AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Yeah, I'm sorry about your childhood, that sounds rough in many ways but they are your parents. It's very strange to forget to tell them you're having a baby in 2 months.

I think that regardless of how much a parent may deserve this sort of treatment not telling them about something as significant as a wedding or a pregnancy is going to be interpreted as a snub. I'm not saying that you are wrong to treat them this way but it isn't realistic to expect them to be cool with being treated this way.

That’s so weird you didn’t tell them until you’re what? 30 weeks ?

How often do you speak on the phone and what do you talk about then if it isn't for the important things happening in your life?

I understand your pov on being distant with your parents but I do think forgetting to tell them you're pregnant is a bit odd and I see why your mum wouldn't take this well

It’s not entirely clear what you’re asking, but you get to make your own decisions about your adult relationship with your parents, but you get that they’re not necessarily going to see things as you do, right?

I went to boarding school and I think yabu. If their only crime was to send you to boarding school rather than disrupting your schooling by moving you every time they moved, that's not abusive. You didn't see them "a few weeks a year", boarding school holidays are very long. If you even got taken out for exeats (I couldn't have that, too far), then you saw them plenty. Them letting you host parties at their house is not a sign of not caring. You sound a little bit spoilt and childish imo.

Understandable given your distant relationship with your parents but I absolutely understand why she is upset. Given there is no 'bad blood' between you, I can understand why your mum is very upset.

Understandable I genuinely just kept forgetting to tell them because I didn’t think they’d care it wasn’t done maliciously. They have never showed any intrest in anything that I have ever done I don’t think they did that on purpose either they’re just engrossed in their own lives.

You were on a casual catch up call with your mother and you happened to mention your due to give birth in a few months. I could understand if your had a bad relationship with her but in your own words you don't really just disagree with your upbringing. It's very very odd what you have done. What on earth do you talk about on the phone if not stuff like that ?

The thought that my daughter might genuinely forget to tell me about her pregnancy absolutely horrifies me 😟 I can see why she'd be upset

I hate to say it, but maybe once you have children you'll understand

I think you’re being disingenuous saying they wouldn’t be interested and ‘forgetting’ to invite them to your wedding, it’s clearly a way you are trying to punish them.

You do not have to be very emotionally intelligent to understand that weddings and babies are big news. Particularly if you have a relationship with your mum where you do call each other occasionally.

I’m really sorry you had a painful upbringing, but in this I think you are being unreasonable. I’m not saying they ‘deserve’ or ‘don’t deserve’ to know, I’m just saying I think you are lying to yourself with the pretence ‘I didn’t think they’d care’

How often do you see/speak to them? I think it is odd that you forgot not tell them but your childhood sounds a little detached (but maybe your parents don’t).

Every other week or so. Nothing much never anything important my father likes to ask if I’ve read the latest in the Financial Times or what’s happening in British politics.

A lot of my conversations with my parents is essentially just social commentary they’re very academics now retired but they read a lot and like reccomendimg me things. They mention my husband from time to time just to ask how he is but nothing more. Never asked me if I plan to have children so I just assumed they never cared I wasn’t hurt by it. We just have different priorities.

Im not sure the therapy has helped it sounds like you’re punishing them - they were distant to you so now you get to be distant to them. Forgot to invite them to the wedding? That’s very weird.

Which is it though? You forgot or you didn’t think they’d care? It can’t be both.

If this is real then you’re kidding yourself thinking you’ve processed it all. I’d say you have a lot of resentment towards them.

You speak to them regularly?

Then yes it's weird. It's not that you "forgot to tell them". You either completely forgot you were pregnant each time you spoke or you decided to not tell them with the intention of hurting them.

Either have a pleasant relationship with them or don't but having a weird one where you hide the biggest thing that's ever happened whilst having "casual catch ups" sounds rather unhealthy.

It seems that the "plenty of therapy" you've had has not helped you at all, but rather trained you to hold contempt for your parents.

I'd also not send my dcs to boarding school (not that I could afford it these days) but my dm absolutely did the best she could for me and I don't resent it at all. And I couldn't go back for exeats or even half terms.

I think a lot of "therapy" these days actually entrenches needless resentment and poor-me-ing. I don't see much to feel sorry for in op's story. It would be interesting to hear her mum's side.

It's weird to forget you have parents, even if you're not close to them.

Even for boarding school kids (my bil was one and it damaged his relationship with his parents too) that seems incredibly detached. Im glad you've found a therapist - I think when you have your child you may need them again. Becoming a parent makes us confront the way were parented in greater depth and you may find you become incredibly angry with your parents and need help to get passed it.

If you’d chosen not to tell them, then I get it but it’s very unusual to actually forget. I mean, this is massive news and it seems almost disassociated to just not remember to mention such a big thing.

It's often considered quite rude to ask if people are planning children. I wouldn't ever ask someone unless they brought up the subject.

There are probably not many of us who
can relate to hardly knowing our parents. How often do you talk to each other? If it’s once a month YABU because you’ve had many opportunities to tell them.
if it’s twice a year, I think it’s more understandable.

Either way, nothing you can do to change what’s happened.

Never asked me if I plan to have children so I just assumed they never cared

That's called "not asking intrusive questions"!

Seriously? You think a string of boarding schools makes up for a secure home, family and engaged, active parents? Sorry for your kids then.