AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

I am reasonably certain you haven’t read the full thread. It helps.

I can understand why you've interpreted it that way, and I don't dismiss the possibility that unresolved family dynamics can sometimes play out through distance rather than confrontation. Where I think we differ is in the confidence with which you're applying that interpretation to me. A forum post is only ever a snapshot and there is a great deal of context that isn't there.

It's also not just my pregnancy or my wedding, my wedding was at Islington town hall in the register office, it wasn't anything extravagant, we wanted it to be us and our friends and family members, my parents did attend, I probably would have had a lovely day eve if they chose not to attend. Prior to marriage my husband and I were together for 7 years, my parent's have met him, they have never asked him anything about himself or anything substantial one of the first times he met them he was very nervous, then realised they don't really care. There are many parts of my life that my parents don't know about, not because I'm consciously withholding them, but because we've never had that kind of relationship. Over the years, I've simply stopped expecting much curiosity or engagement.

A fairly mundane example is that my parents still used to send me gifts containing nuts when I was at school, despite me having a severe nut allergy since childhood. I'd actually been hospitalised because of it when I was little, and eventually my school matron had to ring them to remind them that I still couldn't eat nuts. That wasn't malice, but it does rather illustrate the level of attention they paid to what was going on in my life, the hospitalisation, they were there as it was before I started boarding.

So I don't think what's happened here is an unconscious attempt to punish them. I think it's much more ordinary than that: over many years we've developed a relationship where they aren't particularly involved in my life, and I don't naturally think to tell them everything. That may be sad, but it's different from the dynamic you've described.

Your perspective is one possible lens, and I'm happy to reflect on it. I will do the work to make sure I can be an attentive mother and I hope I can bond with my son and hopefully my husband and I can be good loving parents. We will make mistakes but hopefully we can remember information such as allergies.

Also I do no think you have read my thread fully or taken into account the various situations and examples,

OMG that nut allergy example is INSANE.

My parents give my ds things containing nuts too,I also have a severe alley and I have to check food every single bloody time and they behave like it's the first time they've heard about it. It's tiresome.

I've read all your input on this thread OP, and don't think I've missed it if you've said..... I wanted to ask, how often do you see your parents, we know you speak to them regularly, but how often do you see them in person?

Also before you went to boarding school, was it your mother, an au pair, relative or nanny who brought you up?

It could further emphasise to others your lack of connection with your parents.

I don't understand why you're getting so much flack.

What age were you packed off to boarding school?

If you have kids a d opt to have them raised in an institution, albeit an expensive one, then you can't expect the same relationship as parents who wake up with, eat dinner with and go to bed in the same house as those children every day. You earn that relationship.

Your parents don't get to feel hurt you're not treating them like close family when they didn't treat you like close family

It’s sad for you and them that something has made you so detached.

I wonder what you’ll be like with your own DC.

The ending of this post is a needlessly cruel comment.

OP has repeatedly shared that she had a miscarriage, that her current pregnancy is very much longed for, and that she is already looking forward to (and determined to) have a healthy and loving bond with her baby. She sounds like she will be a loving mother, nothing indicates otherwise. She knows the importance of a loving, warm and genuine bond because of what was lacking in her own childhood. She has given no indication whatsoever that she’ll be anything other than a loving mum.

Yes it would be good to have a thumbs down emoji as well as a thumbs up.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch I get you. Only yesterday I was talking to my husband about my mother’s total lack of interest in our lives. I didn’t go to boarding school, in fact I grew up on benefits. But my mother considered that once I was 18 I was someone else’s problem. She’s got zero interest in my life. She’s been to my house once in the last 10 years. I just don’t bother telling her about anything that’s going on with me. It’s a waste of my time. Our fortnightly phone calls consist of a hour of her talking about her ailments and the ailments of all her neighbours. She doesn’t know what I do for a living, she can’t remember my kids birthdays, if I never saw her again she wouldn’t be bothered. She got married again last year and didn’t invite me or my sister.

Some people’s family relationships are like this and you do best to save your energy and time for those who are interested in what you are doing.

Enjoy your baby and your new chapter of family life.

But very telling!

OP you don’t have to feel bad about not telling your parents or pay attention to these mumsnet types that are astounded and shocked and dismayed* that your family had money and privilege and yet you are not abjectly tied to your parents with mawkish performances of sentiment.

You and your siblings sound very well grounded. Congratulations on your pregnancy and all my best wishes for the birth. I sm sure you and your dh will make wonderful parents.

I have the opposite. She has a massive interest , but it’s all about what it gives her ; bragging rights, something to put me down with or making it all about her.Half the time she doesn’t even listen properly, and just replies to what she THINKS I said. A bit like some posters on here. As a result, I tell her very little and my thought is never “I have to tell my mum!” so she’s very low down on the list if at all.

OP, maybe the fact that you are NOT angry, is what is baffling to everyone here. The level of detachment you describe all around is abnormal, maybe that's why a lot of us don't get it.

I get it! Lots of us get it! Its not hard! Her childhood was completely normal to her so what is there to be angry about?

I don’t think she will get angry until after the baby is born and as he grows and she really viscerally experiences the connection her parents rejected.

I don't know why my post was deleted, but she literally said in her first post that she forgets they exists.

"I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist."

Did you say you find it hard to believe that the OP forgets her DPs exist? Other posts saying similar have been deleted.

That's exactly what I said. She talks to her parents every other week. Obviously they don't have a healthy relationship, but she doesn't forget that she has parents!

You didn’t forget to tell them, you simply didn’t bother. It’s odd behaviour.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch

All I hear in your posts is cognitive dissonance

I hear acceptance.

Private boarding school terms are short. How did you only live with them for a few weeks of the year?

I can see where OP is coming from. Although I 'lived' with my Ps I wouldn't have communicated much to them. I only told them necessary stuff when there, i.e. when I was working, going on holiday, getting married. Never told them about sickness once I left home. When I was pregnant my DM guessed when she saw me both times. Not everyone has a close relationship.

OP answered this. People don’t seem to be reading all her posts. It’s very easy to do so - you can filter them and just read hers if you don’t want to read the whole thread. She’s been very transparent and answered questions.

They weren’t really permanent residents in the country. They were often working in other countries sometimes we would go visit them other times we’d stay with various family members ie grandparents, aunts etc as growing up we had lots of cousins similar ages to my siblings and I. When we were much younger we had a French nanny who did live at our house and she taught us French and various other things. I am still in touch with her, she was in her mid 20s when she first started looking after us. We visit her every so often, last time we saw her was 2024 but we are all in contact with her. Not everyday but often enough once every couple of months she calls to check up and just have a chat as she’s back living in France now.

There is so much more to what your parents did for the four children they had than the financial aspect. They were well off. Writing a cheque was the easy part. They may not have done all that you wanted or needed or even as much as whatever well adjusted parents would do. But they did more than just pay for things. As you will find out when your baby arrives. And the point of this is that you feel okay with thinking that because all they did was pay for stuff it’s okay for you to forget they exist to the point of not telling them you’re having a baby (despite speaking to them twice a month - more than I speak to my parents thinking about it!).

I think you’ve actually proven your own points with this revealing understanding of what you think they did for you. My reading of previous posters’ comments about your privileges is totally unrelated to the financial aspect - but I come from a very secure and loving foundation and see things that you don’t seem to see. You didn’t have that foundation in your life. You took the lead from your distant parents and are giving as good as you think you got: nothing. Barely worth mentioning, forgotten, living far away, rarely present, absent from daily life, utterly distant.