AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

100% this. The updates are very telling.

OP, you need to be honest with yourself about this. And perhaps revisit the therapy.

You mention what they talk about, but don't say that you initiate any topics of conversation. Surely in the phone calls there's some back and forth and you've had plenty of opportunities to mention the pregnancy, and prior to this the wedding.

Despite the therapy, it sounds like you're making a deliberate choice to avoid the topics. Never asked me if I plan to have children so because they don't directly ask, you refuse to mention it. What about your friends, did you wait until they directly asked, or did you tell them about the wedding / pregnancy because you were excited and wanted to share the happy news.

Yes, my parents, with whom I grew up, never asked!

I think people who haven't had a parent who is completely disinterested in them as a person won't understand. I'm sure they are picturing your phonecalls with your mum.as a two way dialogue where you both share things whereas what I'm picturing is someone more like my parents updating me on their lives and cutting me off if I interrupted with something about me.

I get it, my DF told me "kids are like extras in movies, you tell them where to be and what to do" which i will never understand from the perspective of a parent but that's fine. I feel sad for them that they have missed dout on so much.

Is your mum upset because she feels hurt or because it will now look odd when she tells her friends that she is a grandmother without the 9 months of chatting about it?

I think your mum has the right to be upset.

You say they are distant relatives but you have catch up calls so they clearly aren't that distant. Even if those chats are superficial, or you expext your mum would have said "that's nice" and then started talking about her new wallpaper, being pregnant is big news, as is getting married so would have been mentioned in those catch ups unless you consciously chose not to.

I'm sorry you had an unhappy childhood. Are you trying to keep them at arms length becsuse you are still protecting yourself and trying to avoid being hurt?

Good luck with your baby.

I think you need to stop pretending you forgot to tell them. You know that just isn’t true. You have contradicted yourself by saying I forgot because I didn’t think they cared. You think they don’t care so you protect yourself from that by not sharing important things. Sort of a “I’ll show I don’t care first and then I won’t be hurt when you don’t care”

I’m not judging you but you should at least be honest and drop this “I forgot” nonsense

YANBU

A few friends I met at University feel the same way about their parents.

They are some of the kindest people I know. I think, because they were sensitive and empathetic children, they hardened thenselves when faced with trauma.

None of them were happy about going to boarding school, but all said they eventually stopped sharing their feelings with their parents, because they didn't seem to care/made light of it by saying they'd settle in soon.

I did not think it was rude per day I understand why it is seen that way. Various family members have asked us so many that has affected my perspective. I’m not saying every parent should ask that for them to show that they care.

For my personally with my experiences they’ve never cared about what my siblings and I got up to so I guess I got used to not telling them anything.

"I happened to mention the pregnancy" is a very odd approach especially at such a late stage.
Have you had other "casual catch up calls" during the months you have been pregnant and said nothing? Because that would be even odder.

You have no responsibility to your parents but if the relationship is one where you keep in contact, omitting to tell them you are pregnant is strange.

You reap what you sow @BeBreezyAquaFinch

your mother is probably only upset because now she will tell people she’s about to be a grandmother and OTHERS will wonder why they are only being told now.

this isn’t about you, it’s about her mostly.

you can’t control what she does/says/feels. The fact that she’s “upset” doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.

wishing you all the best of luck for your baby, and I just know that you won’t make the mistakes she made with you. You’re going to be an extremely warm and loving mum.

I heard somewhere that “we become the parents that we needed to have as children”

I think this is true. I never felt loved by my parents and life has kind of borne that out. I have no connection or contact with either of my parents.

My son knows fundamentally that he is loved, special to me and that I’m there for him no matter what.

Really odd to be honest. Your parents weren’t particularly present but it doesn’t sound like they’re awful. Maybe not how you would choose to raise a child, but if I told you some stories about my mother I think you’d be very grateful for your seemingly nice, if distant parents.

even if not close the usual and expected thing would have been to tell them they were going to be grandparents after the first scan. Even if you didn’t feel you wanted to let them into your confidence in the early days.

are you also a distant kind of person with others in your life. As it seems you have very much inherited that trait from them.

Okay

It’s super weird that you ‘forgot’ if you speak to them every other week. It’s the biggest news you ever have really so how does anyone forget that. You’re definitely punishing them, even if you don’t acknowledge it. As Freud says, there are no mistakes.

You either forgot or tgought they didn’t care enough to mention, it can’t be both. Speaking twice a month for what 7 months of knowing you are pregnant is 14 times you forgot.

Do your siblings know?

They didn’t ask if you were planning children because that’s incredibly intrusive and could cause a lot of upset if you were infertile or struggling somehow.

You also speak to them regularly so your line about forgetting you have parents is quite clearly not true - you just deliberately chose not to tell them.

Parent or not it seems very calculated to leave such major news out of a conversation to anyone you speak to that regularly

Being asked "are you going to have children?" is rude, intrusive and potentially upsetting. I would NEVER asked that, even of people I care deeply about and even if I was desperate to know.

I have seen my dad for maybe a week every year (some years not at all) since i was 11 and i still remember i have a dad??

So it's probably attitudes like this from so-called therapists that have trained op into her entitled and blinkered attitude.

This commenter didn't even read my comment she responded to. Just knee jerk response to anything that isn't critical of boarding schools.

Your Childhood sounds exactly like my DH’s. He has no ill will to his parents and hes grateful to have gone to a “school with good facilities” (his words).

he also doesn’t keep his parents in the loop. Not purposely excluding them but can’t particularly be bothered to send a WhatsApp either.

Have you told your in laws, other relatives, friends?

I am very close to DD, she didn't tell me about her first two unsuccessful pregnancies, the third one she told me at 20 weeks. I totally understood she was trying to spare my feelings as I would have fretted about her. You seem to have no particular reason, just "forgot". When were you going to tell her? This sounds really off to me.

This was clearly done to hurt your parents. I’m assuming your dad had various jobs abroad and they preferred you to have a stable school environment and now you are punishing them. It’s not very understanding of their position or the privileges you gained from it. You don’t sound very pleasant to be honest. I cannot see anything in what you write about your parents that shows that they didn’t try and do their best for you. Not all parents can stick to what is now a model for parenting - being 100.% available, 100% of the time. If my dds did this I’d be mortified. Yes, they boarded too.

I think it is odd to not even consider how your parents may feel to be grandparents. I understand that they were distant when you were growing up, but it sounds like they have been there for you in other more practical ways.
It maybe that now they are older with more time they will be fantastic grandparents- maybe do some more therapy and let them into you and your child’s life.

You forgot to invite parents to your wedding or tell them you were pregnant

no one forgets their parents in important life changes like that

you sound a little unhinged

You don’t forgot you have parents if you speak to them so often. You’re out of order here OP