AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Your parents forgetting that their own daughter has a nut allergy is unforgivable. Depending on the severity of your allergy, they could be putting your life at risk by exposing you to products which include nuts.

You seem very calm at their distressing lack of care or concern for your health and well-being due to their sheer indifference about anything relating to their own children.

In your position, I wouldn't have anything to do with parents like yours. They may not be actively cruel, but their indifference to their own children is almost pathological. I think that they need therapy more than you do.

It genuinely makes me happy that you come from a secure foundation. I hope I can give that to my son too. More than anything I want him to grow up feeling loved, wanted and secure in himself. We wanted him for a long time, we've experienced infertility and a miscarriage, and I didn't think I'd get the chance to be a mum. We’ve fostered children, we’ve looked after my nieces and nephews I know for certain I want to be a mother. Fostering was the best experience for us it wasn’t easy, some of the children came from very trauma filled backgrounded and my experience is nothing compared to theirs. So I don't take any of this for granted.

Parenting is about much more than money. That's actually part of why I struggle with my relationship with my parents. Financial support was never the thing I wanted most. I wanted to feel like they were interested in me as a person maybe that’s silly to some but that’s my experience. As a child I wrote letters (at first it was my duty we had to do it at school but then I grew to like it) and tried to build that relationship. As an adult I tried again to make that bond. It wasn't reciprocated and eventually I accepted that I couldn't keep chasing people who didn't seem to want that connection.

That's why I don't really think of them as "my parents" or “forget that they’re actually my parents” regardless of how often I talk to them about mundane things I don’t see them that way in the emotional sense. I know biologically they are, and I appreciate the practical things they did. But love, interest, presence and emotional safety are what make someone feel like a parent to me (some people are different and maybe for some discussing economics is what makes them feel as though they have a bond with their parents) and those are the things I experienced elsewhere rather than from them.

I don't think children owe their parents a lifelong debt because they were raised. Parents choose to have children; children don't choose to be born. I see it as my responsibility to give my son the best life I can because that's the commitment I'm making when I become his mum, not because I expect anything back from him one day. There’s no expectation from us other than for him to have the opportunity to be himself and experiences life to the fullest. We will support anything he wants to do (within reason of course) if he wants to be a pilot hell yeah we will pay for those lessons, if he wants to travel, yes, if he wants to be an artist, we will make sure he has every opportunity he dreams of (I know some parents might not be able to offer certain opportunities that doesn’t mean they’re bad parents but for us we have that opportunity to give him and all he has to do is be himself and go for anything he wants.) I’ll make sure I get to know him and have a bond with him. If something happens to him I hope he knows we will always be here for him and he can tell us anything.

I've actually talked to my parents since telling them I am expecting, they do not care. We spent our time talking about the new PM. They haven't mentioned it since, which is entirely consistent with the relationship we've always had. If they want to have a relationship with my son, I'd genuinely welcome that because he deserves loving grandparents. But if they don't, he'll still have a wonderful village around him. My husband's parents are fantastic, his godparents were so excited they asked if they could take on that role before we even mentioned it, and he'll grow up surrounded by people who are delighted he exists.

I'm sure becoming a parent will teach me things I don't yet understand, and I know I have my own work to do because I didn't grow up with the kind of foundation you describe. But if anything, my experiences have made me even more determined that my son grows up secure with a strong foundation for and not simply provided for. He will never owe us anything. My goal is not to be indifferent to my child I want to know him and retain information about him. The world is cruel I want him to have people he can always come with a problem, with something he’s excited for, essentially with anything he wishes to share even when he’s my age.

How on earth do you know that? Do you know them personally? They may have hired a night nurse then immediately a selection of nannies and only popped in and out every few weeks so barely seen them the children from babyhood. Why are you assuming they did more when being told they didn't?

And I have children so I know what's involved but ops parents outsourced it.

It sounds like you've already experienced more realities of parenting than your own parents did. You sound like you'll be wonderful at it.

OP you really are going above and beyond for posters who continuously project onto your childhood some bizarre fantasy of their own. I sm so sorry!

You haven’t done anything wrong and tour parents haven’t suffered since they have absorbed the new information without concern.

It may not have been malice but it was indifference and neglect.

You seem to have managed to grow into a successful adult with the empathy that your parents obviously lack. You are not bitter but simply matter-of-fact about their obvious short-comings as parents.

Your parents are obviously self-centred almost to the point of narcissism and while they are not actively malicious, their behaviour and parenting styles have caused you harm.

I would imagine that if you had attended a normal state school where the staff were aware of your nut allergy and your parents had kept including nuts in your lunchbox to the point of you being hospitalised, the safe-guarding staff at the school would have reported your parents to social services.

Their wealth and social standing has protected them from the consequences of their actions.

Please tell us what OP's parents did that was more than just paying for things. You seem to know OP's parents better than OP does. Alternatively, you are just making stuff up to try and show OP in a bad light and to make her feel guilty.

Someone would have reported you as a troll hunter for saying you find an aspect of the OP hard to believe. I said similar to you and was hounded by another user who reported almost every comment I made.

After reading all your posts, honestly, I believe the only opinion that matters is yours.
Your parents were clearly absent in a parental care-figure sense (paying for stuff is not the same as managing your child’s allergy). Despite this you have done well for yourself. If you are comfortable with when you told them about your pregnancy, does their opinion matter?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to have such a detached view of your parents and to expect that they wouldn’t be interested in your pregnancy, given their disinterest in your nieces and nephews.

I suspect, however, that the reason your mum was a bit upset at the time is because she thought/thinks her relationship with you is closer than it is with her other children. You say that your brother hasn’t spoken to them in a year, and I would guess this isn’t a new thing - I suspect that once he was an adult he barely spoke to them. So the fact he didn’t tell them he was going to be a father didn’t seem surprising to your parents and, given they obviously don’t have strong maternal/paternal feelings in general, they weren’t particularly bothered by that. The confronting thing for your mother was that you do speak to them regularly and you all appear to get something out of your regular conversations (even if, from your perspective, it’s superficial) and yet you didn’t mention your pregnancy. You might find that they are marginally more interested in your son than they were in the other grandchildren, because you at least speak to your parents regularly, or you might not. It’s very sad for you all, but I’m glad that your sibling and you have had a lot of support from wider family and that you have each other. That’s a blessing that many don’t have, even if it’s not quite the same as having a strong bond with your parents.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

The fostering information is interesting @BeBreezyAquaFinch . Did it ever come up in conversation with your parents that you were fostering children? I'm wondering how they reacted to that information if you told them about it?

My ex was just like you. Boarded from 5 in country and 7 in another country to his mother and stepfather, never really lived at home again and went from university to police force to army to working for Red Cross in hot spots across the world. He had a "good" relationship with his mother and stepfather and when I queried why he always referred to his stepfather as "step" despite being the only father he'd ever known since about 4 until his 50's and asked if he thought his stepfather cared for him his reply was "well I guess he must have done, he paid for my boarding school".

He once commented that he had worked out that he spent in total (including holidays) about 4 years with his parents over his first 35 years. It wasn't any wonder that he found it very difficult to sustain relationships.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I wonder if you bothered reading the OP or any of their updates, or you didnt understand any of what she wrote, or maybe you are just massively projecting? Worrying that you claim to be a psychotherapist yourself, hope you dont project onto your patients in a similar way.

Well the OP herself says that the interpretation "is one possible lens, and I'm happy to reflect on it."

I don't even know what a troll hunter is! Does anyone believe OP when she said she forget that her parents exist? Of course she doesn't!