the race because I'm so unfit, good on you for doing it. Would you do me a huge favour and come with me to X class?"

I had a friend who commented on my weight when we were on holiday when we were 20. Note the word "had". The friendship never recovered and I spent the rest of the holiday covering up in shade feeling self-conscious and judged.

Never comment on someone's weight.

OP I am going against the grain here and say that sometimes in a real friendship, an intervention/ tough love is necessary. You are obviously concerned about her health, not her looks.

I really don't understand previous posters who suggest you should carry on encouraging this kind of unhealthy lifestyle.

It's a shame in fact that nowadays any negative comment is immediately taken as offence

You haven’t given the rationale for why on earth you would say anything so I don’t understand why you’ve started the thread?

My very un empathetic teen daughter would be horrified at this suggestion, she’d understand immediately why it would be an absolutely hideous and unkind thing to do to someone.

I’m baffled that you don’t get it. You also seemed to revel in all the details of telling us how much she struggled at sports day.

Beak out and focus on your own life.

OP borrow my sister in law

she would absolutely advise your friend - bluntly

she would think that she's doing her a huge favour by imparting her advice

(probably cultural)

This woman is very aware she is fat and unfit, what exactly are you going to achieve saying "wow you were so unfit attempting the sportsday race, you really have piled it on, are you ok hun? Let me help you feel a little bit more shit about yourself because you clearly haven't noticed you are double the size compared to a few years ago and can barely walk let alone jog."

Don't do it.

How can you be completely torn between not wanting to upset her and having a totally unnecessary and awkward conversation that will result in nothing but hurt and bad feeling?

Honestly.

You think she doesn’t know? What would it achieve saying something? Mind your beeswax

Say that you’re thinking of getting fitter/joining a spin class etc and would she like to come with you so it’s support for each of you and you can chat/catch up before and afterwards

I think this post says more about you than it does OP.

If and when she raises the subject again could you kindly offer support in a weight loss/improve health regime? We aren’t all super fit and as slim as we would like and perhaps a bit of encouragement to rework her diet and maybe some power walking together might just give her the moral support she needs.

Do you honestly think you'd be telling her something she doesn't already know OP?

She knows exactly what is happening to her own body, and unhelpful friends 'concern' about her weight won't be received well, so just don't.

Mentioning it at all is shaming her!

It is a good job you asked, as no one appears to think it’s a great idea. Not saying you’d do this but I’m dubious of the “I’m just worried about you” line. It’s as if it gives someone carte blanche to give unwarranted advice.

It’s not about taking offence, it is about making her feel shame. It’s a different thing altogether.

You won’t be telling her something she doesn’t know. You won’t be telling her for her. Your comment won’t immediately click a plan of action into place.

Of course she said she wasn’t 20 anymore! She wasn’t going to come along and say “oh well, I forgot I was fat!”

Just leave her weight alone!

I found it helpful when my good friend pointed out my weight gain to me because I hadn't realised just how much weight I had put on. It turns out I had a medical issue, and I was grateful to my friend for prompting me to do something about it.