AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

It’s really strange from you perspective that you forgot to tell them something that is so important to YOU.

I mean tell them or don’t tell them but how could you forget something like this.

I think you need to reevaluate your relationships with people. I mean how you relate. No contact or low contact might be better.

But to forget something this important is weird on your behalf.

My parents never asked me if I planned to have children and I’d have a reasonably close relationship with them. If you speak to them a couple of times a month, it is odd that you didn’t think to tell them - more like you withheld the information intentionally.

If you have been having therapy over your childhood, I guess you’re more resentful of them than you realise and don’t ‘forget they exist’ but purposefully keep a distance.
Thats up to you but it is quite unusual to not tell you parents big news like this unless you actively want to avoid them.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You didn't forget to invite your parents to your wedding; that just isn't possible. You are clearly angrier than you are letting on - to us or them. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

I think you need to work on holding more nuance here. Your position seems to be that your parents did what they did because they had different priorities and perhaps had no idea how much it would affect you or your relationship with them. At the same time your parents choices hurt you and that matters. Those two things can and should coexist after therapy.

Or to turn this on its head, your parents were doing the right thing by not asking about future grandchildren in case there were fertility issues or because your sex life is none of their business? Maybe if they are both retired they might have time and energy to shower a grandchild with the affection you and your siblings didn't have growing up? Do your siblings know about your pregnancy? I'm surprised none of them let it slip to your parents. Lastly congratulations on your new arrival

If you forget you have parents, then I assume it is them who instigate the phone calls every other week and not you. Clearly they haven't forgotten they have a daughter !! Why engage with them at all then if they mean so little? I bet you won't forget to accept an inheritance from them. Grow up OP.

Are you like this with other people you don't see that often? Like out of sight, out of mind?

I also don’t believe you forgot to invite your parents to your wedding. Everyone knows about the tradition of the father walking you down the aisle (even if you don’t believe in that it is ingrained), the mother of the bride outfit etc etc.

if you did genuinely forgot I think you need counselling - it’s not usual even if you aren’t close

It’s just weird to “forget” to invite your parents to your wedding or tell them that you are pregnant. Normal people don’t forget those things. People dragging lots of baggage from childhood may subconsciously think “I won’t tell mum, then I don’t have to be hurt when she doesn’t gaf about this thing that is hugely important to me” but the practicalities of “forgetting” don’t add up. You would remember they existed when thinking about numbers for the venue or catering. You would remember you were pregnant when on the phone and you felt a bit ropey or tired or the baby kicked. It would come up naturally when you thought about mat leave. Your friends - your 8 boarding school survivors - would have mentioned something - “Is your mum bothered?” or your dh or in-laws “what has your mum said about the baby? Is she pleased?”. What about your siblings? Did you forget them too?
I hate telling my mum anything important as she doesn’t really care so either tells you immediately about when she (or one of her friends dc or dgc) did that thing, changes the subject, or makes a sarcastic remark. It is hurtful - I get it. My nephew excitedly called my mum to tell her about his Oxford offer - no “well done” or “congratulations”, just a story about a friend of hers he doesn’t know who has a granddaughter he doesn’t know who went to Manchester the year before. Will he rush to tell her other important news such as getting married or fathering a child? No. Will he forget? Also no - he just won’t want to be hurt by her indifference again.

Quite surprised people aren’t seeing the deeper issue here.

OP was shipped off to boarding school. When her parents had the opportunity to be with their children, they still chose to ship them off. Not realising the emotional damage that does to children is very emotionally unintelligent.

They haven’t acted like parents emotionally. They have then got to deal with the consequences of that. Sure they probably thought they were doing the best for their children but both things can be true.

It is just a sad display of the damage your childhood had on you OP and your mother should be seeing it as a wake up call to get more involved, build bridges, and be there for her grandchild.

It appears to me, the issue is perception and interpretation. I would surmise on the small amount of info you have given. That you are both living in two very different relationships running simultaneously.

For your parents love was shown to you by providing for you an excellent education, partly because they valued it so highly and partly so they could focus on their careers. Both can be true. They value independence and so have thought they are showing love to you by giving you the freedom by not curtailing areas of your and that comes across by not asking you. They show love to you by offering you ideas/books/articles that they found interesting.

For you, to feel love it would have taken spending time together, really talking about feelings and so the way they were showing you love was communicating the opposite to you - you perceived it disinterest and coldness. They had no idea.

The questions I think are:

• Do you think they did the best they could to love you growing up, with what they had emotionally to give?
• Which is different from did you feel loved?
• What would have made you feel loved?
• Could you have misinterpreted the ways they have loved you?
• Do you think that more empathy could be shown on both sides, right now
• How much has been separated from them been a trauma for your ‘child self’ and how much is this affecting your adult life?
• How do you want to move forward?

