AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Wow. I've just seen you have spoken roughly fortnightly throughout your pregnancy. That is a lot of calls to have not told them such important news.

You describe them as catch up calls so you know there's an expectation of news being passed on.

I agree they’re not awful people at all. They had very demanding jobs I do sympathise I’m just distant with them as I don’t really know them. I’m not distant with others I made very good friends at school that I still see to this day our ‘girl group’ of 8 is still going strong we bonded over our experiences. I have a great husband who I love very much. Despite my experiences I am quite a caring person I’m not bitter I’ve just learnt to get on with life. I was bitter when I was in my early 20s then I went travelling and saw how people lived and realised how privileged I was. I had everything I could ever think of, I don’t think I ever really worked for anything in my life , my first job which led to all the jobs I’ve had was pretty much handed to me by my father’s friend. I’ve never had to worry about money, whilst some of my friends had to pay rent my parents had a flat in Earls Court that they let me live in when I first graduated to get started in London. It’s things like that. I am grateful for my parents but I’m also just not close to them nor have I ever had the chance to build that bond with them.

My parents didn’t ask me if I planned to have children either . I thought it was generally considered rude to ask people things like that.

tbh you are trying to act all causal “oh almost forgot to invite them to my wedding “ but it’s very clear you are full of resentment and not neutral. I think you need more therapy

You forgot to tell them? Come off it

I don't think you forgot. It was deliberate.

As a test I'd say your mother passed. She does care about you and what you're doing. You can't change the past but you can change the future. How you take this forward is up to you.

This. It doesn’t sound a very poor upbringing to me.

To not mention your wedding or impending child to a parent, who seems to have done little wrong, is just very weird. 🤷‍♀️

You don’t forgot your pregnant! If you speak every week or so you have chosen not to mention it for months. I can see why that would be hurtful but you obviously don’t feel close enough to share this major event. Has it occurred to you that maybe they feel closer to you than you do to them?

im not close to my parents, i grew up at home but they rarely did anything with us we were sent out to play constantly. We never talked beyond the superficial, if I cried I got told off. As an adult I moved out at 18, i would see them/ speak to them every month or so. They weren’t involved in my life in any way and invitations to be involved were usually declined. I had a conversation with my mum one time and she mentioned that she appreciated how close we were as she never had that with her parents. I realised to her we had a close relationship because I saw or spoke to her once a month and we got on fine. It’s all about perspective.

Yes sorry OP, I do find this very odd and I don’t think you really forgot to tell them or invite them to your wedding. I’d be terribly hurt as your mum. They may have never asked because they thought it might be intrusive.

Is this a reverse?

“Never asked me if I plan to have children so I just assumed they never cared”

OP, that’s outrageously unfair. If a parent doesn’t ask about your intentions, has it occurred to you that it might be to spare your feelings in case there’s a problem, or even that they think it’s none of their business? Your DPs did their best for you - sent you to expensive schools rather than disrupt your education; took you on holiday; allowed parties at home; made sure you had money - and I’m sorry, but “forgetting” to tell your parents you’re getting married or having a baby is just off the scale. Don’t you want your own DC to have some sort of relationship with its grandparents? Don’t take your parents for granted: they won’t be around for ever, and they may turn out to be very good grandparents. At the very least, allow your DPs to be grandparents.

Agree most likely

There is only so much therapy one can have I have had therapy I genuinely just never tell them anything about my life. Our last conversation before the most one was pretty much an hour talking about Starmer reisgning

Your parents had children who were shipped off to boarding school (probably from a young age). Their career was more important than being hands-on and engaged parents. Instead of spending time with you all, you were given money and freedoms that most children wouldn't have been allowed. It was easier for your parents to do this, than be available to you.

My friend went to boarding school from aged 5. She rarely went home, and spent all her holidays at her grandparents in Scotland. Her parents split when she was a baby, and essentially her Mum couldn't be bothered with her. She has a relationship with her Dad, but a very fractured one with her Mum.

I can absolutely understand why you don't have a close relationship with your parents. You were 'parented' by staff at a boarding school, who in essence raised you.

