AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

You kind of sound a bit spoilt and ungrateful to be honest OP. Maybe your parents wronged you by not making you work for things a bit more in life so you may appreciate what they did for you a little more.

you’re an adult and you speak with them regularly. If you wanted to be closer to them you could have cultivated that. You had stability, rather than being moved from country to country. It’s seems you parents did what they felt best even if by nature they were a bit aloof. The fact you speak regularly shows that they do care in their own way, but it feels like you’re still punishing them for not being more present despite being handed everything in life on a plate.

This sounds like my childhood apart from the riches. In the 70's and 80's kids were left to get on with whatever they did from a very young age. That doesn't mean they didn't care or didn't love me.

Your parents are probably a similar age to me. I swore I'd never ask anyone about whether they planned to have children because it was all my mum and, even more my MIL, went on about from the moment I got engaged. 9 years of gritting my teeth and giving non answers until we decided we were ready and conceived. I'd never do that to my DC. Now I get "aren't you desperate to be a granny" and it's not my bloody decision.

Ok, I don’t think anybody believes that you genuinely forgot.

I don’t tell my parents anything important about my life or feelings - but that’s because they turn absolutely all conversations into conversations about my sister, so anything that’s important to me is immediately discussed only from the perspective about how that could affect my sister, or what she would think of it.

It became so hurtful after a while that I chose to shield myself from it by only talking about superficial things.

Maybe in your case when you tried to talk to them properly in the past you felt that they weren’t interested or didn’t care, and so now you protect yourself by just keeping things light?

But you can see from your mother’s reaction here that she does care, at least about some things.

You’re about to have a baby, and absolutely nobody and nothing can prepare you for how overwhelming that is and how fundamentally every part of your life is going to change. This often brings up a lot of difficult emotions anyway.

So now’s not the time to try for a radical reset or change - but maybe at some point you could try getting to know your parents more as adults?

You had to be reminded to invite your own parents to your wedding and forgot to tell them you were due to give birth shortly?

OP this sounds extremely odd unless you hate them!

You feel how you feel about your parents OP. You are the one who experienced your childhood. You are the one who learnt to feel the way you do about your parents because of the way they brought you up.

I'm certainly not going to criticise you.

It sounds less like ‘I forgot to mention it’ and more like ‘I want to punish them for sending me to boarding school’

or to believe that OP simply “forgot”.

YABU and your mum’s response is understandable. You forget that you have them? Stick a post-it note on your fridge, for Christ’s sake.

It’s interesting that your mother is upset that she didn’t know she was going to be a grandmother, not so much that her daughter was going to have a baby. I can completely understand why you didn’t tell her. She is completely focussed on herself.

Do you think you put off telling them because you didn’t want to be hurt if they dismissed it because it’s so important to you?

So they set you up financially and likely did their best for you but you can’t be bothered to tell them you’re having a baby? No wonder they’re pissed. Such weird behaviour.

Slightly odd OP. When I was pregnant I was fizzing with excitement and couldn’t help telling the most random of people! I was living overseas and away from my parents at the time and couldn’t wait to call them to tell them. They’re dead and gone now but I can still recall their joy.
but I don’t have your lived experience

As others have pointed out OP you didn't 'forget' you were pregnant every single time you spoke to them for the last few months. You made an active choice not to mention it, likely because you didnt want to be hurt if they didn't care. I can see why your mum is upset but then again your parents basically outsourced your upbringing so can't be too upset you choose not to share personal things now

I get you OP, I’ve not spoken to my mum for over a year and she hasn’t even noticed!
Some people are just not meant to be parents and are just not very good at it.
Parents with zero interest in their offspring isn’t an impossibility & is true for more people than you think mn.

Even if I’d have told my mother about my wedding and pregnancy she would have congratulated me like she would Shirley down the road, it has absolutely zero to do with her as far as she is concerned.

Sorry I agree with PP.

I have a similar, distant relationship with my parents for similar reasons....I'm also at a similar stage in pregnancy to you and having forgotten to tell them I til.now is just something I can't comprehend!

I have forgotten to tell my dad the sex of the baby though, now I'm thinking about it 😅

what is mind boggling,
weren't you excited that you wanted to tell everyone?

Yes I ‘took’ from my parents growing up and between the ages of 0-22 as a few people do. I don’t know how I could have fended for myself at 15 whilst attending a boarding school I didn’t have a job at that age, not sure that job would have paid for my school fees anyway. A school I didn’t choose to go to I just learnt to accept it as most people do at boarding school to the point I enjoyed it so much I was very sad to leave and cherish the memories. That was home to me I never really had a home.

I will admit my father getting me a job at 22 when I could have gone out and go my job myself wasn’t a great idea but he insisted as it was his friend from school. I’m also a little wiser than I was at 22. I don’t think I’ve ‘taken’ from them since my early 20s but then again that’s also because they put me in a great position so maybe I should have just fended for myself from the day I was born.

I have never asked either of my adult children directly if they intend to have children, but I have a good idea as to whether they do because we do talk about their dreams and aspirations in a general way and I know their likes, dislikes and priorities.

Meanwhile OP's parents discuss Starmer's resignation on phone calls.

Your post shows your complete lack of understanding of OP's relationship.
What exactly is OP taking for granted? Her parents have given her zero emotional support or interest for her whole life. I don't think she will miss the continued lack of it when they are gone.

OP -you might be better to post in Relationships. You will get too many "but their your parents" responses on here from people who have good relationships with their own families and cannot conceive that anything else might be the case.

The more the OP posts, the more detatched and uncaring she sounds.

This goes far deeper than "I forgot" to tell my parents. The OP's behaviour is really odd.

That's a bit unfair.

This coldness is actually quite common for children who were sent to boarding school.

I don’t actually think you’re unreasonable despite thinking when I started reading that this was a reverse post because it was so unreasonable! I know you say you had a great childhood, but the lack of parental bond is sad - the other stuff you could keep for me (not that I had a great parental bond either). So on the basis that they sound like Hallmark parents like mine, i.e. just send a card on special occasions, I’m not surprised they’re very high up your priority list.

You do seem incredibly cold! You know you should have told them earlier about your pregnancy and also your wedding. Of course they would be interested.

You’re right

The calls to be honest are just a duty it’s just something I have to do something I’ve always done. It stems from boarding school when we’d HAVE to write letters to our parents every single week and I guess I got used to that it’s routine for me to call them. I got out of the habit of writing letters but if that was still the norm that’s exactly what I would be doing. As I have mentioned I have been raised in an institution nothing wrong with that I thoroughly enjoyed my time at school, not in Switzerland but in England I enjoyed boarding school I still go to every event, meet up with my friends from school etc.

Let's hope you don't "forget" to communicate with your child. Things like jewellery & property are meant to be passed down families, not emotional neglect. Break that awful cycle.