It seems to me that withholding the news of your pregnancy could have less to do with punishing them, and more to do with protecting your new child from the painful feelings of rejection and disinterest you feel from them. Exploring this sounds like an emotional process, but sometimes confronting why you do things can also help you, live and love differently moving forward.

You have shown a lot of vulnerability in asking the question in the first place. I don’t think it has an easy answer though and I wish you all the best in exploring it more deeply.

I’m going to come at this from a completely different angle based on my experience. My mum went to boarding school from a very young age (6) and the damage it has done to her emotionally is immense. What really struck me from the OPs posts is that like my mum the OP doesn’t appear to be aware how unusual her behaviour is. OP I’m really sorry you were pushed from pillar to post and had to learn to be your own support from such a young age. But please consider some therapy because my mum was/is a terrible parent as a result of her ability to squash all emotion down to nothing. She thinks she is a great parent because she didn’t send us to boarding school and even in her 80s she’s unable to contemplate the damage done to her because it’s just too hard to contemplate. She’s missed out on so much because she cannot allow herself to be attached to anyone or anything including her own children. Boarding school syndrome is a very real thing.

I think each family is different as relatives have asked me, aspirations etc. DHs parents have asked him if he’d like to have children, same for his sister. I didn’t mean just because they didn’t ask mean they don’t care. I just used that as an example as I’ve said it’s the wrong the example. What I was pointing at is the fact that my parents and I never talk about anything important bar politics or what’s happening in the economy. Never discussed what job I hope to one day do or any of my aspirations I’m not saying it was malicious I just don’t think they had the time to discuss such things with their children.

You do come across as being very much like your parents actually. They put you through boarding school where most of the time they didn’t have to think about you and perhaps that has rubbed off on you?? If you live some distance away from them and don’t physically see them very often then maybe you’re partly detached from one another?

People who were not abandoned by their parents will never get this OP.

It is a different feeling to what most of society 'feels' about their parents.

Come on OP, you didn't 'forget' to tell them, you also say you didn't think they'd be interested so it can't be both.

You chose not to tell them so I think you have to own that. If you don't feel any closeness due to your upbringing, that's understandable. It doesn't sound like they were terrible parents though. They took you out for holidays and enjoyed spending time with you. They made sure you were set up with housing and a job. They obviously do care about you.

Do you have a close relationship with your siblings? Did you tell them about the pregnancy?

Tbh you sound a bit immature..like you're stuck in the teenaged 'poor little rich girl' stereotype from a cheesy movie.

The faux 'I don't know them' ,'I forgot' is so disingenuous. As a child,yes, 100% on your parents to work on your relationship - but as an adult now,why can't you? Since they were not abusive etc. as u say?

I agree maybe it is exactly that subconsciously. I just hope I can be a good parent to my child they can meet their grandparents and spend time with them. My siblings all have children, my parents have 8 grandchildren and they don’t seem really that interested in them.

I’m sorry but I think you’re being a bit of a brat at this point. You speak to your parents reasonably regularly and just didn’t mention wedding or being pregnant. That is extreme I’m afraid and I think you must be trying to punish them. No-one just forgets to invite their parents to their own wedding. I’m really not sure your therapy has done much in terms of building constructive relationships.

If you've never felt that your parents particularly cared about you or could be bothered parenting you, this pregnancy may have stirred up some subconscious and very complicated emotions, resulting in you taking the decision you have, even if your brain has rationalised that as you forgetting to tell them.

This could be an opportunity for you to contact your mother and say you were taken aback when she was upset not to have been told about the pregnancy. But you have honestly never felt that she or your father particularly cared about you as a person or were interested in what was going on in your life. Would she like to talk about any of that?

Open up the conversation and be honest about the reasons why you came to feel that way. You may be surprised where it goes from there. You're so detached from them emotionally at this point - with pretty good reason - that the worst that can happen is they confirm your suspicions and you get some kind of closure. Then you can decide for yourself - probably with the help of a therapist - whether you want to continue this nominal relationship because you're getting something out of it, or whether you would like to put it to sleep once and for all.

Don't underestimate what a hornet's nest of hormones and emotions will be stirred up by giving birth to your own child. It sounds as though you're going to need some support with that, whether from friends or your husband or a therapist or all three. Good luck with the baby. Your life is about to change forever, and I hope that brings you an incredible amount of joy.

You sound Bpd.

Agree

Oh op I find your post so sad, am a mum and so very close to both children along with gc I would be heartbroken if they ' couldn't be bothered to tell me this'
You + three other siblings had a privilege education thanks to mum/dad,

Why haven't you made better relationships with them, why haven't you got a great relationship with them,

My daughter is my best friend, weekly lunch dates, cinema, just had a holiday with her,

I congratulate you on your new baby and hopefully you may see though a mothers eyes,

My sister used to withhold important information on purpose. Because she was secretly angry. She did it so often with so many things, in the end I never asked her anything as I knew she got a lot of pleasure from withholding information