To me, not telling my Mum about my pregnancy would be an alien concept. It just wouldn't happen, but then my relationship with my parents is different. Your parents clearly see their relationship with you differently, compared to how you view it. So yes, I can understand why your Mum is upset. Equally, I can see the situation from your point of view too. All I can say is, try and include them with important news. You then have at least told them, how they deal with that news is then up to them.

I see your point of view but obviously your mum feels differently.

I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy until after 20 weeks because I had to have an amnio, the risks were high and I wanted to work through that on my own. My mum died in the intervening period so she never knew I was expecting. Sad but it was the right choice at the time.

With you, there was no reason why you shouldn't tell her, so I guess it was a bit cold but only you know the real state of your relationship.

Perhaps your child is a good reason to improve your relationship.

I think you’re punishing your parents and you have good reason to do so, but it would be far healthier all round if you communicated honestly with them about how you feel about the way you were brought up.

From what you have said, they were not abusive in any way. Their parenting was very distant but it could have been much worse. Did their parents treat them similarly? Did they also have very distant relationships with their parents? This may explain your experience.

If you want any kind of relationship with them, then the bare minimum is telling them you are pregnant early on. I am not surprised they are hurt. You do not have to involve them in your life but telling them they are going to have a grandchild is important.

I feel you were subconsciously punishing them for your childhood by telling them about the pregnancy so late.

100% agree that was used as an example because various family members have asked. I understand it’s a taboo probably the wrong example to use. All in all I just did not think they cared about anything I did not in a malicious way they were very busy people and still are even in retirement.

I think that when she has her own children OP is likely to understand that her parents' behaviour towards her was worse than she is currently stating.

Her parents brought her up in a very distant way; they have a distant superficial relationship (do not confuse regular phone calls with genuine interest or closeness). Other people in her life have filled the parental role. Essentially they are likely distant relatives that she stays in touch with out of politeness and obligation.

If OP had posted that she had relatives that she speaks to on a superficial level every couple of weeks because they like her to, but has no real relationship or interest in and they have no particular interest in her, would you think it so horrifying that she had not told them about her pregnancy? Because this is the situation here.

I'm sorry about your childhood.

You speak every couple of weeks, how often do you see them?
I don't think you've resolved your feelings about your childhood quite as much as you think you have. I agree with the PP who raised that thinking someone won't care/isn't interested is different to forgetting to tell someone.

Have you ever spoken to your parents about your childhood and their choices? Do any of your siblings have children? What is your relationship with your siblings like?

I have a more distant relationship with my dad than I'd like, our monthly phone calls mainly talking about private eye articles. But we also fill some gaps by talking about other family members one of us may have spoken to or caught up with and passing on their news.

This.

My dc doesn’t board, but does go to a school which does boarding. They have at least 16 weeks of holidays every year, which includes 9 weeks in the summer.

Forgetting to mention to them you are expecting a baby until so late or inviting them to your wedding until somebody prompts you is weird unless you are no contact. Plenty of people were sent to school, my dh and siblings were (even when at day prep it was 9-10 hour days, housekeepers at home) they don’t forget they have parents even if they didn’t play much of a role (I’m sure his dad would have been a lovely grandad but he passed away before any grandkids came along)

Your dh's attitude makes more sense. He doesn't bother to keep in touch.

OP speaks fortnightly but omitted to say she was pregnant. Thats the odd thing. 14 calls and no mention of the pregnancy.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch yet you are perfectly happy to continue to take from your parents and not give anything in return . Not even the courtesy of telling them about their grandchild.

The more you post about your parents, the more bizarre it seems not to have told them about your wedding or your pregnancy.

They seem to be perfectly normal, decent people who worked hard and gave you a fantastic childhood filled with privilege. You don’t describe anything unkind or unpleasant about them or how they raised you.

But I assume she only speaks to them out of a sense of duty as a lot of us do. I dont think she forgets she has them I wonder perhaps when she talks to them it’s not like a parent child relationship it’s more like talking to a stranger on a bus. And you would not think to tell them anything personal.